I’ve decided it. I’m going to die. I have a bottle of pills right here beside me. I just wanted to let somebody know. So that I wouldn’t be alone. Not more than I already am, anyway. I thought about posting on Facebook, but I wouldn’t want the two people who would actually see it to worry.
I suppose while I’m at it I might as well tell my story. Don’t worry, it won’t take very long. I’m 16 years old and female. My name is Lucy. I was born on April 18, 1998. To think at that moment in time I had no problems in life. It almost seems… foreign. Anyways, we lived in Eagle, a town in Colorado, until I was about 9. During this time period, I learned how much of an ass my father is, as well as my older sister, Helena (she’s 4 years older). Well, I suppose I should explain. I don’t remember much of what happened from the ages of 1-5 (which I suppose is somewhat normal), but when I was 6 I really started to notice that my sister was out to get me. Every day she’d find something to yell at me for, or some reason to hit me. And my asshole father just let her do it. For years. It still hasn’t stopped to this day; I think it’s the only reason she hasn’t moved out yet. And of course my mom couldn’t do anything about it. My dad wouldn’t let her. She had almost no say in anything that happened in our home. I’m not entirely sure, but I think he abused her sometimes. I’d see bruises every now and then that she couldn’t explain. She just told me “don’t worry about it.” She used that phrase a lot.Anyway (I’m getting off topic here), as you can imagine, the abuse from my sister only got worse as time went on, and it got to the point where she would yell at my mom the same way she did me. And, wouldn’t you know, my dad let her do it. To be completely honest, I despise calling him my “father”, because usually that means that he cares for the child, so I’ll just call him by his name, Eric.
When I was 10, we moved to Oregon. Seaside, specifically. I liked it there. The water was always very pretty and it took my mind off of my sister, among other things. Anyway, life pretty much went on in it’s same old fashion until I was 11. One day in June of 2009 (I don’t remember what day, exactly, I think it was earlier though), Helena decided to be extra bitchy for some reason. I don’t know what the hell her problem was, but she started yelling at me, but it was a lot harsher than I was used to. And it didn’t help that I was already in a bad mood because it was storming and I couldn’t go to the beach. So, I knew that I couldn’t just let her yell at me like that. I knew that nobody could get me out of that situation except for myself. Eric wouldn’t help, he’d just make it worse; and my mom couldn’t help, because Eric would just yell at her. So, I told my sister that she could go to hell and that I was tired of her yelling and hitting me. Oh my God, she was PISSED. She started punching me and kicking me. So, I did the only thing I could think to do: I punched her square in the nose. The first thing she did was go running off to Eric to tell him what I’d done. I started getting really nervous, because I knew that he wouldn’t listen to my defense, and what his prized daughter had done to me. I don’t remember everything that happened at that point, because of the shock of the next event. Basically, he told Helena to go downstairs and get an ice pack, and have Mom help. Then… well, he raped me. I’ll spare you the details, but… yea. It happened. It still haunts me to this day. It started to become a regular thing. Every week he’d make time to come and rape me. I just kinda started to get numb after a few months. He forced me to take birth control. He told me that he didn’t want “A piece of shit like you to get pregnant with my child.” He said that it would “Make a shitty grandchild.” I fell into depression, with the raping and the beatings from my sister. The depression still hasn’t stopped to this day. It continued for about 2 years. I felt like I couldn’t tell anybody, and that he’d do something worse if I told. I felt like a piece of trash. My only light was my mother, who was the only person in the world who actually cared about me, the only person who gave two shits when I was sad or scared. Probably because Eric treated her the same way.When I was 13, he finally stopped. Don’t know why, but I’m not going to question it, he stopped, and that’s what I’m thankful for.
Everything else in my life has kinda went in a blur for the past 3 years except for two events. First, Eric was finally arrested for drug abuse in the winter of 2012. That made my life a lot better, but still not amazing. He just got out though. And, finally, last month, (June of 2014), the worst possible thing that could have happened, happened. My mom died. My one solace in this world full of shit is dead, due to some fucking heartless drunk-driving scum. That’s pretty much the final straw. I’ve over the limit on what I can take. I’m going to either have to live with Eric or Helena if she decides to move out. Or both. This can’t happen. I’m not going through this shit again. I’m practically already gone. Well, that was it. My sad story.
I don’t really expect anyone to reply to this or, hell, even read the damn thing, but if it’s possible, if someone somewhere out there could just say something, it’d give me the light to travel through the darkness ahead. And please, don’t try to persuade me to not got through with it. I’ve made up my mind. Well, I suppose that’s it. I’ll be taking my pills now, if you don’t mind. And if anyone replies to this, thanks, because I probably won’t reply back. Goodbye everyone.
