I was abused as a child. I can’t remember so many things! I have so many empty spots in my memory that I can’t deal with! I began self harming in elementary school. I haven’t been clean for longer than two weeks since. I want to die so badly! I can’t deal with the pressure from my family, the disappointment in their eyes when they look at me, knowing how much more disappointed they’d be if they found out I’m not as straight as they think. I am everything they hate. I can’t do anything right in their eyes, yet they expect so much from me! I can’t live with myself anymore. I want to die but I don’t want to become more of a disappointment then I already am. Is there anyone else out there like me? I want to know what exactly happened to me. I want to stop the self harm. I don’t want to think about suicide every damn day of my life anymore! Either it stops or my heart does and I don’t know how to do either without being the worst in my family. The one who wasn’t strong enough. The one who collapsed. The one who failed. I don’t want to fail anymore
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Being the perfect golden child is overrated,dear. Its not fun or interesting to perform like a robot to get some insincere approval..I kno what youre feeling,I was the black sheep of my family and yes-disappointing your parents can be one of the worst feelings..but I have to say this:What sort of love is it,really ,to only give approval and encouragement when youre performing perfectly,and like…doin everything they think you should? Its conditional love,which is bullshit coming from a parent. The unrelenting correction and lectures on being better-my kids father operates like this and its fucked up.And my kids see it so clearly .Its not right to be nice or assholish based on academic excellence..ugh-okay anyway – You can find a way to make better choices. You can get 2 weeks at a time,right? Well,good.I feel like you need a counselor who can keep your discussions in confidence. I dont want to encourage you to bring even more contention to the relationship you hav with them,but frankly, you dont owe them perfection and a squeaky clean body and soul. You are struggling to live-to stay alive,for godsake- from the pressure they’re applying to you. I feel that you might have to tell them theyre making you sick and require less condemnation/more support.The abuse you sustained as a child-it probably has everything in the world to do with your despair. I think you should ask em to get you a psychologist or counselor,and start unraveling the mystery. The mind blocks when the truth is deeply disturbing-its a survival technique.You must be careful . Theres things to live for,though. You will be leaving this home and making a life for yourself in the not so distant future-things can change dramatically.What are the qualities you LIKE about yourself? You need to remind yourself of these good things inside you…
I want to see someone about it but the thing is, my family doesn’t have a lot of money. I’m looking for a job right now so that they don’t have to spend any money on me. I’ve tried talking to people but every time I do it just backfires and I get betrayed. So many times I have told the story of how my cat scratched me, how the dogs got rough when we were playing the night before, how I tripped on a run, how I fell playing tag with my little sisters. I look at my parents and I see that they can’t look at me the same as they used to when I was little. One time I walked into the TV room at my grandmothers house to see Him on one of my younger sisters. I stood there and did nothing. I did’t move, didn’t yell. I did nothing. I shared this with a court appointed therapist and she told my Mum. She hasn’t looked at me the same since. I was supposed to protect her. She was supposed to be kept away from everything. I let him touch her. That is what I see every time I look into my mums eyes. She hates me for it. I failed when I was five. I haven’t been able to make her proud since the day she found out. By the way I like that quote.
The most loving parents commit murder with a smile on their face
They force us to destroy the person we really are ;a subtle kind of murder
Jim Morrison
Yeah I’m like you, I’m an addict who needs drugs like water. I was abused as a young woman for around four months sexually assaulted by my brothers friend in violent ways. And he even tortured me as well. I started self harming at 13 and then when I found drugs and alcohol I stopped I harmed myself with them. My abuse wrecked my life and my family well I went from a high achiever to a extremely low achiever. I’ve been clean before for years then relapsed. I’ve struggled with sucidal thoughts on and off for years. One thing I’ve really struggled with was the loss of time and grief. I got myself into abusive relationships a number of times and that’s a direct result of being assaulted. So I’ve re assaulted myself to a degree by keeping on attracting abusive partners. I wish this hadn’t been my story I wish that I had a loving god that no harm had come to me . It’s just awful living as an abuse survivor. I’ve done a lot of therapy and nothing takes that pain away. I feel like my abuse was very surreal and that it’s like how could that have happened to me,how did I survive and that’s why they call us survivors cause its really an amazing thing that we are still alive at all. I feel for you and I know what its like ! And if only I could turn back the clock and change those paths I’ve chosen. Cause someone abused me so I then abuse myself be it with drugs, alcohol , abusive people , self hatred I will find a way to reenact what was done to me.
I would probably do drugs if I wasn’t so goddamn scared it would cause a run in with one of my past abusers. I abuse myself as well with the cutting. It is surprising we are alive at all. Statistically I should be dead or should die before 25. I started self harming in elementary. I hate it but love it at the same time.