Ok this is my last post, in just a few hours I’ll be gone.
I’ve spent my last days trying to enjoy myself and everything I love with my heart, but still it wasn’t enough to make me change my mind. I don’t have regrets but I would have loved to be able to give a propper goodbye to the people I love, anyway I don’t want them to know what I’ve done once it’s done, so I’ll have to keep all that for myself.
Life looks so different when you know it’s going to end, it’s not brighter nor darker, just different, as if you were looking at it from the outside. It’s a bit sad to think about all the things I’m going to miss, but I kow for sure that even if I stayed alive I would miss them anyway, because I’m no longer (I’m still wondering if I ever was) part of anyody’s life. It’s always been just me, and I kind of feel unbearable lately, so this is for the best, I’m absolutly sure.
It was nice to read your stories, I hope you all find what you’re looking for.
Good luck and always have hope.
21 comments
Life looks different to you now because you think it’s almost over. It’s kind of like the feeling of finally being unshackled. Your body is still here, but your spirit is not. So all of the pressures and constraints of living in this earthly realm no longer apply to you. You are, in fact, seeing the world from a totally new perspective now.
hello there i hope have changed your mind but whatever you decide is ok
but before you go please tell us a little more about yourself you seem very interesting and if you have made your mind up then time is no issue just please dont leave us quite yet i want to know more about you
you said you’re in med school i think that is amazing doctors give soo much to this world what are you going to school for?
its good that you see a psychiatrist as far as the suicidal thoughts i face them everyday myself some of them are downright morbid but ive found that if i try my best to think of something else, anything it doesn’t matter what, as soon as i notice im having bad thoughts then they will slowly slip back into the dark places in my head i have an older friend who has lived with depression his whole life who said that with the right medication the suicidal thoughts go away too i have never been able to afford anything like that but if you can i really urge you to
please just think of this before you go you made it to med school which is amazing and not an easy feat and on top of that YOU HAVE ALREADY SAVED A LIFE hell for those two alone you are a hero
Could we just chat a little before you decide to go? I feel as if your post related to me a lot.
Don’t do it unless there is nothing left to enjoy at all in this life
I suppose you won’t be here to read this, but I’d like to think that somehow you would still be able to hear us from wherever you are now.
Your post touched just the slightest and I regret that I wasn’t able to exchange words with you before you left as I would have cherished the moment forever. I don’t know what you’ve been through or exactly how you’re feeling – but I believe the latter is near identical to how feel now.
I have been feeling like I’m looking at life through a glass for quite a number of years now, however perhaps is the difference is that I am no longer suicidal. I do have suicidal thoughts every now and then.. but perhaps it’s out of laziness, hope, endurance or just plain neutral-ness that I no longer have the desire to take my life. Whether tomorrow comes or not doesn’t matter to me, but I am in no rush to end everything – and that’s the part I just don’t understand when it comes to you.
I keep reading your post again and again, trying to decrypt your motivation behind the choice you have made – and I think I’ve managed to grasp a vaguely. I know it’s selfish of me, but I wish you were still here so I could really know.
I hope you are safe wherever you are now.
Thanks to all of you who answered, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel sad or anything it was just… I don’t know, the need to say goodbye to al least someone.
I dont know what you’d like to know about me but now that I have it all set to do it I feel like I’d like to “help” someone for the last time, so if there’s anything that I can do for you (please dont ask me not to do it, because it won’t work) please tell me. I’ll be around for another our, then I’ll see you all from… well whatever that’s next.
Might I know why you decided to end it ‘now’ rather than before or later?
Also I hope you have a smooth, if not peaceful exit.. although I wish I needn’t.
I have one final request for you. Please don’t kill yourself today. It’s my sister’s birthday, and it’ll bother me greatly knowing that someone I just spoke with committed suicide today.
It’s your life and you’re free to do what you want to with it, but can you at least wait one more day to do it if you absolutely must?
