A smoke for the thoughts

Humans are very bad at making decisions. And I’m no exception. Even though I haven’t decided weather or not I will go for the big and final exit or not, I’m already on my way. Unconsciously, I’ve already started to wither. Smoking is obviously bad and sometimes I wonder if I’m going to get lung-cancer one day. The lung-cancer part doesn’t scare me – but the fact that I couldn’t care less, really freaks me out.

That’s one of me biggest problems now days; I simply don’t care. I don’t care if won’t graduate, I don’t care if my pets gonna die and I don’t care if I get sick or die. I guess you can say that I’ve lost hope. My mother asked me the other day: “Do you know what happiness feels like?”. My answer was of course ‘no’, and she said, that she wasn’t surprised. Is it really that obvious?

I’m 16 and my biggest challenge in life, is myself; I simply eat too much. My weight is currently 88 kilo, which is a lot, considering I’m only 160 cm tall/short. So yes, I’m per definition fat.

As I sit here on me porch, inhaling the deadly, addicting smoke, I think about what it would be like to be slim. Not just looking in the mirror without crying, but to experiences the feeling of being light and free.

I’ve tried all sorts of things; vomiting, not eating, only eating salad, changing food with water and so on. Of course I also exercise, but I always seem to find a way back to the old pattern. All of this is of course very hard to handle for me, but the worst part is, that sometimes I look in the mirror and I think ‘Hey, you have a great tan, big boobs and great ass’ and I feel a little bit more confident. But as soon as I’m out of my door, that little bit of confidence I had, disappears  within seconds. No body looks at me, the way I look at them. It’s like I’m constantly at a party, surrounded by pretty girls, suffocating from the pressures of the guys, trying to get past me, to the tall girl, with the slim waist and long tanned legs, across the room.

I’m sick and tired of being treated as if I’m nothing. As if even considering that I’m a young girl, with the same desires, dreams and hopes as everybody else, only would be at thing that could happen in the parallel universe. I’m tired of being judge by the fact, that I’m a little weaker than other people, because I can’t resist food.  I’m tired of being the friend. I’m tired of waking every morning, suddenly panicking, because I realize that I dons’t matter what clothes I’ll wear, because nobody will look at me anyway. I’m just tired. As I said before: I’m withering. There’s not even a black and white world anymore – everything’s just grey. I fell nothing. I wouldn’t let myself feel anything if I could, cause the small things that used to make me smile, now make me turn around and try to avoid mirror and windows, as I walk home – alone again.

When I was younger, I used to want to be different and special. Now I just want to be like everybody else.

“Mirror Mirror On The Wall, I Just Want To Be Thin, Pretty and Tall”.