I’m alive.
And I’m free.
I’ve never been more free in my life.
It feels so good.
I suppose I should explain what happened when I stopped posting yesterday. Basically, the pills were making me really tired and weak. I was dying, basically. It was getting really hard to type, because the simple movements were taking all of my energy. So, I said goodbye to all of you, and I fell asleep. I’m pretty sure it was closer to dying rather then sleeping, but I didn’t know at the time; I was too weak. Anyway, I never moved my laptop from on top of me, because the movement would’ve been too much. Now, this is starting to get into what I don’t remember; my sister told me all of the stuff that’s going to follow.
Basically, about half an hour after I passed out, my sister came into my room. She noticed I was sleeping (she didn’t realize what had happened, and that I was close to death), and decided to take a look at what I was doing on my laptop. Of course, Suicide Project was still open to my post. So she read my note. And she told me she felt horrible for what had happened. She said she had no idea the pain I’d went through. She blamed herself. So, she immediately called 911 and an Ambulance took me to the ER. They did a bunch of stuff to me (I’m not even sure what) and then I woke up in the hospital today about an hour ago.
It was so funny, because the first thing I told my sister (after she was done apologizing and crying by my side) to go get my laptop. It was a pain in the neck to get her to leave and go back home, she didn’t want to leave me after what had happened. Anyway, she came back about 15 minutes ago with it, and now here I am.
I feel so amazed, because the first comprehensable thing I thought when I woke up today (besides OW THE PAIN and WHERE THE HELL AM I) was “I need to tell everyone on the internet”. Haha. It might be because I’m still delirious a bit, or because there might be a bit of truth to it, but I think I survived because of you guys. All of you who left a message on my post yesterday. You gave me strength that I didn’t have, and you made sure that I had a light to see by in the coming darkness, and you made sure that I came out alive. A couple of minutes ago, I went and read every single comment on that post that I made. And I cried. I sat here and cried to myself, but tears of joy or tears of sadness or regret I have no idea. I don’t know what emotions to feel anymore. The tears just flowed. And it felt so good. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt better, or so loved, in my entire life.
My sister and I have talked it over, and she said that she’s going to go to the police and tell them what Eric’s done. She said he’s going to go to prison. I don’t know how I feel about it. Part of me wants him to rot in the deepest corner of hell. But the other part of me says that nobody deserves that. He’s a human being. No matter what he’s done. So, I guess until I really find out how I feel, all I can say is may God have mercy on his soul. Helena also said we’ll stay in the same house, only with him gone. I told her I’d like that. I said I really liked the water. She smiled and said she knows. I think that’s the first time we’ve ever had a conversation like that before. It felt lovely.
So, I guess I’ll hang in there until I get released from the hospital, whenever that is. Everyone here seems really nice. It’s not too bad. They said I’m going to have more tests done at 12:00, so I can’t really talk long, but if anyone wants to talk until then, that’s fine. By the way, that’s 12:00 Pacific Time, so if you’re on the East Coast then it’ll be at 3. Anywhere else and you’ll have to think about it yourself, I can’t do math very well right now, haha. Not that I’d want to anyway. They also said I’m going to see a psychiatrist tommorow, which I’m not really exited about. The last thing I want to be told is that I have some mental disorder and I can’t live with Helena, because for once in my life I’m looking forward to something.
So, I said it twice already, but I’ll say it again.
I’m alive.
I’m free.
I’ve never been more free.
I think I may make that my catchphrase.
45 comments
I have to go, but if anyone wants to leave a comment, go ahead, I’ll respond when I get a chance 🙂
I’m so glad you made it, was worried about you, I kept checking to see if you had posted again. Don’t you worry about anything, things just overwhelmed you and you cracked under the pressure, it’s normal for that to happen everyone has a breaking point but now it’s time to sort it out and look forward to the future, I’m glad your sister came through for you, hopefully a bond can grow between you both, take care.