I’ll do my best ok, anyway just don’t think about it, enjoy your sisters birthday 🙂
Stalker alert, when I said “that’s the part I just don’t understand when it comes to you” I was also referring to your previous post, more specifically “it’s a decision Ive made in absolut peace, not led by anger nor sadnes nor fear, it’s just what I want.” I’m not trying to question your values or beliefs, but that’s the part I don’t entirely get. You’re implying that you aren’t motivated by any sort of emotion.. and I don’t think people generally give up on something so easily unless they feel something – not just some logical or scientific decision based on reasoning.. so what’s your true motivation behind your actions? That’s what I’m curious to know.
I made my decision based on the emptiness i feel, I feel sad of course but it’s not that I can’t handle it, the thing is I’m tired, I’ve run out of any kind of motivation to go on. It feels like my life is already over and I just forgot to get out, and now I’m finally leaving.
Maybe it isn’t the best reason, I don’t know, as you’ve probaly read I’ve been suicidal for a long time and I’ve always known how to handle this, but this time is different, you know when you’re awfully sad and you really want to kill yourself, deep inside you still have a little hope that somehow you’ll get better, because there’s no way such kid of pain can last forever. But now I don’t feel almost anything, it’s over, and I’m sure that THAT can last forever, and I don’t want to live like that, it’s not real, it’s pointless.
I hope I’ve answered your question, have a nice day 🙂
I suppose that doesn’t answer it at all, haha. But I suppose that’s because we just handle things differently from each other and I’m able to empathise/sympathise to the point where I understand how you’re going from point A to point B.
I can definitely relate to the “I don’t feel anything” part and agree that “it can last forever” as well as that it is “quite likely” to, and not really classified within the realms of “living”. I can also relate to the burning desire to kill oneself over a long period of time (years) but just not the two together. It just seems contradictory. How you feel motivation to kill yourself without feeling anything emotionally, without feeling alive (“how to kill oneself if one is not alive?”) or having any motivation to live is beyond me and I wish I did understand but it seems I do not.
Oh, and I also understand the “I’m so empty I want to kill myself because I have not felt anything emotionally for months (and I desperately want to feel something now because I might as well be dead)” excuse, but somehow I don’t think that’s quite your case..
I don’t think that “not anger or sadness or fear” means “lack of emotion.” There are indeed other emotions. In fact, i would surmise that each of those listed emotions can actually be the result of the realization of hopelessness. Lacking hope for any kind of acceptable future, does not indicate lack of emotion… it’s just that emotions become rather trivial when it seems like the future is not worth enduring the present to continue striving toward.
I feel like i understand that place. I’ve tried to express it myself, numerous times, and it always seems to get misinterpreted as “the result of emotions (e.g. anger, sadness, fear),” when in fact, it’s more the result of realizing that death is the end of emotion, the end of relentless suffering, the end of obligation to persist… a complete and permanent disconnection from all that has gone and remained irrevocably wrong throughout the experience of life.
I also get that urge to say something to someone, which is often what brings me back here… but i also know: if/when i tell people, they’ll either try to intervene, or they’ll try to convince me i’m wrong about things only i can know, or try to “guilt trip” me, or any of various other manipulations intended to result in my continued but unwanted persistence.
Just the other day, i was thinking about how if/when i feel the time is right, i will most likely not say a word to anyone. I want to leave this broken life behind, regardless of whatever may or may not be next, or whether there is anything at all. It’s not “because of sadness,” nor is it “because of” any of those other emotions. It’s because i feel i have nothing left to work with, and zero chance to have any kind of life worth enduring the bad, to access the good. I feel there will be mostly bad and neutral, and an occasional glimmer of… whatever. A laugh, a fantasy, an inspiring idea that fades within an hour, day or week… but nothing that will ever actually justify the amount of everything ranging from slight annoyance to sheer torment.
At this point, the only thing i really fear is the pain and panic i expect to experience in the final moments. Aside from that, there is still stuff i want to do… but even the smallest worthwhile goals seem like nothing but pipe dreams.