PS. Mom, I love you. See you in a few
63 comments
I would advise you strongly against the pill overdose method. In 99% of the cases it won’t be successful and the only thing you will achieve to do is damage your kidneys and liver and that will make your life even worse.
The main reason for such high percentage of failure by using this method is : When you overdose you will fall unconscious and you will unwillingly throw up all the pills that are inside your stomach. You will wake up with a bad headache and a puke next to you.
1st of all, I said I wouldn’t reply to anyone, but fuck it. Second, I don’t have access to anything else more efficient really. No guns or anything, and I don’t want to be in pain like with hanging myself or bleeding / cutting or drowning
Also, I’ve already taken some of the pills
Hey, I’m Gabriel, and I will give you a quick reason to why you shouldn’t feel overwhelmed with life and why saving yourself is the best thing for suicidal thoughts and feelings. You’re mother didn’t go out and kill herself, she wasn’t meant to pass so soon. You were obviously affected by this fault and I’d like to say it’s okay… Suicidal thoughts are actually normal, because without them, life is unreal. Every damn day, including myself, people find reason to live, even if it’s something so small, you barely realize it’s there. For example, if you love food, but hate life, then why would killing yourself be the thing to do..? You will never be able to eat those amazing tasty foods ever again. (That was just a simple example) I’d like to get to know you darling.
Message me on Kik okay? I’m not just here for you, but I took the time to follow through your understandings of why you wanted to leave this world so easily. Would you rather live in a box and do nothing, with only a few people realizing it, or would you rather make the best out of life. You must’ve had some sort of tendency to rely on people’s comments because you keep coming back, which is good. Life is always worth living, no matter what, especially since you’re a person like myself. except that I’m here and you’re there. This world can be cruel, but not even life should make you want to quit. I know you’re tougher than that. Kik: ” _Gabriel253″ If you decide, “Hey maybe it’s worth a shot, what do I have to lose.”
After reading your entire story I like to tell you that: if I were in your position I wouldn’t kill myself but PUNISH all the people who drove me to that suicidal state. That father deserves a punishment.
I don’t want to drop down to his level. I want to go out knowing that I did nothing wrong.
I am truly sorry to hear your heart breaking stories. you certainly have been through a lot at your age and that is not fair or you to be a vctim of abuse like that. I think you should run away from that whole envoronment and make a new life for yourself and also turn that guy in to the polie for raping you. there is help out there and you could move on from this and over come but f it is really your descision to die I hope that it is quick and panless and that you have peace afterward.
luv
Thanks a lot. It’s comments like this that make it feel better knowing death awaits
And I can’t just run away from the pain like that. You can only run for so long before your memories and the pain catch up to you…
Small Update: I’ve taken a lot of pills now. I lost track at 10. I’m starting to get cold sweats. I don’t know how many more I should take, but I suppose I should just keep doing it
Please don’t kill yourself. These bad times will pass and I’m sure that many wonderful things await you in your future life. This is just an extremely bad period of your life. Threw up those pills and make a new begining. Find a good nice young man and escape with him, maybe he will help you forget about your bad past. And maybe some day you will become a mom and children will change the way you think and perceive things.
This hurts me that I didn’t see this post tell now. I really didn’t read what you have posted but the part about taking pills truly hit me hard. I am sorry about how you feel and know just how you feel.
Martin: It’s too late. I’ve made up my mind. Nothing can change now.
That1guy: Thank you. Like I said to Uptown, stuff like this gives me courage to go forward.
Another update: My stomach is hurting now. I can’t take anymore. God knows how many I’ve taken now. I’m starting to get cold now. But there’s no turning back anymore
That’s what I thought but I made it through it and lived when really I shouldn’t have
I’m happy that you lived, you seem like a very kind person. But I hope the opposite for me… I just want to be released from it all
I understand and I am sorry. That’s how I felt last night and as of right now I don’t know how I really feel
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I hope that the rest of your life treats you well. Don’t worry about me, it’s what I want.
I understand. Like I was told last night is I hope you get peace in these final hours or minutes. And it goes easy and the way you wanted it to
I can’t say it enough, thank you. I don’t know if I feel peace or not, I’m not entirely sure, but I hope I do. I hope that you find peace with your life and your future.
Lucy… Honey, dear – you have had the toughest start on life I’ve ever heard about, which means it must only get better.. It can get better, there is so much beauty, joy, bliss, trust and humanity in this world – only you must find the courage to step out into it.. Reach out where your heart knows is right and save your beautiful self. In all cases, I wish you peace, in life, in death, in between, everwhere. Much much love.
