Most days I want to end it. I don’t have a plan. I don’t dwell on a way out. I just want it all to end.
When I was 12 (I’m 30 now) I first thought about suicide. It seemed romantic. Maybe I’d come back as a ghost – if a somehow fashioned a guillotine then I’d haunt my house like Marie Antoinette. Maybe I’d get to meet god, the real god. As irrational as it sounds, I was curious about death – what was it like on the other side? IS there an other side? That being said, I was also looking for a way out. I had a sheltered childhood (my parents no doubt see it differently) and I was expected to be a ‘good girl’. I felt that I was scolded and chided frequently, and if I had a problem with it, I was being ‘foolish’. My parents would try to bond with/support me, but only the ideal me. The me they liked and that fit with their idea of a good daughter – confirming that they were good parents. Ugh. So, if I was sad? Smile! Be happy! If I had a problem, they would try to fix it! Good intentions, but I still begrudge them.
I tried to kill myself seriously when I was 13. I thought I had no more reason to live. I had developed an online relationship and thought it was legit. We chatted as if we were in love and meant to world to each other, but when I stumbled upon him chatting in the same was with another chicka (presumably, ya know, who’s really behind that screen name anyway?) I was like, “Well fuck this shit! I was thinking about killing myself before, now I really want to end it!”
Since then, I’ve been trying to “fix” myself and gain “control” of my emotions and my life. I’ve been trying to live but still have feelings of deep despair, loneliness, and disconnection with the rest of the world. It’s a struggle. I feel inadequate and fear that no one will ever truly love me for me, because part of my psyche is entrenched in sorrow. To get through day-to-day life, I pretend to be happy, and sometimes I am. But when I get home, at the end of the day, I cry. I wish I was someone else. I wish life was different. I wish my whole past could be erased. I wish my thoughts were less critical (of myself and others) and I feel angry (lots of different reasons) and ‘wrong’ for thinking so damn much.
I have put some energy into therapy, into journaling, into identifying negative self-talk… etc… which is O.K. but I’ve noticed the majority of people in my life aren’t really, ehm, interested in this. Why would they be? So, I’ve got all this wonderful self knowledge and insight, but no one cares. What’s the point? Etc. I pendulum between telling myself that the nihilistic perspective is liberating, or telling myself that it is, well, nihilistic and hell bent on destruction. I’d love to be able to make my mind up. I’d love to just choose life. Which maybe I have… after all, I’m still here… it would be nice though if my life didn’t include mountains of self-doubt, low self-esteem, and the devaluation of all things. Yep. That would be nice. =/
11 comments
Hi! I think you are very beautiful, smart, good girl. Do not torture yourself with bad thoughts.
you are not alone.
it is actually already quite well-known (surprisingly..) that most smart/intelligent & most creative people are the ones who are usually suffered/depressed a lot, & hence also feeling suicidal. because (sadly/unfortunately), the majority of humans’ population are shallow, superficial, ignorant, selfish, egocentric, uncreative, dull, boring, robotic, and/or stupid.
google: INFP , MBTI Personality Type (try google “MBTI test online” and fill that one…you might be surprised to finally find out (the result) that you are *not* alone..), Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), The Emphatic Type person, Indigo, Starseeds .
just today, a good, funny, smart, & creative figure/person Robin Williams has died.
and here’s one of my favorite quotes of him, which is quite deep & I feel so true.. :
“I used to think the worst thing in life is to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.”
this world, this ” reality / real life / real world ” is boring, dull, very LIMITED, harsh, cruel, stupid place to live. if God does exist (or if God is real / if God really exists), then He/She/It must have play such a cruel JOKE for putting “deep” people like us in this hellish “reality” world / society / humanity .. !!
@niki-I will never get why people blame god for this hellish,cruel, wretched ,hateful race of humans we are part of.This world is a horrible place because WE made it horrible.It blows my mind how desperate people are for a scapegoat with which they can avoid or distance themselves from the responsibility of humankinds crimes and abuses and destruction.Goddamn you,God! The quote you posted of his…is very profound and very true.Its frustrating and sad to be unheard,but far worse to be misunderstood,I think.So alone. It just hurts and the awareness of it never goes away for long. Eventually not at all.Its painful to be in a family where you feel like an annoying presence,and youre trying to connect,but youre just too fucking much for them. It fucking hurts. I have an impulse to flee my home on a regular basis.just go and dont look back.Do drugs till I die of them .@vitaminwater-i identify with you.I too have a bank of interesting introspective information (also ive got a shit ton of completely useless info on tap at all times) that frankly doesnt help me much..being insightful and intelligent and (in my case) very witty 🙂 is NOT as great as its supposed to be. Ive managed to convert it into a formula for repelling those whom I want to draw closer to. Im probably turning into a ghost..ive tried to stop talking out loud -its hard.I still keep trying though, because It hurts so acutely to try to connect and to be unacknowledged,or worse : patronized …marginalized.I go back/forth between needing to communicate things to another human and then feeling like withdrawing inside myself and just stopping all communication. Extremes. I feel like you have a good shot at finding a way to be happier,because you express yourself in a way thats not manic or repellent. A support group or group therapy of some sort ,perhaps,could give you a forum in which you could discuss and openly share your feelings and doubts.You could connect with others,and likely make new friends and relationships with those who share similar issues.