And yes, it is indeed different, after a certain point. I think part of it is just apprehension of such a profound change… but another part is that in all these years of existing, i’ve grown rather fond of consciousness, awareness, sentience, and the ability to assess my environment and apply pressure to alter it. Being a thinking physical entity is pretty interesting, and there’s no guarantee that after this, we’ll ever be anything again. That’s pretty upsetting; i didn’t really even get to use it.
As Jung said: a life not lived to its potential is wasted. But i feel it’s far too late to ever live any kind of life, let alone reach what was, should have been, or still could be, my potential. I’m not really interested in persisting in a broken life that i cannot transform into something worth continuing. It feels like a prison; my whole life has felt like some variation of the concept of a prison. And most of the time, i think it would be better to remove myself from this complex of various variations on prison, rather than maintaining irrational hope that i will ever be both alive and free at the same time.
But each time i’ve felt truly ready, i’ve simply waited it out, and tried to give myself a chance to find any reason to keep going. At this point, i’m not even sure why anymore.
We all gotta die someday, somehow… and most of the time, i don’t think that death will be the reason i miss out on all the things i wanted to do… because i’ll most likely miss out on all those things anyway. That’s what the trends and tendencies seem to suggest. I would have to be able to make a lot of money in a short amount of time, and then exert maximum effort for a long time, in order to get to a new starting point… just to get back to zero, so i can even have any chance to experience anything worth striving for. And none of that is guaranteed, and even if i were able to reach such a position, there isn’t much time or life left for me to even live. I’ve already missed out on most of the things worth striving for. It has become too difficult for me to continually re-convince myself that any of this is worth enduring any further… but i like to be completely certain about any big decision, before committing to it. And i know that if/when i do become certain, i don’t want any interventions… and that’s what the urge to tell someone, is all about. If you still have that urge, you might want to listen to it. Maybe there’s something you’re overlooking, and talking to someone might just bring it out. Seems like a long shot, i know… but if you’ve got nothing left to lose, and nothing left to gain… you might as well roll the dice and see what happens, while you still exist to do anything.
Your situation sounds a lot like mine clever lol. Just been waiting it out for years in the false hopes of things changing or getting better. I don’t really have the energy to continue on deluding myself with such nonsense anymore. I feel it’s getting close to time to just call a spade a spade and put myself out of this miserable life once and for all.
And like you I don’t intend on reaching out to anyone when the time comes. I probably won’t even leave a note.
I wasn’t implying that a lack of sadness or fear means a lack of emotion. However the way the author, PerfectDay, has written it makes me interpret it that way for this circumstance. I won’t try and justify that interpretation any further as I do believe that PerfectDay must be feeling something because I am one of those annoying folk who do believe that actions with large consequences aren’t done so “just because” or “because it’s the logical thing to do”.
And I mean ‘feeling’ as in having a strong desire to do something not just a strong feeling of an emotion we already have words for, such as sadness. Like “deja vu” is only a word in french, but isn’t defined in English yet it is still a feeling and in my opinion an emotion (anything you can feel that isn’t physical is an “emotion” in my terms I suppose). And what I’m trying to argue is that you are unlikely to make extremely big or permanent changes based on logic, reason and spontaneity alone (you may feel a desire for change, hope, etc.). For example, I doubt you would cut off your smallest toe just because you don’t need it anymore. There has to be something more to it to motivate you even to just undergo the reasoning process for making a decision. And if something has become a burden it would have invoked some sort of reaction/feeling from you for you to classify it as so.
And I agree that everyone should life to their potential. However at the same time, you never know when you’ve reached that. Personally, you may be able to judge whether you can go further in a given direction, but there will always be things in you that only others can see/recognise. I suppose it just comes down to how much you’re willing to endure to try and reach that “full potential”.
