I have no creative outlet or any way to express myself because nobody wants to hear my doom and gloom, so I just bottle everything up and become more jaded each day. There’s nothing to look forward to but all that is dead and lifeless, like video games or computers. I’m not looking forward to college because I’m already tired of living a life that is all about money, and I don’t want a relationship because all of my experiences have been weak and disappointing, and I’m not too fond of human nature anyways. It feels like I will have to choose suicide as an escape from my boring and potentially stressful future. There really isn’t much that I look forward to.
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I relate to this very deeply. Only I fear my future and becoming a failure at everything I’ve worked so hard for. But now I even question why I work for my future… When nothing really matters…
Sometimes I just write to get it out of my head for a while. I just save it as a a doc on my laptop and go back to it when I need to. That helps me. I understand bottling up – I do that too. I feel like I’m burdening others by explaining how I feel, so I don’t bother anymore. No one ever really listened anyway. I will say though, that I loved college. Not because I made a ton of friends (only 3, all of whom I no longer am in touch with – I also didn’t live on campus, so that didn’t help), but I loved it because it forced me to consider things other than myself for long periods of time. I was so exhausted between work and school, that I didn’t have time to be miserable. It was a great distraction. However, it did eventually end, and I was forced to look at myself again. I’m again at the point where you’re at – I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to stimulate me. I literally come home from work, go to my room and watch Netflix or play video games (Mass Effect 2 right now), or I go to my boyfriend’s house and do the same thing. Obviously, I love my diversions.
thats what scares me about trying for the future. to feel exactly like that. then realize it was pointless.
I don’t think it’s pointless – I may not have come out of it all where I thought I would or should, and I am still a mess, but that doesn’t mean it was all for nothing. I learned a lot that has helped me to feel a little bit more worthwhile and has enabled me to get a “real” job. The job I have now protects children, and provides services to families in need. I feel good about that. I only obtained my job by taking that leap and trying. I’m not telling you what to do, just saying it works out sometimes. Yes, I’m still depressed, my life is monotonous, and at times, I want to just disappear, but it certainly hasn’t been pointless. Sometimes it feels that way, but that’s because my mind is sick. For me, it’s important to keep getting up each day and doing the next right thing, like going to work and helping people who need it. Depression is vicious cycle but certain things can provide reprieves, at least for me, and in those moments, I can see that it was worth it. But I wouldn’t know if I didn’t try.
Again, I’m not telling you what to do, just saying what helps me. I hope that you do try though.