My birthday is tomorrow and I find myself researching ways to kill myself. I have felt suicidal since I was 7, yet I always convinced myself that tomorrow would be better. I have lived this lie for 19 years. I’m sick of it.
I tried to jump out of a moving car on Wednesday night. My fiance stopped me. When I thought about how horrible it would have been for him to see me like that, it made me feel so wretched.
I am an abuser. I abuse him like my parents abused me. I don’t hit him, but I hurt him with my existence. I am such a terrible person that I don’t even have any family that loves me. All I have is him and I can’t stand that I keep hurting him.
He wants us to go to counseling, but there isn’t a counselor that can convince me that it is worth living in this fucked up racist world. I hate everyone and I am sad that such a beautiful planet is filled with misanthropic, narcissistic, self hating troglodytes.
Everyone hates an intelligent black female. Males, black people, white people, EVERYONE. I’ve been a member of MENSA since I was 7 yet I have never had a true friend in the world. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep existing through the pain. I don’t see how anything could possibly get better. I was researching the Exit Bag, and I found out that nobody sells them anymore.
What the hell am I going to do? I don’t want to be gruesome. I don’t want to scar my fiance. I am considering cheating on him so he leaves. That way it wouldn’t hurt him so much. I don’t know anymore.
I wish I had never been born. My dad once told me he wishes he’d worn a condom. That makes two of us.
5 comments
I’m tired of living in a world with selfish, self-important people. It’s the beautiful people who are the ugliest. We need more people like you in the world, yet you’re the ones who get spit on
I agree with lucky. You’re a beautiful person. And I have cause to doubt that you’re an abuser. Yes, it is possible to hurt others with one’s own existence, but you’re not that type of a person. If people regret your existence, that’s their own blindness. They have less of a right to be alive than you do. Why? Because you value life so much that you actually reflect upon it. You assume that your presence taints the happiness of others but I’m overjoyed that you’re alive. And I bet your fiance is too. Talk to him personally about this. Play a little game where both of you talks about the things they love about the other person. I bet you’ll feel amazing afterwards. But you’ll feel even better when you start to realize how much of a beautiful person you really are. I promise.
Thank you both for what you said. Your words are very kind. I just don’t know if I can go on like this. I used to have a crushing emptiness that would shoot through my arms and give me physical pain in my hands. Now I don’t have any of that. Now I am just empty. I think that there is nothing inside. I wonder if there ever was. I can’t even plaster the fake smile on my face anymore. Now I’m turning 26 and I haven’t accomplished anything the world thought I would because of my crippling depression. I am a failure. If I were stronger, I would have endured. I think tonight might be the night. I’m just not sure how yet.
My main concern is not scarring my fiance. If I can guarantee that this doesn’t happen, I’m out of here. I’m worried because his father killed himself when he was a little boy. The only way would be to end the relationship, but I’m not sure if that would even work. I think he’d see right through me. I hate this.
Whatever I do, I want you both to know that what you have written has meant the world to me. You’ll never know how good it feels to know that some strangers could care.
Honestly, I hope that you survive through this. Because if you do, you’ll be stronger than most people alive today. And you in turn will be able to help others in situations similar to yours.
Hey 3nd. If you’ve got a fiance, it’s clear that you mean more to him than you realize. I bet he loves you, and would do anything to help you. That’s why he stopped you from killing yourself – not because he’d be grossed or something -because he truly cares. He is someone who you can trust, and you want to push him away for his own good because you’re used to thinking that you’re a burden. I can tell you that to him you aren’t a burden and that he wants you to get better so you can be married and live happily in each other’s arms. Whatever you are facing can be overcome. Please stay here to get help, let your fiance love you and help you get better. I can tell he means the world to you, and even if it means you have to cry on his shoulder from time to time, you can make things better. You say you are weak, but you truly aren’t – you’ve faced the pain in your life since you were seven, and you are still here today. Again, the problems you are facing seem permanent but they can be fixed. Time can heal most wounds and ones it doesn’t, it will make them hurt a little less at least. Stay cool.