Thanks you so much nias, although I wish you wouldn’t have worried about me. As I said in my post, for once I’m actually looking forward to the future. So I’m hoping that it’ll all work out well. I’d really like to stay in our current house, although the memories are kinda rough. But I don’t want to leave the waves. It seems kinda childish, but besides music, the ocean is my one true peace. I hope Helena and I can begin to bond as well, it would mean the world to me. And take care of yourself as well 🙂
Is it aids awareness day
Whats the red ribbon about
The red ribbon marks who posted the thread 🙂
Got it sorry your father is a freak
Glad I could help. And don’t worry about it, it’s over now. It’s in the past.
I’m glad that my and everyone else’s comments helped you. And I’m even more than happy because of the good outcome. Remember what have I told you yesterday? You have plenty of life left, and one day you will be happy again. You have a beautiful future ahead of you.
Thank you Martin. This may be the closest I’ve come to being happy in a long, long time.
I’ll be extra sure to keep you all updated on my condition. They said they weren’t sure when I’d be released from the hospital, they said I was in pretty bad shape when I arrived. Maybe a week or so. They said it might be longer, too, because I’ll need to keep going to a psychiatrist and they’ll need to moniter me a lot. So hopefully it all goes well. I’ll let you all know every step of the way. I wouldn’t want to go through this alone, now would I? 🙂
Good for you, Lucy. It’s weird how things work out, huh? You thought your sister was a terrible person who enjoyed making you miserable, yet she’s the one who called 911.
Family relationships are complicated like that. The people who make your life hell sometimes really do care, but you’d never know it based on how they treat you in daily interactions. Sometimes the people who care about us the most treat us the worst. It makes no sense. My guess is that they have their own issues they’re dealing with.
Whatever. I hope you have a speedy recovery.
Thanks C4. Yea, it’s kind of messed up that it takes something so morbid in nature to make someone realize how you (and they) really feel. Life works in mysterious ways, I guess.
“You thought your sister was a terrible person who enjoyed making you miserable, yet she’s the one who called 911.”
Heh, that could indeed be argued as a confirmation of the prior assessment.
Haha, in some eyes, yes. But I think that she did the right thing. Although it may not have been what I wanted, I’m grateful that I’m still on this earth. I’m glad that she realized the error of her ways. That’s really all I’ve ever wanted in life… I just wanted her to realize what she was doing and that she would stop. I suppose I’ve gotten my wish, but it was a shame it came to this to make her see it.
People have a tendency to avoid learning things they don’t want to learn.
It’s good that you’re pleased with the outcome. Sometimes we don’t realize that we don’t really want what we think we’re sure about, until it’s right in our faces.
Yes, I realize that now. I suppose I’ll add one to the list of “Lessons I wish I didn’t learn the hard way”. 😛
Thank you for the support!
Haha. Good one, CN
Saving someone’s life is only worthwhile because that’s the only way you can continue tormenting them?
I hope that’s not the case here.
Lucy goosey!! super glad to hear this! check your email! well that takes care of the housing situation for sure. don’t worry about the psych appt it shall go swimmingly. it’ll I’ve you a platform to speak your mind if this person is a good fit for you. just take it an appt at a time. I’m sure they won’t label you anything too hastily. don’t worry about it. lets just celebrate the fact you’re alive. sometimes all it takes is a suicide attempt to heal familial relationships. lol unfortunate that it had to be this extreme but am happy to hear you and Helena had a real Convo. and as for Eric well, he’s gonna get what he deserves!! good shit. keep feeling free and liberated cuz you are. this is a fresh beginning for you and I’m jealous haha. good luck with everything Lucy! may the road ahead of you be smooth, wide and lead to your dreams!
