so tired

I have experienced frequent depression since I was about 13. At 22, I still can hardly see why being alive is worth the effort. I’m just so tired of trying, so tired of other people, so tired of this atrocious, toxic society. It’s so hard to be an empath in a world of people who couldn’t even dream of thinking of anyone but themselves. I feel so trapped and alone, even though there are such amazing people in my life. My boyfriend and I moved back to our hometown about a year ago, and everything just seems to be going downhill now. His kind but incredibly nosy and invasive mother wants to spend time with me constantly… and the stress from that alone is destroying me: I recently relapsed back into an eating disorder I thought I had been rid of for a couple of years, and I can feel my health deteriorating from this self abuse. I self-medicate with thc, due to extremely severe social anxiety and stress…which has contributed to me being unemployed for almost 3 years, and some financial debt that I can’t bring myself to burden someone else with. I smoke cigarettes constantly, simply because it comforts me to know that I am slicing tiny slivers away from my life with each one. I am just so frustrated every single day with my shitty coping mechanisms and other people’s unwillingness to allow others to live as they choose. I just cant be myself around so many people, I feel like I am in complete disconnect with my life. Why have we made surviving and existing SO HARD? I just can’t trick myself into believing that I want to live in a society like this. I either have to end it or run away, I just can’t do this anymore.