Thanks misanthrope. I have some of the extreme moments too. Sometimes I’ll ramble – it’s something that I think ‘normal’ people joke about when they refer to ‘talking at’ someone. I hate that it’s referred to ‘talking at’, although I can understand why it seems that way, but it’s in those moments that I’m rambling I feel excited, enthused, and like I’m ‘connecting’. *sigh* At least, I’m trying to. Unfortunately, it’s alienating. Maybe. Could be the other person just doesn’t share my passion/good mood. Being patronized, though, that hurts. I would communicate with an ex boyfriend that I was feeling sad just by saying, “I’m sad.” and he would come back with. “I’m sorry you’re sad.” in a tone that one would use when talking to a child – but I’m not sure I would even talk to a child in that tone! It’s that patronizing tone that tries (but fails) to empathize by mocking the emotional state of being sad and says to me, “I’m sorry you’re sad, but I’m not comfortable admitting that outright, or I just don’t know what it feels like to be sad, and so I will have to condescend.” I hate the divide that seems to exist between happy/sad people. People who have been depressed, and those who haven’t. I’m not even sure that there really is a person who has NEVER been depressed. But I’ve heard, “Wow, I know I feel bad sometimes, but never LIKE THAT, it must be really shitty.” and I just want to scream! *rant* I don’t care that you haven’t ever felt that way!
Niki, agreed on the cruel joke – sadistic god indeed.
I understand what you’re doing in trying to fix yourself. I’ve been doing the same. The list of modalities is pretty impressive, but the latest practice I’ve been doing is Zen Meditation. 9 years. With Zen you don’t try to fix anything. There is no “self” to fix. Self is just an illusion of the mind. Pretty funny when you realize this. So, sitting in meditation and not to fix, adjust, manipulate, control anything. Just observe. I’ve noticed subtle changes in my perception of this world. I still want to jump off cliff, but it’s not so strong when I ask myself, “who is this “me” that wants to jump?” Ahh…hmm…
Haha, thanks Randall. I like this Zen approach… at least, what I think is “I” likes it 🙂
Though I’ve never tried it, Randall’s suggestion of Zen meditation sounds promising.
I would recommend trying to improve your diet and engaging in regular exercise on a consistent basis. They say the best fitness program is the one you stick with, so if you decide to trying being more active (assuming your aren’t very physically active already), do something that you enjoy and build your fitness routine around it. For example, if you like tennis, then use that as the focal point around which your training would revolve.
I exercise regularly, and while it doesn’t make my problems or my issues go away, it does make facing people, reality, yourself, whatever a little easier. I’ve found that it makes my thinking clearer, and more true, in that I am less likely to unwittingly delude myself or get distracted by extraneous things (if that makes any kind of sense).
Also, I can’t stress the insidious impact your diet can have on your outlook. Eating less carbs (it doesn’t have to be total no carbs) and consuming more fruits and veggies, and getting enough protein can really make a difference. It has for me, this works well with any kind of routine you might have to manage, whether it be fitness or something else.
I think everyone feels the negative feelings you’ve listed. And I can especially relate to the feelings of disconnection and inadequacy. As for the fear that no one will never truly love you, that might not be the case for you because you seem to genuinely want life, which I have come to suspect may essential to finding and sustaining love.
These lyrics of “Caden’s Song” from the surreal 2008 film ‘Synecdoche, New York,’ perfectly encapsulate this fear.
“No one will ever love you /
For everything you are”
I’m on the fence as to whether or not that applies to everyone, let alone you, though I think it might (apply to people in general, not necessarily you in particular), but it seemed too apropos not to post.
Nihilism is a double-edged sword. Having doubts, in and of itself, strikes me as normal and, in some cases, rational. I’d only caution against letting them become crippling. As long as you keep trying I think you might be okay.
Thanks AnxietyGardener. That’s a great song (I checked it out on youtube). If the quote is taken literally, then hell, am I even going to love me for everything I am? Self love is damn tricky.
@vitamin_water
Anytime. I recommend the entire soundtrack, especially if you ever see the movie, which is super depressing, inscrutable, and profound; and might speak to a lot of folks in these here parts. But I love Jon Brion.
Self-love may be tricky, but I think it’s the surest way toward the comprehensive, unconditional ideal most people vainly hope to receive from others.