Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Wait, Lucy, you’re not actually going to try to end it again, are you?!” Well, the answer, my dear friends… is no. I’m not going to try to kill myself again. Not for a little while, anyway. I mean, I doubt I’m going to live to see 2015, but that’s still a ways off, so I’m still here.
Basically, I just wanted to make this post just to tell everyone one last time how I’m doing. I know it’s been a while since I made an update, so a lot’s happened, but… here goes.
Shortly after I made my post “My Final Decision”, I was prescribed antidepressants from my psychiatrist. I thought about it for several days, but eventually I decided in the end to refuse them. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about that decision. I’ve always been one to get through my problems by myself, and this is no exception. I can’t face the biggest hurdle I’ve ever experienced in my life by having someone else get me through it. I couldn’t bear that thought. I feel like I’m weak if I break down and take the stupid pills. I mean, if I need help just to get through hardships, I may as well not even live at all, because life is going to be full of them. But, at the same time… almost 7 years of depression makes you pretty fucking desperate.
On a lighter note, they’re going to release me from the hospital tomorrow, so I’m pretty exited about that. I don’t really know what’s going to happen after I get back to the real world, though… I guess nobody really knows what’s in store for their future. Sure, they can make guesses and hypotheses, but nobody can know for certain. I guess we’re not really meant to know. All we can do is hope… hope that things will get better.
But sometimes they won’t. Sometimes you just can’t win. Sometimes the only way it can get better is if life isn’t even there at all. But that’s okay. Because sometimes that’s just how the world works. You’ve got to break an egg to make an omelette. Even if that egg is you, and you won’t live to see the final result. All you’ll know is that you’ll be released from your pain, and that’s all that matters. I understand that all too well.
Even though it seems like I’m not, I’m still going to be around this site now and then. I’m not really going to stop coming, I’m just going to stop posting for the most part. So I may see you around somewhere… or maybe not, nobody really knows. Maybe it’s for the better if we don’t meet again, but I don’t think I’ll ever live to see the answer.
Finally, I’d like to give one final thanks to all of you who have helped me so much. I can’t ever repay you. I owe you my life. I don’t think I’ll ever forget any of you, not even the day I die. Specifically, I have a list of the main people who helped me the most:
FiendInside, for supporting me from the sidelines from the beginning, but then becoming a major ally in the end, wanting to get to know me, and opening my eyes a lot more than I realize.
Dark Firefly, for sharing countless similarities with me, talking with me, and knowing what I’m going through more than anyone else. Stay strong.
TilboGabbins, for constantly entertaining me, supporting me, and giving me hope, while all the same being one of the happiest people I have met on this site.
And finally, killswitchon, for standing by me from the very beginning, making me laugh in my darkest hours, sharing many interests (you go, Cloud), and for believing in me and supporting me even when I had made the wrong decision.
If any of you ever want to talk, don’t hesitate to email me: firstname.lastname@example.org