hi all,
I stumbled across this site after numerous related searches…maybe it will feel “like home”. i’m turning 36 in 2 days and I never thought my life would be like this. I was always one of those positive people that said and believed things like “you determine your destiny” and “your life is what you make of it.” apparently, I’ve made a mess. it’s not that there is any one problem or even a list of problems. it’s that my whole life IS the problem. the simple fact that I exist and continue to exist is the problem. it’s beyond the point of “cheer up” or maybe “buying something will make me smile.” I simply don’t want to be “here” any more. For many years I have thought of my life like a video game. I’m losing, continue to lose, there’s nothing in it for me, and i’m ready to turn the power switch off and put the controller down. I don’t want to make a scene by throwing the controller at the tv or hitting the person next to me with it. I don’t want to push pause and listen to polite melodies. the thing about this game, called my life, is that there is no where to go, no where to advance, and no other players. I started off losing and throughout the game, I continue to lose more and more as time progresses. I just want to put the controller down, take a deep sigh, say to myself “thank god, it’s over” and walk away. no dramatic exits or fancy verbiage. it’s simply over. that is what would make me happy, and not just now, or just today, or just lately, but I’ve felt this way for many years. I have tried distracting myself, telling myself and even believing at times that things WILL get better. but i’m tired of fighting. of fighting everyone. everywhere I go, people laugh at me. they actually look down, or to someone else, smirk and grin widely. I don’t particularly find anything funny about my existence. I don’t have an unusual look. I have all of my body parts, no strange piercings/ tattoos/ clothing. nothing that stands out. and yet, I am continuously surprised by the amount of people in my life (including strangers and acquaintences) that don’t hesitate to stab me in the back to get ahead; or more often, so I don’t get ahead. it’s not that I have lots of money or lots of anything for that matter (or even a little money or a little bit of friends), so I can’t understand why people do what they do. I just try to have a quiet life, not stepping on anyone’s toes, not committing crimes, or putting anyone or anything in danger or harms way. I just want to have a quiet life. it doesn’t have to be hugely successful (since that’s not even an option), or relatively successful. I’ve grown accustomed to the idea of moving somewhere far away, less populated and just quietly continuing my sad, unknown, easily forgettable existence. but even that seems too much to ask lately.
6 comments
welcome to the site.
those people are so mean. And, it is their fault that they do those things.
“I just want to put the controller down, take a deep sigh, say to myself “thank god, it’s over” and walk away.”
I know that feeling all too well. I can’t even “play the game” anymore. All i can do is stare at the screen and hold the controller, occasionally pressing a button or two or three, in sheer futility.
You know that moment when you’re still holding the controller, the game’s still running, but the actions have become pointless, and so you just sort of… vindictively, begrudgingly, press a button in a uselessly exaggerated way, with large delays between what should be done in rapid succession, because you already know it doesn’t matter? I got to the point where i was literally doing that with actual video games… right before i reached the point where actual video games are no longer interesting… even though i have several that i never got around to finishing.
I cant imagine what they are finding so comical or strange,but my dear,there are people who never rise above high school clique mentality..People are critical ,shallow ,condemning assholes..People (not all,but so many) derive gratification from looking at others and cutting them up..it makes them feel better about themselves.ALl the backstabbing you mentioned-how awful. Fuck em…You need better people around you.Cut them loose. If you find yourself preoccupied still with the idea of moving to a different place,then I think you should make a plan. Its a completely doable option.
Thank you, misanthrope. Thank you for the understanding. It’s really not comical at all, as you know. To wake up every day, broken and defeated, trying to live a “normal” life like other people. Sometimes I think I could exist if I didn’t have emotions. Sometimes I think I’m better off dead; the world is better off with me dead. My mom hears me crying in my bedroom upstairs. She doesn’t ask what’s wrong, or are you okay? She lets me cry. Sometimes I feel like I don’t exist. I really don’t know why I was born.
I used to compare my life to a video game too. Was nice to read someone else thinks the same way.