Update 3: I’m starting to feel lightheaded. The pain hasn’t stopped. So much for being painless, haha. Some people don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.
On another note, the Pacific looks very beautiful today, at least in Oregon it does. I might try to prop myself up so that I can look out the window. If I could see anything when I die, it would be this.
[EDIT] And my mom. It would be amazing to see her again
You have to be crazy to live in that kind of world. I have problems of my own, but just by reading your story, i think i live in a fairy land, with some magical ponies and flowers.. Lucy, the next time you sit down on your chair to write your story, tell me more about yourself, i would realy realy like to know more. Don’t die for just a second, just for a moment. Please don’t leave this fucking world. Just. One. More. Moment.
Hi, Lucy! What’s the name of the pills you took?
If you want to know so you can take them, don’t. Keep living. It was asprin tho. I don’t recommend it, it does exactly what it’s supposed to cure, haha
If you go to the “other side” I wish all the best for you and may you finally be with your beloved mother. I wish all the best for you I really do.
thank you so mmuch
Update 4 (maybe final) – i’m in a lot of pain now. My handsare shaking like crazy and i can barely think straight. It’s all ok though. the ocean is really pretty today and my music is really nice. and i can finally see mom again
thank you everyone so much for everything. have good lives. if you believe in heaven then ill see yiu there hopefully
Aspirin will kill your liver so it’s not going to be painless at all. You have something like 12 hours before it does lethal damage, and after that it might even be a couple of days before you die due to liver failure… so if you still feel like backing out you are still in time to do so, if not i really wish you find the peace you are looking for and that it’s not too painful for you…. i overdosed on paracetamol once (pretty similar to what you are doing, but i was found in pain and people took me to the hospital) and it’s not nice at all.
Lucy, I’m sorry that you’re trying kill yourself because of your stupid sister’s behaviour but this can’t be the only answer, you’re getting to a point in your life to start to think about being independent, why end it now and the type of pills is important in an overdose aspirin does take time as M says so time to think about your situation and your future beyond your sister and fathers influence and get medical help to prevent any damage to yourself, please think carefully about this. If not I hope you won’t suffer to reach peace.
Inb4 activated charcoal.
That same Aspirin saved a relative of mine the other night, why use a blood thinner to off yourself with? What’s it like, a 2% mortality rate with an acute OD? Look, I read your reasons why you’ve come to this decision and trust when I say I’m truly sickened by what you’ve had to endure (you have my condolences for the loss of your Mum). Hell, I think I’d be in the same place as you if our stories were exactly the same.
Whatever happens, I hope you find the peace that you seek. I’m sorry we couldn’t be of more assistance to you.
I love Lucy <3
Statistically, pills/booze RARELY EVER does the job. Got to have a little more balls. But you’re too young. At least make it to 25 when you’ll realize that life REALLY sucks. I was teenage depressed. The real stuff comes when you get older. Trust me.
just another reason to get it over with now
You had a mom that loved you. (Your words). Lots of us never even had that….. (Myself)
i’m sorry
thanks everyone. yea it was probably a stupif decision to use asprin but fuck it . can’t go back now. i just feel really cold. most everythingelse is pretty much numb at this point, so it’s okay. the music and th ewater is calming me like it always does. my onr true friend to the end, haha. and killswitchon, thanks, even though i assume that’s referencing the tv show. screw it, i’m not picky haha, and nice picture. final fantasy is cool
You can change the outcome, it will take time for aspirin to act out if it even will, a lot of time to ponder your long term future and plenty of time to get help, to talk to people.
To mom-
i’m sorry you had to go out like that. and i’m sorry that i’m not going out the best way either. it wasn’t your fualt it was theirs. i’m writing this in the chance that i don’t go to heaven wih you. i loved you so much. i’ve never loved anything more in my life. i’m sorry about all of the times i may have gotten mad at you. i just needed a release. i never meant it. i hope i’ll see you again but i might not so if i don’t just know that i love you so much
-lucy
Lucy,
hi my names strife. cloud strife, nice to meet you. *pulls out giant sword and starts hacking away at your demons laying waste to them one by one. this is most definitely not our mutual final fantasy to see you vanish. Sephiroth may have temporarily gained the upper hand but he shall not win the war. Stay strong and carry on. If you ever need protection again call my name and I shall venture and vanquish in haste in your name.
haha thanks cloud. i won’t be needing your services though thanks for offering.
