I have thought about committing suicide quite a few times, but I don’t have the guts to go through with it. I’m a burden on my family. My wife and kids would be so much better off without me. They could have a new “Dad” in their lives who didn’t screw things up and make a mess of everything. They might even get some insurance money to help them pay off the debt we’ve incurred because of me. I know it would hurt them and I know that many will say it’s selfish to commit suicide, but I’m not sure of another way to ensure that they don’t have to live with the burden and struggle that I put them through over and over again. I make bad decisions and I do it without consulting anyone including my wife. She deserves better and she could find it if I wasn’t in the picture.
I feel like there’s no other way to release them from it, from me, except to ask my wife for a divorce. I’d need a little money to live on, but I would gladly hand over everything else (I have a very good paying job especially if I wasn’t around to spend it). Here is where I am being selfish though, I don’t think I could live alone and watch my kids grow up from a distance and watch the, inevitably, better man raise my kids and be the father that I should have been. I love my wife and kids more than anything in this world and living without them would be the one thing that I think could give me the courage to go through with it…so why postpone the inevitable?
6 comments
define mess
My man. Isn’t it so interesting to feel so powerless? This is why we end up feeling so powerless… because we feel like we are watching our life go by. For example, let’s say I have a habit of picking my lips and I hate it (apply this to any bad life behavior). When I sit there and notice I’ve been picking my lips for a while, I’m like “wtf why do you keep doing this?” to myself.
So here is the question: where do you go while the “you” you are referring to is making a mess of things? Read this carefully: you can become who you want to be. Think of it this way: if you didn’t have a piece of you that was capable of transformation, then you wouldn’t be able to look at your life and say that you could improve! There is the potential. You just have to magnify it.
I look at your post and think, “this man must be pretty selfless and loving deep down if he cares this much for the people around him.” Wanna know what’s getting in the way? Your perception of yourself. If you want to change how you live in the world, first change how you treat yourself in your mind. Because to me, you look like you can be a hero. Whatever it takes for you to see that, do it. Now. Get this thing going and reinvent yourself. Your family deserves love and so do you. One of the best first steps is to start running every day- it will give you energy and help you realize your ability to achieve your goals.
Order this book; it changed my life: “The Power of Now” by Eckart Tolle. I wish you all the best!
^^yes, define please
Also, at the VERY LEAST wait until you get a divorce and move out before you do it. Will it be hard as hell? Yes. But you may experience a degree of freedom that makes you more comfortable than you are right now if you went on your own, away from your family.
I’d say, if you already recognize the problem and still love your family, is there something stopping you from changing that behaviour and improving things? i mean, you could always start listening to others (specially your wife) and begin fixing things from there… don’t know your complete situation but that’s all that i could think off after reading your post. Regarding the other dad and other husband… a stepdad is never a replacement for a real father (and i don’t think you beat up your kids or abuse them so they wouldn’t be better off) and there’s always the possibility that your wife won’t be able to move on with her life for quite sometime if you take your life (if she still loves you that is, which only you know the answer to).
I hear you. It absolutely sucks to live alone. I have been living like this for a decade and I would rather die than continue to live this isolating existence.
yeah, get the divorce first – that way they’re somewhat prepared for you being gone 😉 make sure the breaks are clean and just jump man!