Glad you saw it 🙂 I’ll check it as soon as I get a minute. And I can’t thank you enough for the advice. I really think that I owe my life to you and the others who helped me on the other post. I truly believe you all gave me the strength to go through this. It would’ve been a hell of a lot harder to go through this alone. I hope that you can get back on the track to happiness as well. Just know that you’re not alone. If you ever want to talk about anything or need any help, just let me know. 🙂
I read your other post, the one where you punched your sister square in the nose. Haha.
I’m a guy who has an older sister. When we were youngsters she often punched me in the face with a closed fist. She hit hard and I bled. She outweighed me by a solid 20 pounds or so. It was humiliating getting beaten up by a girl. I couldn’t hit her back or complain so I had to take my beatings.
One day that all changed. I was 14 or so. She threw a punch, I caught it, and I challenged her to an arm wresting match. I demolished her. She never hit me again. She knew I was stronger than her but I wasn’t going to play the “two wrongs make a right” card. We actually became friends and she turned out to be alright. (For a psychotic *****. Plus, she had a lot of friends that she introduced me to).
I doubt any of this helped you.
Maybe someday you can look back and laugh. 🙂
Look back someday and laugh? Hell, I’m laughing now. That was cool, I’m glad it turned out good for you 🙂
You’re a trooper, Lucy. The world is a better place when it’s populated by people who battle injustice. Keep being you. 🙂
Aw, thanks C4, but I wouldn’t really say that. It’s mainly the people here that gave me the strength to keep living. So if anyone’s to be credited, it’s them. I didn’t do anything really. But thank you, nonetheless. I hope that you keep being yourself as well; and if someone else is in my situation we can help them out of it like you all did to me.
Hey. I am glad your here with us still. And right now there is a reason your still here. Your body and you over came that and your still alive and after reading this made me feel good. And I know just how you feel. And trust me for the next few days your emotions will go up and down and you will feel bad and happy. Just remember everyone here and out there cares. And I am hear if you need someone to talk to about anything. I know just how you feel. Sorry if this post is all over.
And like when you were posting all that yesterday I was trying so hard to keep you here after what I went through I didn’t want anyone else to go through it. And at one point I pretty much broke down. Like I don’t want you to feel bad but I just felt like I couldn’t do anymore but sit there and read what was happening to you when I knew just what you were going through with the pills and feelings. So I just stopped posting and wished I didn’t. But when you said thank you for the posting I felt ok but still bad. But now after reading this I am happy your still here. If you ever need to talk to someone I am here. And trust me your body will be sore for awhile. Well at least mine still is. Hang in there and stay strong
Wow. WOW. That was powerful. I went and read your posts today, because I was too… well, “Sick”, to do it yesterday. That’s some crazy shit right there. I’m sorry you had to go through that too. I know it sucks. And I’m really fucking sorry that I made you break down like that. That’s not what I wanted. I just wanted somebody to talk to. I never actually wanted anybody to care. Most of all, though, I never really expected anyone to really understand like you and everyone else. But damn, now you’re gonna make me cry again :’)
i agree
Hey Lucy. I read your other post, but unfortunately it was hours and hours after you had already went to sleep/passed out, so I didn’t really have a chance to reply. Every once in a while, there’s a post on this site that really gets to me, for whatever reason. Yours was one of those. After reading the last few comments on that post, I sadly mused for awhile that I had just witnessed what may well have been the last few actions and words of yet another young person that happened to be born into a very fucked up situation, and chose to take matters into their own hands and end it.
Still, knowing how unreliable pills can be, I made it a point to come back on here in the next few days and see if maybe there would be a post like this one. And here it is. I’m glad to see it. And glad that you feel free and seem to have some hope, instead of just sheer disappointment, which is all I’ve seen from a few people in your situation.
Good luck, Lucy.
Thank you so much. It means a lot. It just really bothers me that people worried about me this much… it almost makes me regret posting that. I just never wanted to mess anyone else’s day up. I guess I’d never thought that anyone would care.
I guess that shows how naive I can be sometimes.
And good luck to you, as well.
