Patient Zero

I really don’t know if I qualify for being depressed. I chose to have “depressed” as a part of my user name because it was a label that people were throwing onto me. I thought that depression was irrational. Wanting to die for no reason seems like depression, but wanting to die because of say, spiritual reasons or philosophical reasons does not seem much like a “chemical imbalance” to me. I should probably be careful with what I state here, but I believe that some people actually have rational reasons for suicide.

I don’t know if my reasoning would be so rational, though. All I want in life is to be happy, but happiness is a struggle, and it seems to be too little of a payout. I believe that it will not last. College isn’t making me happy and only people seem to have the potential to make me happy, but after some socialisation, I begin to feel drained and melancholic. A problem with people is that I cannot relate. I’m pro-death. I’m pro-abortion. Even though abortion makes me feel sick, I agree with it because there is no reason to bring life into the world, especially if a parent cannot afford a child, among other reasons that I don’t feel like explaining. I do not feel inferior to others or unworthy of love, except when I look at history. I think of all of the people who have died needlessly and much before their time, and I often wonder why I should live if those people, who were just as worthy of happiness as I am, died tragically. I guess God is real, and God is an apathetic asshole. That alone is enough of a reason to avoid worshipping God.