Hello,
I am a 30 year guy who had been battling depression and self hatred for many years. As the years have passed I have to work even harder to mask my pain. I may have a college degree but I have been out of work for almost two years, have almost no genuine interest and continue to isolate myself. Oh, I also still live at home and have hate myself for not seeing the necessary steps to venture out on my own. I have no real desire to be in a relationship and find myself retreating when my anxiety levels increase or if no creative thoughts spring up. I write when inspired, yet such an outlet can only get you so far. I do not realize what skills if any I have and I’m tired of nightmarish dreams, and constant self doubt. I love my family and friends, yet fully divulging into what is bothering me is exhausting. In the end I’m afraid I may attempt to end it in a fit of anguish. If any responses to this, let it be known that I’m an agnostic. If your have a strong faith in a higher power, I am happy for you. In my case there will always been questions left to answer. Life isn’t easy and I know that. I’m just tired of feeling trapped and such. I have tried various medications and they do not seem to help. Heck, I have often wished to disappear but I’m afraid of hurting the people in my life that mean so much to me. I guess I’ll leave it at that for now.
6 comments
Hi, Musicfan. A lot of what you wrote I relate to. Like you, I no longer have much motivation to do anything. Since graduating from college I’ve been working long hours at manual labor in an isolated environment because I can work and survive almost without thinking. I’m on my own, man, and don’t know why this is supposed to be such a great thing. I’m 24, single, have no family (OK, an estranged brother), and live on more than 300 acres by myself. I get up at 3:45AM, have breakfast in a dark kitchen, head out to the fields to work, come in for a quick lunch, then work again ’til it’s dark, usually around 9PM, then sit and read or surf the Net, then go to sleep. Alone.
Can you tell me what the purpose of such a life is? I mean that question. To me all life seems to be a distraction: sports, academics, religion, philosophy, entertainment, corporate responsibilities–they all distract us from the inevitability of our own deaths, and the likely meaninglessness of existence. Entire species go extinct every year. What makes us humans think our lives have any special meaning or purpose? I think the answer to that is either arrogance or fear, or maybe both. I’m not saying I have any answers, man, but I do relate to people like you. I wish no living thing that feels had to hurt, and so I’m sorry about your depression and anxiety–really. But those mental states at least have contributed to insistent questioning of the archaic human myths about meaning and purpose.
Why the hell can’t life just be a process, and have no meaning or purpose, so that we’d just understand “purpose” and “meaning” to be fantasies an individual imposes on life? And if that were the case, then why must any of us do anything? Why isn’t it enough that, once born, the only “have to” is to die? Then the time between the two could be spent doing whatever the hell we want–listening to music, planting gardens, playing soccer… Why the hell do we have to live the kinds of life the people in charge (and the rest of the sheeple) tell us we must? Why isn’t it enough just to be, until either something kills us or we take ourselves out of the game?
Hi iamzero,
I wish I knew such answers. I’m forever grateful for what I have, yet it pains me that I have been confined by fear and what not. Yet, probably all we can hope for is that we find peace and happiness.
Music, ditto that–hoping for peace and happiness. I’m open to more exchange if you are, man.
cant die, not yet.
Nicely said iamzero!! You rocked those words dude. Thanks
Thanks, Randall. I had a buddy in school by the name of Randall. Really open kid, always with something nice to say. Maybe there’s a correlation with the name.