In a corner

Sometimes I just write to get it out of my head for a while. I just save it as a a doc on my laptop and go back to it when I need to. That helps me. I understand bottling up – I do that too. I feel like I’m burdening others by explaining how I feel, so I don’t bother anymore. No one ever really listened anyway. I will say though, that I loved college. Not because I made a ton of friends (only 3, all of whom I no longer am in touch with – I also didn’t live on campus, so that didn’t help), but I loved it because it forced me to consider things other than myself for long periods of time. I was so exhausted between work and school, that I didn’t have time to be miserable. It was a great distraction. However, it did eventually end, and I was forced to look at myself again. I’m again at the point where you’re at – I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to stimulate me. I literally come home from work, go to my room and watch Netflix or play video games (Mass Effect 2 right now), or I go to my boyfriend’s house and do the same thing. Obviously, I love my diversions.

I don’t think it’s pointless – I may not have come out of it all where I thought I would or should, and I am still a mess, but that doesn’t mean it was all for nothing. I learned a lot that has helped me to feel a little bit more worthwhile and has enabled me to get a “real” job. The job I have now protects children, and provides services to families in need. I feel good about that. I only obtained my job by taking that leap and trying. I’m not telling you what to do, just saying it works out sometimes. Yes, I’m still depressed, my life is monotonous, and at times, I want to just disappear, but it certainly hasn’t been pointless. Sometimes it feels that way, but that’s because my mind is sick. For me, it’s important to keep getting up each day and doing the next right thing, like going to work and helping people who need it. Depression is vicious cycle but certain things can provide reprieves, at least for me, and in those moments, I can see that it was worth it. But I wouldn’t know if I didn’t try.
Again, I’m not telling you what to do, just saying what helps me. I hope that you do try though.