Whenever I wash the dishes, it’s always the knives that get to me. I’m very careful when washing and drying knives by hand. I am particularly careful with chef or butcher knives, especially at my grandfather’s house.
But today, as well as the previous day, I’ve felt suicidal. There are many reasons why I hate knives, and suicide or self-harm is one (or rather two) of those reasons…
Me washing a big knife, drying it, and then putting it into the drawer (with all the other chef knives)… It makes me feel so numb. There I am, standing there, envisioning myself stabbing diagonally, into my chest, from a vertical angle. It makes me feel slightly tempted and entranced. I honestly wonder to myself, how can my family be so naive? How can they not worry about the possibility of me hurting myself on purpose?
I come across as a strong-spirited and content (with who I am, with the life I live, etc.) kind of girl. So, perhaps, I will go on living this way. I also want to suppress these suicidal feelings…
It’s just that suicide is such a stigma in modern society. I usually feel like I cannot talk about my suicidal ideation with others, especially the ones I love. I’ll try getting a counselor or doctor someday…
However, I already know what everyone will say to me, I already know what advice they have in store for me. It’s good advice, it’s preventive and healing advice… But I’m just afraid, that someday, I’ll really die by my own hands…
It’s just so sad to think of. In fact, it’s only the possible sadness everyone I know will feel, if I were to commit suicide, that keeps me from ever doing it.
I really don’t like pain… and I have no idea how, exactly, painful a suicidal stab would be. I’ve never slit or cut myself before… But in my darkest days, a few years ago, I would picture me cutting my wrist, but all I would really do is cry and cry more because of my envisioning of it. I’ll never be able to cut myself. I just can’t.
I’m just simply afraid, overall. I am afraid of death, of what comes after death, afraid to hurt everyone I know and love, afraid that someday this suicidal ideation will just numb me enough to really do it. I understand how tragic it’ll be, but maybe, just maybe, it’d set me free.
2 comments
why are you suicidal?
i feel the same sometimes when washing knives, and i have cut myself. it’s strange how their function can change so drastically. and yeah, i worry, too. death is scary.
don’t cut yourself. you’re stronger than that. it won’t “set you free.” what do you actually want?