Haha, but see, the fact that you would say that in the first place makes you, in my opinion, someone worth being worried about. You shouldn’t regret it, not for that reason anyways. Like I’ve said before on this site, it’s not like the people who come here expect unicorns, rainbows, and happy fairy tale stories, is it? It’s kind of a “swim at your own risk” type of thing. People know very well the emotional risks of visiting a site like this, it’s their choice, so you shouldn’t feel guilty.
Sorry, that’s just kind of the person I am, you know? I hate knowing that people are worrying about me. Especially people who have enough to worry about on their own. But I understand what you mean.
So, I think I’m going to make a post every now and then when I get a chance where I just share a bit about how I’m going along, with a quote and all that. My goal is to make people happier and just kinda help everyone get through the day. I know it would’ve helped me out, so I’m going to hope that it will help others.
Also, I’m going to change my username so that I won’t just be “Lucy”.
Lots of love, everyone.
Lucy
Lucy,
every once in a while we find gems like you on this site and personally, this is what keeps me coming back. to see success stories like yours where you pull through and make the decision to live and live well. it’s so awesomely encouraging. this makes my life seriously. aside from popular belief i don’t only come onto this site to make fun of emos and suggest outlandishly bizarre suicide methods to ppl. I’m in it to win it and help while I still can. your story and witnessing this gargantuan attitude change in your life has made it all worth it. lookin forward to hearing of your great progress (:
This is so heartwarming to see people talking so highly of me. I feel like I haven’t really done anything. I mean, for God’s sake, I tried to kill myself, I hardly think that’s worthy of praise. But, hey, whatever inspires people. As long as I can make someone else happy, I don’t care how I feel.
I can’t thank you enough. You’ve brought me to tears several times now and I feel like I owe my life to you. Like I said, though, I’m just happy to help in anyway I can. I think I’ll try my hand at helping out others on this site. I might stay a while, see if I can make a difference 🙂
Shitty update, but an update nonetheless:
Helena just left; Visiting hours are over early today because of the weekend. I don’t know, i feel kind of… alone again. Like the depression’s starting to hit me again. Almost as if it’s all starting to really sink in what happened and as if I’m just now remembering everything.
I’m going to try my best to stay strong, though, for you guys. I’d hate to make anyone worry again 🙂
…just wanted to say: well done on keeping up the fight. I’d been keeping an eye on your posts and I’m glad things have done an about turn and (it would appear) that there is hope for your future yet.
May I wish you a speedy recovery and yes, nights in hospital do get mighty depressing, but you’ll be out of there soon enough. If you can survive a suicide attempt AND progress to’rds a better tomorrow – mate, there’s nothing you cannot do.
All the best, my thoughts are with you. 🙂
Thanks a lot Shephard 🙂 I’ve noticed how the people here respect you and know you a lot, so it feels nice to have such a well-known member of the community (a shitty community, but a community nonetheless) congratulate and console me. It means a lot.
Wishing you the best as well!
Lucy
Lovely username 🙂
“Lucy,
every once in a while we find gems like you on this site and personally, this is what keeps me coming back.” -QFT
Dammit, stop, I’m not used to feeling this good. It’s too much at once 🙂
Thanks by the way, the ocean is my biggest love. I don’t know how I’d live without it.
I’m glad you’re ok
Thank you 🙂
I just wanted to apologize for not seeing you first post on time. I would have liked to try to help then.. But im relieved to see that you’re alive and getting better. Just thought you should know that i admire your strength, and i wish there were more people like you in the world. Stay strong 🙂
Don’t apologize, I don’t think any more could have been done for me that day. But thank you, and again, I can’t see how people “admire” me and my “strength”, I’m not the hero. Everyone on this site is.
Stay strong yourself!
Stories like yours are one of the reasons this site exists. Welcome back to the living.
Thank you so much. Let’s just hope I stay in the living world for a little while longer. 🙂