I should really get off now, but specifically speaking to you clevername, I don’t think that hope/lack of hope is influencing you that much with regards to your last paragraph. I think you’re just procrastinating about procrastinating (based on my own experiences), but who am I to know?
Aryl, you must be young. 🙂
Lots of people make life altering decisions based on absolutely nothing. Lots of others will attempt to remove emotion entirely, and base life altering decisions as purely upon logic and reason as they can. Both of these extremes occur.
What i was getting at, would not be “from spontaneity.” It would seem to occur spontaneously, but i assure you, i have spent roughly 2 decades “deciding” whether i would eventually choose to end my existence. There were some good times, no doubt… but there have been very few great times, and the vast majority was not.
I am totally against self-harm, and would never discard a part of my body just because it wasn’t “necessary.” If you’re going to keep living, you need to keep yourself in the best possible condition. If you can’t do that, you’ll have trouble living.
With inner journeys comes self-knowledge, and with self-knowledge comes understanding of one’s limits. “Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” I have both dreamed and awakened, many times.
My brain is apparently hard wired to never stop. I sometimes contemplate things just because i’m not doing something else at the moment. Do i really need a reason to think? I don’t think so. Reasoning is typically effortless for me, even enjoyable. I let the wheels spin when they want, because what else is there? If i’m not thinking, i’m wasting myself.
I’m not saying i feel nothing; quite the opposite. I feel plenty, constantly. I never stop feeling. And i think that’s part of the problem. Most of what i feel is physical pain and psychological torment. And yet, i manage to “endure” these things daily, but not well enough to reintegrate into a society whose values i cannot abide. I have my own values, my own law, my own reasoning abilities.
I’m not sure what to think about that “procrastinating about procrastinating.” Kinda seems like a personal attack. But it could also be one of those typical misinterpretations i get so tired of having to constantly defend myself against. At some point, that whole thing becomes “fine, if people want to misinterpret whatever about me… fuck it.” People will think whatever they think. I’m tired of dealing with it.
There are things i like about existing, and i feel that i have a deep and thorough appreciation of what i should. The problem is: it’s not enough. And i doubt the more i need, will ever happen. So i often think “i should probably just check out.”
It’s really impossible to verbalize and articulate everything that goes through my mind. I tend to think it might be that way for most people, maybe everyone. That’s part of why i wish i could find someone who did not require me to constantly spend the effort on precision, in order to carefully, tediously and onerously avoid misrepresenting myself. I want someone who doesn’t need any explanations. I’m pretty sure i’ll never find that. And without that, there are only so many things worth any effort at all. I try to remind myself those things might still be worth my effort, to others… and even though it’s often rewarding, to me, when anyone appreciates anything i’ve contributed, that’s still not enough for me. I need an actual life, and i don’t think i will ever get to have one, and there isn’t a whole lot of time left for that to occur. Most of the time, i’m pretty sure it’s already too late. And if that’s the case… what does it even matter? I’m not obligated to “get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’.” I can choose whether to take my time, or discard whatever remains.
You are right clevername, I am young (probably a fair bit younger than you at least). And I guess the difference is that I have more opportunities than you because of that fact so my future is perhaps a lot more open to uncertainty in some respects only. And I’d say ‘some’ because I already know personality-wise and mentally-wise which path I’m going down and that I’ve screwed myself over because of it. At the end of the day, ‘this’ and ‘that’ can happen, but I’ll still be me and I’ll still feel the way I do no matter what happens.
But no, I don’t age matters all that much, however that just be may be my naiveté speaking. I believe I have been “on the fence” for long enough to understand, and I’m quite neutral and detached towards life which is why I felt that connection with this post and your words.
I wrote my last comment right before I went to sleep, and I was thinking about it just before I nodded off. The whole “you must feel something” deal was kind of stupid in hindsight because one could say “I feel a strong desire to end my life”, hence that portion of my question was already answered by myself.
