For the uninitiated, narcissism is a personality disorder that has (almost) nothing to do with vanity, as we commonly understand it. In a nutshell, “their behavior tends to be erratic, manipulative and centered around themselves. In some cases, a person suffering from this condition can become both physically and emotionally abusive…”
“Typically, those with this condition are unable to relate to the emotions of other people, and see any form of criticism as a personal attack. They may react with extreme rage or violence in these situations, or turn the words of their perceived attacker around to make themselves look like victims.”
A little background: my mother has narcissistic personality disorder, and, per this condition, assigned my sister the role of golden child and me the scapegoat. My sister is openly hostile and has no friends. Once any relationship is established with her, she will invent some perceived harm and send the other person a poisoned pen letter telling her/him how evil s/he is and to get lost. She did, however, eventually marry and at 51 she gave birth to her first and only child, a son.
Without going into too much needless detail, when she married she uninvited me to the wedding because I didn’t want to go into New York to find fabric to repair her wedding gown when she could just order a piece from the manufacturer. Although the fabric was very expensive, she and her husband are both physicians. She told people that I said, “I don’t want to be your maid of honor! I quit!” and stormed out of the room. Whatever. I decided at that point that I was done with her abuse and that this incident was the last after a lifetime of them. For my own protection, I have not spoken with her since. My daughter is free to have any relationship she chooses with my sister and her family once she turns 18, but not before then.
A few weeks ago my kid had her bat mitzvah. My mother came down on Friday and went directly to the hotel. She came over later for a quick meal and then left. The next day was the event and she attended the service in the morning in her best khakis and sneakers. For the reception, we had ordered fresh leis from Hawaii and all family members were presented with one. Her immediate response was that it stinks and couldn’t wear it, even for the half hour during which we were taking photos. I took it from her and gave it to someone else. She stayed at the hotel that night without saying good-bye to my daughter or to me.
On Sunday, she came over to the house with my cousins. My daughter was at her father’s as it was Father’s Day. My mother went over to see my daughter and when she arrived, she took out her phone and showed my daughter pictures of my sister’s son. She told her that my sister “really wants to meet her” and that when my daughter goes to visit my mother she will arrange a meeting with my sister and her son without my knowledge. She then returned to my house after having spent about 10 minutes with my daughter. My daughter related the conversation to me later that day, upset at having been drawn into such duplicity.
My daughter came back to the house that evening but my mother went to bed early. The next morning she claimed that despite the fact that she left a light on, she tripped on a step and fell, and now she’s “black and blue all over.” She gets up in the middle of the night to pee because, as she’s told me ever since I was very young, I damaged her bladder when she was pregnant with me. She caught a 1:00 train that day. During the ride I told her that in the future there will be no discussions with my daughter about my sister ‘really wanting to meet her.’ My friend was in the car and my mother called her later to complain about how out of line I was to tell her that and asked of my friend if my daughter tells me everything. Yes, my friend told her. My daughter and I do not keep things from each other.
Although she is quite well off — she has a couple million, she gave my daughter a small check as a gift, considerably less than some gifts from people who didn’t attend.
The prayer shawl: My father died in 1996 and my daughter is named for her. I asked my mother to send my father’s prayer shawl. She insisted she didn’t have it until she looked where I told her it was and she agreed to send it with the caveat that I send it back so my sister’s son can have it for his bar mitzvah. My sister married a gentile in her husband’s church. Their son was not circumcised and was baptized as a Christian in her husband’s church. They celebrate the Christian holidays, including decorating their home with half a dozen Christmas trees and having Easter egg hunts. However, their son does receive gifts for both Hanukkah and Christmas. I told my mother that I didn’t realize my sister wanted the prayer shawl for her son, and that she should have it because I wasn’t going to get into a struggle over a large piece of cloth. She said that my sister never made mention of wanting it.
