I don’t particularly like to sleep. Slept 7 hours last night, better than most nights. Guess I’m happy about that but my body is achey and tired and i want to stay in bed forever. Getting out of bed is the hardest thing in the world lately. just a few weeks of not getting up on time, not starting my day. My therapist tells me to be proud of myself for getting to work at all. I want to be, I do.
I don’t know what I want. Life doesn’t really seem to have a point. The last few years I’ve been operating on the idea that there is none and that all we can do is try to have fun and love each other while we can. But I keep getting hurt and logically i know this can’t keep happening forever. Logically I ask know that humans are shit, that we are careless and stupid and rude as shit.
Why get out of bed? Idk. I have no good reasons. The others are so i keep my job and can pay rent and can eat. So my mom doesn’t worry. so i can brush my teeth, so I can pretend to smile. I do love my mom. I love a lot of people and I’m not sure if that’s what keeps me going. I wonder if knowing that some0one loves me every morning would help me get out of bed. Maybe i can ask my mom to call me. Maybe we’d get to know each other better if she did. I’ve never asked her for support in that way. I worry that she’d get worried. I love her so.
I don’t know why I’m on here wasting time instead of showering or at least getting dressed for work. I tried to choke myself today but let go because my head was throbbing too hard. life is weird like that.
I hope y’all are doing better today. xoxo