But what I was trying to say is that if you’re on the fence, what changes that makes you finally go and do it? What is that extra push – that extra thought that you haven’t thought of already or at least not to that extent? Because like you said, one can stay in this state for many years.. and over that time surely you would have processed and explored many thoughts/beliefs around it. Perhaps just that fact the end is drawing too near for you and you’d rather speed it up to today because you’re finally ‘sick’ of ‘enduring’? I don’t know.. and sorry I’m going ’round in circles, I’m not feeling particularly articulate today.. Perhaps what I’m trying to say/ask is that one can be reasoning for many, many years, but is that one condition that is only met with time, that finally and completely overpowers any desire to stay? And why does that one condition drive onself so far as to kill? ..but on that note, I suppose you can’t answer to the extent that I’m asking for because you haven’t quite reached there yet or else you wouldn’t be with us anymore, something is still keeping you from doing it right this second.. which I’m glad for by the way.
But by no means is any of this intended to come off as offensive, a personal attack or anything negative.. and sorry if it feels that way. The “procrastinating about procrastinating” bit was just about.. how should I put it.. you haven’t quite given up on trying to make your life worthwhile in slightest, yet you’ve just listed the things that you ‘cannot’ do.. and at the same time you say there are so many things that you ‘cannot’ do because its too ‘late’ in the game for you.. but while you’re saying that time is trickling away right now and more doors a closing yet you keep going over what you ‘cannot’ do rather than what you ‘can’.. and sooner or later it will really be too ‘late’ to do anything more.
And I only brought that up because I’ve realised recently that I have a tendency to do that.. “such and such is drawing near”, “I should get started because I don’t have much time let”, “there isn’t enough time left for me to do what I need to do”, “such and such is drawing near”, “I should get started because I don’t have much time let”… and so on until all of the time is up because I’ve spent too long mulling over the idea that “it’s too late to do anything significant” until it is really just too late and over.
But before you become infuriated with me, I’m near certain that there is a high chance that I’ve gotten this all wrong.. after all it is quite a ‘surface glance’ at things if you will and I suppose with our age gap, we don’t see eye to eye well enough for there needn’t be further explanation to get the ‘actual message’ across.. plus I imagine we’re both stand too strongly by our own opinions for this conversation to ever end if it were to occur. And that’s okay, I’m not going to ask you to explain yourself to me if you’re not up for it although you are always welcome to and I am certain that I will always be keen to hear.
Oh and I suppose you can find someone who doesn’t need everything explained.. but not necessarily because they understand, but because your presence is simply enough to satisfy them and keep their thoughts at bay in the mystery that is you (of course they’d always be curious though). However I imagine that you’re simply asking for someone who sees as you do.. and although it may not be impossible, I think you are more likely to find someone who you think sees eye to eye with you when there is in fact some misinterpretation going on which both parties are happy with and willing to overlook.
Anyways, I offer my sincerest apologies if any of this invoked any negative feelings as it has not been my intent – I am merely ungraceful with words, clumsy and perhaps young.
Cheers.
I could make a list of various things contributing to my reluctance… but i suppose the two most significant ones are that i have an awesome dog i adore, who has had health problems his whole life, and i have two ill-equipped parents (who divorced when i was 2) still hoping i will somehow pull out of this and “make it.”
Without those factors, my hand would be forced, whether i’m ready or not. All of these 3 entities are aging, and so am i, and i’m not really improving. It’s a matter of time, really.
I was taught to never quit, but that’s the only remaining option when one cannot continue. If i can’t recover and survive, i don’t have any other options. So, instead of having an inescapable inevitability imposed upon me by circumstance, i often think that a chosen ending among my own best-case-scenario conditions would indeed be better… or rather, least terrible.
Where are you :'(
If you were really going to do it, you’d be more focused on completing the action of suicide rather than posting comments here. This goes for myself and most others on this site.
OP you say that feeling of nothingness will never end, but I’ve felt dead inside, like what was my last spark had been extinguished but eventually things picked up and I was able to live and feel again. If this really is the end for you, know we care for you and hope you find peace.