In my over 30 years of being chronically suicidal and depressed, I’ve tried drowning myself by swimming out far into the ocean until I became exhausted (but I was “saved” by fishermen, though they had a bit of difficulty landing me in the boat, because I fought like hell). I’ve tried poisons, and massive doses of acetomenophen and morphine (put me in a coma for a while). I’ve tried cabon monoxide poisoning by charcoal (but my only neighbors came home unexpectedly, returning early from their vacation and though I had taped up the door, they smelled smoke. Next time I’ll get a carbon monoxide monitor so I can enter my taped off confined space once it registers at toxic levels, walk in and lights out!). The only success I ever had (I was actually dead for more than two minutes, but was brought back with “minor” brain damage) was cutting the arteries in my legs (but my curtains were a bit short for my windows, and a nosy neighbor taking out her trash saw the blood and called The Man).
I just wanted to scream: “You didn’t save my life! You ruined my death!”
Recently, I’ve tried slitting my throat (ending up with 52 stitches, four months in the laughing academy, and now I look like the bride of Frankenstein). And I later tried again to overdose on a deadly quantity of morphine and acetaminophen, but was discovered comatose the second day, and once again brought back to life.
And, those are just the highlights.
I’m so tired at this point, so utterly depressed. I hate being alive, having been born, and forced into this hellish life by an unwanted meeting of egg and sperm.
I’m hoping a tank of ******** will finally get me to that lovely velvet black land of eternal sleep, that state of ultimate peace, and liberation that I once was able to escape to for a few minutes.
17 comments
Christ on a bike. Your posts get me every time. I’m sorry that your penchant for dying has inadvertently kept you here. Dat ain’t rite.
I know you smoke ciggies and drink, or used to… You ever tried smoking the ganja? Way better than the aforementioned, IMHO.
I second that idea btw..
…just saying
Don’t know where I’d get it, I live in a tiny rural village in Europe, and have become severely agoraphobic. I never enjoyed pot, though I was exposed to a lot of it at University (32 years ago). It just made me so utterly paranoid, that I’d freeze up and just beg for the high to be over.
I’m not close enough to Amsterdam, otherwise, I’d give it another shot.
Thanks for the suggestion though!
….and they haven’t locked you away yet?
Thanks for the commiseration Real Talk.
Luckily, THE MAN has no way to lock anyone away that is found mentally sound. Luckily, I’m a very high functioning crazy person, and can behave, and talk my way out to freedom. But, really, joking aside, there are very mentally disturbed people who are not in control of their minds that are “locked up”, it’s so sad, after all I’ve seen, and the fact that none of the psychiatrists’ wonder drugs can help these poor, suffering people. Even after something as terrible as slitting my own throat, I was still the most functional patient in the loony bin.
Much of society doesn’t see the incredible difference between someone like me, and say a babbling mental patient. They see us both as “mentally ill”. But, I’m the one who has been their coworker, the musician on stage at a concert they went to, the ballet teacher that taught their children, the highest ranked student in their class. (See my reply below for more of my antics.)
This is why people get so confused when there is a school shooting. They all freak out about “why didn’t people see that he was “mentally ill”?” “How can these “mentally ill” people just go out and buy guns?”… See what I mean?
Anyhoo, thanks for taking the time to write!
“Much of society doesn’t see the incredible difference…”
Therein lies the most painful irony of all. They are too busy focused on other “differences,” and completely miss the really important ones.
It’s always tempting to oversimplify as “people are just stupid,” but the real problem is that they are indoctrinated from birth, by indoctrinated parents, and are never required or allowed the opportunity to really learn how to Think. In fact, they are most often discouraged from really thinking. That’s why the phrase “you think too much” even exists. Everyone should think more, not less. But try changing that… lol.
Gosh. I really admire your dedication! Those are some badass attempts. Technically you should not be here! I almost feel like saying ‘better luck next time’ but that would be wrong I guess. I wonder how you managed to get your hands on quantities of morphine. When I go I’m using N. It seems to have a good track record. Doesn’t come cheap though. Hey I’m always about to get myself banned…
Better luck next time is highly appreciated!
I don’t seem to give up, do I! Ha! Yeah, I’m the Energizer bunny of suicidality!
I have three areas of arthritis in my spine, and thus deal with chronic pain, so morphine is easy to get.
(See below for a lengthyish reply where I babble on about more stuff, if you’re interested.)
I know how you feel, I’ve tried committing suicide multiple times as well, and when it’s somehow, unbelievably foiled you feel like you’re being fucked with. I’ve only had one attempt where I was truly surprised I was still alive, but I do get the point you’re making.
[groan]
Yeah, it’s already hellish just to wake up in bed every day, but THAT sort of wake up…!
Sad to know you’ve suffered so much to get that experience.
Thanks for commisserating.
If i go im jumping head first off a tall structure . That’ll do it.
I don’t jump because when I was bleeding out during that “successful” attempt I mentioned, I watched time literally slow down to a near stop. And, so, if I jumped, I’m afraid I would never make it to the ground, but remain trapped in some hellish eternity of time.
Man, what a superfluous existence, you really did all this? o.o
Sadly, yes all I wrote is true, but you need to put it in the context of 30+ years.
My various “mental health professionals”, always seem quite confused at my more violent, cutting attempts, as they say these are “indicative of MALE suicidal behavior. (If I could, I’d get a hold of a 357 magnum with hollow points and blow my brains out all over their desks! Maybe, that would help to open their narrow little minds a bit!)
What you need to realize is I am exceedingly high functioning, despite my chronic depression, anxiety, and suicidality. In between my stays at hospitals and laughing academies, or when say the love of my life dies (it’s happened twice) and am no so utterly depressed that I am almost comatose, drowning in my grief. Let’s see, I’ve been a model maker for Mattel, a ballet instructor, a carpenter building concrete bridges and overpasses, a prop builder for a university theater, an instrument maker, an installer of fine art at the west coast largest art museum, a musician, had the oportunity to travel to Europe several times (I wasn’t stupid enough go back that last time), and have seen 38 of the 50 states.
That’s what you can sprinkle all my attempts on top of.
At this point, I do have a third Beloved One (I didn’t want or need a relationship, love has been beyond FAR too painful, but it happened anyway). That’s why I’m TRYING to live for his sake, while I cannot but help taking the slow boat to death by smoking, drinking, and trying to ruin my health. (If I get a terminal illness then I can go to DIGNITAS in Switzerland, I can finally be granted the drugs to put an end to my life, painlessly.)
Do you have an account anywhere besides here ? Would like to chat and look at you.
Mentaloid,
I’m on a few suicide forums, but the best in my opinion is the Chronic Suicide Support Forum where I’m known as Eight Ball (a joke concerning my amazing streek of bad luck in life) http://www.chronicsuicidesupport.com/forum/index.php
You can send me a personal message there and I’d be happy to hear from you.
Cool that you had actually answered.