Since 2002, I have been making the same mistake again and again. What is permanent is the despair and the gradual loss of confidence till the point that I’m scared of interacting with my boss and colleagues fearing I’m wrong and stupid and can’t do much.
It all started with a marriage which lasted for 3 months. We got married after going around for almost 5 years. and the reason given was as stupid as-” You don’t earn enuf and can’t and will not be able to take care of me”. Of course I was not earning well that time, much lesser than my partner, I had no option but to accept what was thrown at me. We divorced! At the last day in the court she declares I’ a complete loser. I do not react.
Keeping bygones as bygones, I thot it would be easy to cope with it, but something inside had gone terribly wrong. No idea what. I got involved with a girl, it was more for the physical needs than any emotional needs. But guilt got the better half of me, and I got married to this girl knowing very well that we do not get along at all. The relation turned sour and finally became a very abusive relation. Of course it was right to separate. Proven again that I’am a loser.
All this while my professional front is going ok. I get promoted, 50% on my skills 50% with some help from friends. I get married again, as I did not want to die alone, and this is my biggest fear. I wished to settle down in life get a good life, but so does not seem to be the case. I have been always pulled up for the two divorces in my life, even after explaining my life’s background I have been blamed for wrong doing by marrying. It was a mutual decision to adopt a child, but one fine day I was called impotent as I did not even wish to get a potency test done. HAd this not being enough, I was blamed for squandering my father in laws money, which I never got hands on. life carried on, and the topping on the cake I lost my job in 2012, and life for me has come crumbling down. The last edifice to hold me, collapsed. Now I work in organisation which pays me 48% less, disrespectful workplace and something which I dread to go to. I think I’m a loser.
I have reached a point where I do not feel anything good will happen of my life. I’am sort of sure it will not. I can’t keep anyone happy nor can I keep myself happy. life is finished on all fronts, professionally, financially, socially and emotionally. Why live?
1 comment
I understand your situation and being frustrated. Lots of people are. But you still can pull your life together. I dont know what kind of work you do but have you dont internet searches for jobs in different areas. You can always relocate. I have relocated for beter job opportunities and I have also relocated at times just to get a fresh start and away from environments that were not good for me. Give your self fresh start. Your not a loser. You just have made some mistakes and all people make mistakes. Dont be so hard on yourself. As for the marrage thing. I never married in life and probably wont until im older because I have found most people who get married have about 2 or 3 good years in the marrage then they want a divorce. I prefer to be single and just date, not be tied down legally
but anyway I hope that things work out for you. Give yourself a fresh start > forget the past and move forward. You might want to seek a counselor or psychiatrist you could see that can help you out.