oh my god it hurts a lot now. damn it, why did it have to fucking be like this. why the fuck did i have to have a rapist father, a abusive sister. and most of all why the fuck did my one light have to fade out. why me. god why me.
maybe i should throw it all up and try again with a different pill
I would say that’s probably a good idea, aspirin is not a good choice to use as it’s not at all certain it’ll work but can have some detrimental effects, is there anyone who you can contact.
ok i might try. it’s just getting really hard to move. i can’t talk to anyone besides my dad and sister, that would make it worse. maybe i should just steal his car and go wreck it
If you can get help it can be for the overdose and also help for your present circumstances, look at this attempt as a turning point, at 16 you shouldn’t be putting up with the shit you are at the moment. People care about you.
i’ll think about it… from what ive read i still have a while to think about it… even though it doesnt feel like i ave very long
I hate life too, I haven’t endured what you have though and I’m so sorry for you but commiting suicide is hard and you didn’t want pain, we are here for you I’m in UK a long way away but I hope you’ll be OK, I don’t want you to die but just to get the peace of mind you deserve in one way or another, hopefully through talking to someone who can help you.
i don’t think i can live on. but thank you anyway
there’s doubt there, you want things to be right for you as anyone would, any problem can be worked out even the shit you’re suffering, there is plenty of time, you might survive this giving rates for aspirin overdose so you want to be in good health regarding your organs, afterwards you can talk about your situation however if you are determined then I wish you peace but I’ll be here for a while as will others, keep in contact if you can.
Just to say at sixteen your body will have a strong way of healing itself after an overdose, you have a life ahead of you, sleep tight and dream of your mother, hope you’ll be ok, but be in peace Lucy.
‘i hurt myself today, to see if i still feel. i focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real.”
NIN hurt. “what I have I become, my sweetest friend? everyone I know goes away in the end. ” all method acting aside I think just from reading those lyrics I kno for a fact you’re cool and deserve to stay alive. we can’t lose someone with impeccable taste in moozic (:
thanks. i appreciate it. maybe i should just quit while i still can. i don’t really know anymore
damnnn Lucy I just read your story. I’m sorry. that’s horrible. I understand now. well I won’t try to dissuade you anymore but aspirin aint guna do much other than make you sick. wow, ur story is haunting. I know that deep hopeless abyss you’re in now though. I’m right there too. shit. well I wish you peace in whatever you choose my young friend.
don’t be sorry. like my mom always said, don’t worry about it. thank you so much.
i’m really tired. is that normal?
Hi, Lucy.
On the off-chance you’re still reading here, I want to chime in a little too.
That stuff with your sister? I know lots of people might chalk that up to sibling rivalry/ just something that happens between siblings. I know, though, that sometimes it crosses a line that others might discount. It’s called sibling abuse and it is very real. Its as real as the sexual abuse from your father and the domestic abuse you suspect your mother endured. If you stick around and need someone to talk to about that, I’m willing. I think they say that you can see my e-mail address if I reply to your posts. Reach out. Can’t hurt, can it?
Aspirin is more likely to take out your kidneys than your liver (I used to need such knowledge for work). Neither is very nice, though, so I suppose it doesn’t matter.
How are you dealing with the loss of your Mom? Is anyone helping you absorb that blow in a healthy way?
I’m sorry you’re going through all this so young.
i think i’m going to go to sleep now. thank you all so much, from the bottom of my heart. thank you especially to that1guy94, nias, and killswitchon for talking with me until the end. thank you. i’ll never forget you all. i’m so sorry if i caused any of you grief. it wasn’t my intention. i never wanted it to be this way. thank you all so much
lots of love, lucy
it was an honor to know you Lucy. my pleasure seriously. if this doesn’t go as planned and you end up ok–come back n let us know girl. you have friends n ppl who understand here. (: get some rest.
And if you do make it just remember there is a reason for that. And stay strong no matter what. And I am glad we where there to help you
I’m alive.
And I feel free.
Goddamn it, I’ve never felt so free.
I’m going to post another update on a new thread. Please hold your questions until then.
I am so glad to know you fine! I never post a comment before, but I read your story and follow the conversation and wow. I am so sorry for you and I was so sad to know that you might never come back. I just want you to know (even if i think you already know) that yes, your past might be dark, but there are people, that not even know you, that love you and care about you and are ready to help you and carry you in your problems. So just think about it: you still have reason to live and to make some good thing in life. Thank you to be there to make me realise that life is not that easy and I am so glad to know that you are feeling free. Go live your life as you never did it before
Tilbo Gabson
P.S.: Sorry for the English errors and the synthax errors. I am a Quebecker so my English is not very good. I express myself so much better in french.