I’m 52, I have severe mental illness, I haven’t worked for my living in twenty years, I have a son that I never see. I live alone and have virtually no friends anymore.
I don’t listen to music, I can barely keep my house clean, I don’t cook anymore, I am on the internet all the time because I’ve really got nothing else.
I have N, I am storing it for future use, I don’t want to upset my mother so I’m trying to hold on until she passes.
Should I not be here? Sorry I am not some guy hanging out with his mates in a virtual pub. I feel shut out, there’s quite a bit of misogyny here, that’s right, go on, have a go at me for saying it, it’s like a fucking gentleman’s club on SP these days.
There’s a Morrissey lyric ‘if you have five seconds to spare, I’ll tell you the story of my life’. So there it is, I’m sorry I’m not popular or interesting and can’t banter with you all and know the pop culture references and in-jokes, or failing that, even be intellectual.
Fact is, I have too much time on my hands and too few places to go. And you’re gonna hate me for saying this, but I wish there were more suicidal people on this site.
36 comments
I wish he’d get a haircut. A dear friend of mine is enthralled with Morrissey, it’s actually quite scary. Yeesh.
Alright, I s’pose I’m guilty of disregarding women at times. I try to check my words but… Unauthorised discharges and such. I’ll repent for it in time to come. I don’t know half the shit these folks go on about, I rely on intuition or Uncle Google and Aunty Wiki most times.
I’ll trade your N for a signed Smiths vinyl? Not interested? Ugh… Sweet as then.
Why try to fit in? It hasn’t worked up to this point
i swear i cant fit in here either. I try to, but i just… cant
Don’t try fit in – either ease into it or make it a pair of jean shorts instead. Worked with my old Rugby jersey, just chop off the sleeves.
There’s a metaphor in there somewhere. Maybe I need to sleep.
i think i can see the metaphor. Time to buy some more clothes
Hmm, I mean no ill will to you guys, I just needed to vent that I guess…
i got a severe lack of knowledge on many things. Every time i reply i sound like a robot. We all need to vent sometimes
You’re quite popular though ssg, and at least you keep trying, half the time I’m too intimidated to interject.
I’ve noticed you around seppuku..!? I read your posts.. : /
i am sorry that you have a severe mental illness. I cannot even begin to imagine what that would be like. (not trying to belittle you. Hope i didnt come across that way)
People here are trying to support each other though… I’m not holding a gun to my head right now or anything, but it’s not like I’m eager to go through with it.. I’d rather go to a Suicide clinic like Dignitas in Switzerland, but it’s not like I can afford that. I don’t have the passion to off myself in the moment, that’s part of why I’m here, I don’t feel, like a normal person should. I’m miserable.
Thanks ssg. Yeah, does suck. Don’t want a pity party or anything, I’m not a walking illness, just a person with a problem, albeit quite a large one.
Thanks for the response thanatos, I appreciate it.
I thought I was gonna get jumped on for saying sp is a gentleman’s club lol. But I was even more depressed than usual today and thus a bit more paranoid than usual (thinking I’m being ignored, that no one likes me etc).
Sorry you feel that way thanatos. Yeah, dignitas would have been the cushy option…huh, maybe in the next world. I even approached them at one point, but needless to say they don’t/can’t help people who are mentally ill.
What? No? That’s the entire premise of Dignitas, the mentally ill and weary of life have every right to die with dignity!?
They would be in serious bother with the law and risk being shut down completely if they helped anyone but the old, sick and terminally ill people to die. It’s not so much that they don’t want to help in principle, it’s that they can’t.
When was this? From what I’ve read it’s ‘fair game’. I’ve heard there may be some difficulties if you’re not from Switzerland, but beyond that it seemed like things checked out.
Belgium will euthanase mentally ill people.
Alas no. This was a coupla years ago. I got a flat out ‘no’.
I’ve got the means, but I am destined to die as I lived, sad and lonely, surrounded by precisely no one.
I think you fit in. Of course I’ve only been reading posts on this site for about 2 weeks and have posting for just a couple days but you are definitely someone who seems like he’s a part of things.
I don’t see the misogyny myself. There’s a lot of “bro” talk which I don’t get but I haven’t seen much of anything other than that.
Again, though, I’m new here. Maybe I will feel the same in time.
Thanks for the vote of confidence copelessness. Great name that. I’m a lady actually. I should have mentioned that, I guess it’s relevant.
