When you sort things out, when you sort your life, when you think this time it’s going to be alright, you say: you made it!; something awful happens. It throws you out of your course and i know these things happen daily. I just can’t stand when someone thinks you don’t care, when they think it is easy.
I am not making any sense but i am a little bit teary so i can’t find the words to describe how i feel. It’s always thinking about the future that makes me sad. I reached an age in which it is not yet too late to change your mind about things you chose and change your mind but an age in which i should know what i want of my life. I still don’t have a clue. I don’t think that it is wise to shout down your phone so no one can reach you our hang up to your parents when they are just worried and want you well. It really isn’t wise but what can you do when trying hard to explain how you feel won’t help anyone.
No one of people who surround me are aware of my state of my mind, how easily it can change and how little things can trigger my mad depression. Yes i am talking about my suicide tendencies and i want to be alone with them. I don’t think talking with anyone will help. Failure always gives you cold responses and then comes the ‘disappointment’ treatment and still those around you are more disappointed than you are with your own failure, can this be possible, because in my humble heart because i don’t have a mind it seems illogical. I am falling apart, it feels like the failure is peeling my skin, piece by piece and it doesn’t hurt its just gentle and slow, the fingers are cold and it makes you sleepy. When you see blood you start to cry because it is a natural reaction, it should hurt. Then you have to come up with an apology because it is always your fault and even if it is not and you did what you thought was the best you should apologize to ease the tension. They will keep yelling at you, accusing you, pointing out the mistake, stressing out that you failed and you will probably fail again, they will emphasize how they hoped ( and naturally thinking you didn’t) how they believed and how they feel now is hardly imaginable and how you feel is probably not enough. But they will stress that you have no future and this failure determines your life because you shouldn’t make mistakes as they were perfect and the choices they made were just right and here they are yelling at their descendant who failed again. Maybe i should have said ok, as and answer to everything. Without any objections i should have said ok i failed, this is the end i except it, now i have no future and i can’t do anything in my life to change it. Because it sounds exactly like that, the failure of 21 will determine the rest of your life, you might as well kill yourself. No one said it directly but when some tells you have no options at all, what are you going to do now? What’s left to do my dear child…I still think it’s not the end though because i can change things. It is not easy when someone provides for you for god sake, it is certainly not because you depend on them and whoever thinks it is easy when you are all grown up and everything is so tough because you have to pay your bills and decide about everything…at least no one pats your back while saying: Failure, failure. I can’t push them because they are my family and i would have no resources not just that i rely on them but i have nowhere to go. I am a student and no, i can’t find any job because it is hard to find one ( i have been searching for some time) and i have to study, study, study and how it seems this is not going well either.
If i leave my heart on the wall, if i leave it in the living room i wonder if they would be pleased. Certainly not because it would ruin the freshly painted orange wall.