I’ve always been independent. Independent and mature, people called me. Even when I was a little girl. And I’ve always been the type of person that likes to be alone a lot of the time. I’m tough, I’m strong, and I stand alone. I don’t think about love very often. I don’t want a relationship or to get married; at least not now. I’m eighteen years old; I’m just a baby, people tell me. And that never made sense to me. Wasn’t I the “mature” one? But it all makes sense when it comes down to those moments when everything is dark, both outside my window and inside my head. Those moments where I decide I want to leave existence. I’m no longer strong and tough. And I’m no longer independent and mature. But I still stand alone. And that is the most frightening thing of all, because in that defining moment where I say “I have to die”, I become the little girl I never was. I just want somebody to hold my hand– anyone, and come with me to wherever it is death takes us. I just don’t want to be alone when I do what I have to do. And so I cry like a child. Standing alone.
I think I just wanted someone to hear me. I feel like lately no one in my life can hear me, like I’m disappearing, or maybe they’re the ones disappearing.
It just gives me some sort of comfort to know that someone out there knows that in this very moment, I’m hurting. And that very soon, I will be gone.
7 comments
Well you may be mature for your age > but 18 is young. Im a few years past 40 and I have people tell me that I am still young. I look much younger then my age. But I want you to start to think and believe that this is just a little rough time in your life currently and that you are going to get past it and live a good life. We all go through ups and downs in life. My childhood was all abuse and neglect and problems but I never thought of suicide as the answer. I figured life would get better someday and it did. But you have to make it better. One thing you always have in life is CHOICES. You can look for help, you can change your environment. You can reach out for help or find friends to help you along. You can find hapiness give it a try.
Try to find a couple positive people to be around > sounds to me like you might spend too much tine alone then your head starts to dwell on the negative try to find a few people that are positive to hang out with > perhaps some people who are older that can help you and give you some good advice.
good luck.
you can email me if you want to chat
jrock7766@hushmail.com
Unfortunately, reaching out and trying to change things for the better is all I ever used to do, yet here I am. I think people just got tired of it. People have forgotten me. Now, I help them, and then they forget me. People all leave eventually.
It means a lot that you’ve actually read this and taken the time and energy to respond. It means so much more than you know. I have so much love for you just due to that.
I hear you. I get you. I’m 27 but I’ve been alone my whole life. I always had to make due with just me and doing everything for me. So when I’m out and about it’s just me and my headphones.
I hope it somehow relieves a bit of pain knowing that somebody out there does know you’re hurting because they did see your message. I’m hurting too. I feel the same as you. I guess we’re together in being alone, in a weird way. You’re not alone right now. Even just through this text, I got you.
That makes me feel a lot better. I’ll always think of you from now on when I’m feeling like this. Because it makes me feel a lot less alone.
That’s good to hear! I hope you can continue to feel better. It’s the times that you aren’t feeling strong that make you stronger. When you’re not feeling strong come back to this post to see that You’re not alone. 🙂
Yes, unheard.Disappearing…becoming a ghost. I have felt very thin and transparent,and then invisible at certain times in my life. But in your post,I could feel that you were proud and strong when you were younger.Mature. You liked very much for others to note your independent and self sufficiency. It was your identity-even if it was not the entire truth.. This identity betrayed you, because it kept you at arms length from those who would have been your support. The child-all children-needed love and support.Your self reliance is now your prison. You need connection,my dear. Most people do,so please dont be insulted when I say that. Its OK to need people.If you wait to have meaningful human contact until youre checking out…well then you didnt even try. I don’t judge or look down in any way on you or anyone who chooses to die-it is your right to anytime you see fit. Im just saying…you cry because you’re in pain from deprivation of your spirit..theres a need to connect within you that is starved and dehydrated at this point,therefore you are in the throes of spiritual sickness . Try to let someone in. Look for someone if theres no one in your family, or in acquaintances youve made. Youre starved and lonely. Its not too late S.Dolls. I sense beauty and intelligence in you. I know what it is to be in the darkness . It isnt the end of light,though.Theres light to be had,and theres a spark inside you,still. Feed the fire….keep writing here-let it out. Talk to us and try to listen,too. if you must die,though,I wish you painless passage.I wish you peace.
You’ve made my whole day, I just want you to know that. You’ve brought some clarity back into me, at least for now. And that’s something very important.