I have scars on my arms from endless self harm. I am depressed all the time. I have times where I don’t want to live anymore. My thoughts in my head are like burning flesh. I cut to relieve pain, my emotions. I always think cutting is the solution to everything. I take the razor to my wrist, and i cut and cut until there’s nothing left. I’ll cut until I bleed onto this page. And I’ll find words that can qualify my rage. People can be cruel, and i need a way to deal, and up to this point, A razor is all that’s real. I dont like to cut, but when there is nothing left to do, I cover my wrists to hide the shame, Though, I cut my wrists to hide the pain. But if the pen is mightier than a word, then a cut is less mighty than a word. Then I’ll bleed onto this page, and let subside my bloody rage. I look at the scars on my arms and i think to myself, ” Was it really worth it?”
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4 comments
Looks like you could write poetry if you really wanted to.
I know. This was the first poem i ever wrote in my life.
Ive been writing poetry.
I have never cut myself before so I can’t really relate to the addiction or reliance on having to cut. However I do not hold sharp objects for long periods of time because I do have an undeniable desire to self-harm at times.
You should pick up something physical to stop. Exercise is a great way to help manage depression especially if you can find a sport/activity/exercise you really enjoy. An hour a day should do the trick. I would perhaps suggest some sort of boxing (maybe shadow? idk) because your hands are quite involved. Otherwise if you’re more on the artistic side, I think pottery might be nice (for the same reason regarding your hands). But honestly anything exercise is going to make you feel better (even if only a little).
Personally I’ve been contemplating getting a tattoo done some time – not sure what, but it would be a sort of message to myself. I’d probably get it done on my forearm so whenever I look down I see it and since its permanent, it’s always going to be there to remind me. Perhaps that’s kind of lame, but if you’re old enough you could think about that as an option if you’re keen. Maybe that would help stop you from cutting? People usually get tattoos done after some significant event in their life and they’re permanent so if you do consider it you need to make sure that’s what you want (circumstances change and so will you).
I can’t tell you to stop cutting, because I can imagine how it feels (if only vaguely). But I do ask you to stop because there are better ways to manage how you feel.. and I highly encourage you to have a try at using some other physical activity as your outlet.
Take care.