BROKEN DOWN

growing up in this house has been very difficult for as long as i can remember. prior to that, though ive been told its not possible (by my perfect controlling mother) i remember sitting on the couch at just about 2 yrs old watching my mother and father sitting at the dining table arguing, then he ripping his gold necklace from around his neck and sliding it across table to my mother, a gift from her. then storming out and taking off in his brown camaro. i dont remember very much whatsoever of the next 6 yrs at all. as if i skipped right over the, erased from my memory. in  1989 we moved to a much better city with the man she had left my dad for, and they were getting married, his son, and all his family hated me and treated my in a way i wouldnt wish upon my enemies. I remember at about 7 yrs old, getting yelled at for asking to have a blanket while trying to fall asleep on the couch  at MY NEW GRANDMOTHERS house. when i called my mom to pick me up cause i didnt like it there, cause grandma was mean to me, i was made out to be a liar, and ignored all together. goin to my Step cousins house was far more fun, with my Step brother and 3 step cousins to team up on the young chubby new step family member. it was hell.  and then there was dads….

he got the every other weekend thing, living with a his gf who was pregnant when they met, and had a older daughter, it was nothing i want in my memory banks, i blocked most of it out, minus the stealing of spending cash i was given from my mom by his gf, or her daughter, or my clothes, and of course there was the teasing and the occasional cup of water poured on me while sleeping for no reason, yeah bout 8 yrs old then. of course that was only when i did actually see him, you know, the times i wasnt sitting on the porch for hours upon end waiting for him to show up as promised… the 4 days a month id see him, or my birthday or something, nothing really important for an 8 yr old. anyhow, i was just his blood son, not  his gf’s son or something , thats understandable and reason right?!…

anyhow, things at “home” were much better at least… my sister (mom and step dads) was pretty much the center of life there, my half brother i guess had already said screw it and was doin his own at that point. i got really into ice hockey, played club hockey for most of  my life, “dad” would take me to practices and games, most of time he was there. jumping through the details, outta the 10 yrs or so of games and practices i had.. my “dad” went until i could drive myself. literally until the day i got my license. mom, 1 game 1 practice, sister, 1 game, blood father, almost 1 game, cause i offered to pick him and his other “son” up and buy them lunch, i was 16. but i got lost on way and never made the game. i tried at least right. on the other hand, my sister was in gymnastics for about 17 yrs. total practices and competitions missed from the parents=0. schooling, i went to a Cal State, didnt finish, my own fault, but then followed a passion and enrolled in Le Cordon Bleu, graduating Magna Cum Laude 4.3 GPA .. that was nice i guess. they did uhh… they uhh .. were happy. i guess not as happy as when my sister graduated from school, cause they had the backyard re-landscaped, adding river rock stamped concrete, stripping pool and having it pebbleteched and a salt water system put in, then a party of over a 100… guess i shoulda tried harder.

im not bitter, just realized i obviously wasnt worth it. there’s other crap that i could whine about, but i figure ..it doesnt really matter, im just whining all together anyhow, right? so anyhow, …the thoughts..

the suicidal thoughts really started coming on strong about 15 yrs old… the cutting, self infliction of pain, etc. no one knew, i tried to talk to them about my pain, and sadness, what i felt was causing it, but i was… “being ridiculous and we are all  treated the same.. are you kidding me?!!! after years of making the pointless attempts, and being told it was all me, i was making it up, and it was my fault, i stopped trying to reach out. why bother opening up.. yeah it may have affected about.. all of my relationships since then, therapy (i put myself in, adn paid for myself)kinda helped, but by that time i believe the damage was pretty much done, and the $150 sessions were kinda pricey for  a 25 yr old. i cant say my life has been horrible, all in all its been pretty decent, just i can say about 90% of the good memories, were with me traveling alone, or time with friends, not with any of my blood family. it is what it is right?!

moving right along, so i found a great way to stay motivated, to get back the energy to do anything, to focus (oddly enough) and have drive to, well get up adn live, i found a great drug. funny enough it def helps me be more patient with them, gives me drive to get outta bed and get through a day, and all in all , makes me feel good and happy. but even that has its breaking point. this one was an accumulation, over 6 months, and finally topped by finding out the family vacation was taking place in 2 days for a week to the condo in puerto vallarta i had never been to. sister, her bf, mom and dad. they left early one morning, found out they had left when i woke at 6 am and found house empty. hahah, found out they were leaving the couple days prior from a non family member. anyhow, its all the same. i only feel left out cause i obviously do it to myself.. since as long as i can remember apparently. so i have been doin a little research tonight. started out looking into ADHD, then depression, then got right to the point. easiest way to painlessly end it all.. ********. so i guess i just needed to ***** to anyone who would listen, at my sob story. not to be pitied, or even cared more or less about.. just to kill some time as i sit in my ro0om alone while they live their lives happily on without me…as usual.. and soon forever.

ok thats enough of my useless pathetic selfish whining.

bye bye.