Father’s Day: My daughter and I share a birthday in May. This year my mother sent three mugs with my daughter’s pictures on them. She told my daughter that if she wants to give one to her father for Father’s Day, that would be okay with her. My daughter did not know what she was talking about because no one had ever given her a gift that was suggested she then give to someone else. Interestingly, what was unique about this gift was that it was brand new. My mother would frequently wrap and send broken toys she would find at tag sales or the Salvation Army and repair them with duct tape, despite my repeated requests that she not do so because my daughter is worthy and deserving of new, unbroken things.
My mother ordered a mug for my daughter’s father. She called to let me know the status — that she had ordered it, that it was completed, that it was being shipped. She called several times to see if it had arrived. When it finally did get to my house she wanted to know what my daughter thought of it and the card she included. I explained that I had a warehouse full of boxes on my porch filled with things for the bat mitzvah and we hadn’t had a chance to open it. I was unable throughout those weeks to impress upon her that Father’s Day was not the priority in our house, one, because we were putting together a bat mitzvah and two, because I am in the middle of a divorce after an emotionally abusive marriage with my daughter’s father, and it’s quite likely I’m going to lose my house and be left with almost nothing. Prior to my mother’s arrival, my friends and I packed up my daughter and sent her to her father’s house with the fucking mug to shut my mother up.
Additionally, in the weeks leading up to the bat mitzvah, each of her calls also included a discussion of her travel plans and sleeping arrangements. As an aside, my friend of almost 35 years who lives somewhat near where she lives agreed to bring her down. He rearranged his plans to accommodate her and spent seven hours in the car with her listening to her complain. After they returned home, my mother called him, not to say ‘thank you’ but to yell at him for failing to bring in two cakes that were on the back seat of the car and that now she had to throw them out. The cakes were valued at about $3.00 in total.
That was this month.
Prior to this, over the last year my mother said that she was going to pay for my house. I told her I didn’t want her to, but I did want her to co-sign the mortgage. She insisted upon paying for the house. I declined the offer. After my first court hearing, I said that I would take her up on her offer. She then told me that she had to discuss the matter with my sister who controls all of her finances. She told me that she would buy the house and it would be in her name and I would pay her rent. I told her that I would have no control over and no equity in the house in that case and, that upon her passing the house would then be jointly owned by my sister and me and that I would have to buy out my sister in order to continue living in it and that that was not a good idea. Then my sister did a search on the internet and determined that my house has no equity and that my house is a “poor investment.” (My house has over $100,000 in equity.) My mother then told me that I should sell the house and move into an apartment. It took just under a week to go from being given a house to being told I should go get an apartment.
It has taken me 50 years of this to recognize that there’s a problem here.
12 comments
well… better late than never?
And, i don’t mean for this to be offensive in any way, but could she be more stereotypical?
Central Casting!
My recommendation is to move at least 1000 miles away from them, preferably to the west coast. Although i suppose there might be custody issues w/ that. If not, go. Didn’t you say you’re a lawyer? I’m pretty sure there will be lots of cannabis law cases on the west coast… you could do consulting and such, or even defend people’s rights. You might not find the measure of affluence you once enjoyed, but you’ll have enough, and you’ll be away from those people.
Trust me, I have not enjoyed the affluence one could easily infer. That’s also part of the narcissism. I wore the same pair of sneakers throughout high school — four years in my sister’s hand-me-downs. (Yes, there were lots of holes in the bottom.) My jeans were torn from the knee up to the crotch, and there were holes in the knees, as well. That’s part of being the scapegoat — they’re treated like garbage while the golden child gets clothes, and a car and a college education. I put myself through school waiting tables and it took me 9 years to get a 4-year degree. My husband is a compulsive debtor and went through all of my savings. The last vacation I took was our honeymoon in 1999 — and even then he paid for it with all of the money we received as wedding gifts and didn’t tell me. My clothes come from Target and I’m still driving the car I owned when I met him (a 1997 Jeep), Thank God when his mother died I put a chunk of his share into our kid’s college fund which he can’t touch. If I lose the house, I see two options, suicide or as you suggest, moving far away. My daughter is the lynchpin for any decision I make. I don’t need much to live on; I never have. But I’m just so fucking tired of starting over.