My apologies for the mistake. I had been trying to use gender-neutral pronouns such as “they” even though it is grammatically inaccurate in the singular sense at least until I know everyone a little better but that one slipped. Either that or auto-correct got me.
i’ve been subject of the “bro talk” too, and for that I apologize, not trying to slight anyone, but you’re hardly an outcast seppuku. you’re the one that finally got me to start posting/commenting on this site regularly (which in this case is good). just so happens this site is dominated by suicidal young men. who woulda thunk.
Cool, Stabby. Well as I got lotsa affirmative comments to my post (and no one beat up on me for the ‘misogynist’ comment, lol) I’m actually happier now and don’t feel so much of an outcast…being alone all the time messes with my head sometimes, I was getting a little paranoid, guess that’s not too surprising. We weren’t designed to live this way.
watch the show “misfits” and you’ll have a better idea of what this motley crew of characters we got goin on here is like. our superpowers consist of melodramatic rants, sympathetic suicide discouraging comments, radical instability and witty self pity. ;p
Ha
As far as I’m concerned, you’re the most interesting person here.
That’s probably because I’m 48 and often feel like there’s no one here our age.
Actually I’ve noticed a lot of 50+ years on this site
50+ or 29 & down
But it seems to be WAY more of the latter than the former.
From another 50-something female misfit, please know your posts are appreciated. I spend a lot of time alone, too, and it definitely messes with my head. You’re right, we’re not meant to live this way (alone so much of the time) and I’m starting to find some solace on this forum. Take care.
But it seems to be WAY more of the latter than the former.
Oops, responded to wrong comment.
You know, i think several of us feel the same way. I’m on a similar boat as yours since i got N, waiting for a family member to die of age in order not to cause emotional pain (but i’m miserably failing since it gets harder day by day), and i don’t feel i fit much here either. I’m a bit younger tho (32) and i have only the internet since i get awful anxiety whenever i’m around people… so it’s breaking myself a bit more by looking old memories in facebook, this place or netflix. So i usually end up using the former two.
You have to keep in mind tho, must people that post here do so in order to relieve the suicidal impulses more than potentiate them, that’s why you see random posts, stupid conversations and a million things that have nothing to do with suicide. It’s a way to cope, and it’s not that they are not suicidal, but they are fighting against it for one reason or another. And in a way none of the people who visits this blog fit it anywhere, so we all end up here.
I am in the same boat as you, seppuku. I do work, however, but it is a difficult job and every day I wonder why I continue with it (probably because I don’t want to be homeless and because it’s the only thing I have). And while I do have my mom, she is basically unsupportive and doesn’t want to hear about my life struggles. I live alone, so I have no one to talk to and I find myself wasting my weekends on the internet. Like today for instance, I should be outside enjoying the beautiful weather, but instead I am holed up in my apartment. There are so many other things I should be doing, but I have no energy or motivation for anything, including cooking or cleaning. This is not how I envisioned my life many years ago, but considering that I made a series of bad decisions that led me to this point, I guess this was the inevitable outcome…alone and depressed with no hope of anything ever changing for the better. Not sure how long I’ll be able to continue with this purposeless existence.
Aww, guys, thank you for your supportive and understanding comments, I’m glad I’m not the only one who has felt this. I will try to remember what you have said next time I start to think no one likes me, etc ad nauseam.
Seems like middle age does bring its own form of torment with it. That youthful hope and optimism that used to burst forth and give energy for a dozen fresh starts is just gone from my life, replaced by cynicism and the cumulative effect of past mistakes weighs heavily on the present.
I find myself apologising, here on a suicide forum lol, for being so relentlessly downbeat and having little positive to say. Last thing I want is to bring others down with me, that’s one reason why I largely keep to myself (M, I also feel anxious around people…). Once upon a time I would spend effort trying to pick other people up from the depths, but I am struggling to keep upright myself these days.
Ninthlife and Silence, I’m glad you found stuff you could relate to in my post, (well, maybe not glad since it’s tough for us, but you know what I mean) and Dallas, thank you for the identification. Thanks also killswitchon, despite your comments about vegans (lol!) I’ve grown to appreciate your humour and wit. I loved that post about being enormously fat and hairy with zits, even though methinks you exaggerate a bit!
I’d be lost without the internet but when I turn away from it and take time to think, the emptiness and loneliness does hit me hard at times. Sitting in a favourite spot in nature (like a huge park that’s literally across the road from me) with as few people around as possible is what gives me the most solace.
There is an epidemic of loneliness these days. So many of us suffer in silence, whether we have mental illness or not. I realise that from this forum and others and try to do a reality check with myself when I start to feel that I’m the only one alone. Thanks for keeping me company just a little bit. If there was a god I would ask him to bless you all.
seppuku where did you get the N and how do you know it’s pure?