in order to conserve nesting space, i’m replying to my own comment. 😛
I can’t believe (i can’t but i don’t want to) the stuff you’ve shared actually happens. I think you would most likely find reasons, ways and means, to enjoy what’s left of life, if you could do so away from those people. And if your daughter could grow up away from that type of environment and influence, she’d probably be better off. From what i understand, from what i’ve read and been told, the west coast is just completely different from the rest of the country. I would simplify it as “people don’t suck nearly as much over there.” (but of course, there is an asshole quota everywhere)
I’ve known two friends from a decade ago, one from WA and one from OR, and both say it’s great (compared to TX, which is where we were at the time… and i’m inclined to agree, because i’ve lived in TX… it wouldn’t take much to be “better,” and Austin was like a little oasis in the middle of hell… okay that’s not fair, the hill country is nice, but mostly because it’s rural and you don’t have to deal with people as often)
But, you know… give it a look.
Yup, it’s pretty fucked up. And yet — here’s the kicker — they’re all resentful of ME because I have awesome friends and an awesome kid. It infuriates them — my butt plug husband, my **** mother, my twat sister — that I always land on my feet and make it look like I’m having a good time in the process. They are freakin’ vampires — they suck the life and joy out of everyone and everything that goes near them. I’m telling you, clevername, there are no narcissists on this website, but plenty of us who have had to deal with them. Maybe that’s their cross to bear — they’re so fucking miserable but they would NEVER consider catching the bus because they’re so enamored with themselves, so they just continue being miserable and try to take down everyone with them.
like a cat, “failing gracefully.”
Yeah… i don’t even know what to say about people like that. I tend to think they’re not worth my time. My reaction upon encountering them, tends to involve a type of condescending hysterical laugh, like “HAH!? Really? …” And then i immediately decide that i don’t want to deal with those people anymore, and try to make arrangements to facilitate that decision. 🙂
I don’t even like allowing them to exist in my thoughts. If they spontaneously pop up, i’m like “uh, no… You’re not allowed to be here…” and then sort of flush it out with any other more preferable thought. But sometimes that’s difficult and i get frustrated when it keeps happening. I’d prefer to spend my energy on things i actually want to think about. And i’ve spent loads of time practicing that. Sometimes, i think, you just have to decide you’re done with certain people’s bullshit, and go from there. It’s unfortunate when that results in a lost friendship or relationship or even severed family ties… but if you know you’ve given people way more than enough chances, and they just don’t value that… it’s time. I suppose you could call it conservation of self (rather than preservation). You don’t have to stop caring, but you also don’t have to waste yourself on arbitrary frivolousness, imposed upon you by people who don’t bother to consider how their behavior may negatively affect you. Personally, i’m not even that interested in figuring out their “issue” for them. If they don’t want to correct themselves, i’d rather not waste myself on trying to counter-manipulate them, because that becomes internally costly very fast. “Ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat!”
apologies for triple comment: those authorized cultivators and med dispensaries will most likely want someone on retainer, because it’s possible that all their assets could be seized unjustly… just wanted to throw that out there. ^^
I’m willing to barter!
Aren’t we all… 😉
(had a Costanza moment, and finally figured out what i would liked to have said, many hours later…)
My personal belief is that narcissists are something less than human. That their lack of key elements of what we would define as humanity makes them subhuman. Their lack of empathy for example. I believe that placing yourself above the rest of humanity the way they do, does the exact opposite and makes them lesser creatures.
This reminds me of the thing about psychopaths and sociopaths being better at business, because they’re not constrained by the rules of conscience and empathy. Emotional sensitivity can be a liability. It sucks that being “less human” can result in “more successful” (materially speaking anyway… i would posit that a successful human experiences the entire spectrum, instead of just dominating the material realm… but that’s apparently not how most of the world functions, which makes you wonder: are TPTB really just a lineage of psychopaths, who have only become so materially powerful due to being naturally free from the constraints of compassion and empathy? It sure seems that way…)