Hello. Today was a bit rough. I have a little under two weeks left for school. I just need to get through it. Around this time I get kind of depressed. I am never comfortable around people and school is the only time I am ever around people. When it comes to summer, I do my utmost to stay away from public places. However, I can’t help but feel kind of shitty when going back to that routine. It means I really am alone. When you have no reason to be around people, it means people have no reason to be around you. You are alone. When summer finally comes to a close, I have tiny panic attacks about reintegrating into the public. It is awful. I don’t think I explained it all that well. Sorry. When I finally get to college (I have one year of high school left), I will really have no reason to be around people. From classes straight to an apartment and vice versa. I don’t have the guts to go out and be around people nor the motivation. I guess it makes it easier to think about ending it all. When you can’t imagine anyone really caring about you being gone, you feel slightly less guilty. Thanks for listening.
Tag:
no reason
I’m sitting here on my bedroom floor, blood dripping from my fingers, trying to convince myself to just end it all. It could all be over so quick. How can that not be tempting. I’ve often thought I’d wanna go painlessly, up until recently. My life has shattered around me, the people I cared about most have up and left. I decided that I didn’t give a fuck anymore. I decided “fuck love” and “fuck right and wrong. Nothing in my life has ever been right.” I’ve been wasting myself, losing myself. I hate myself for the things I’ve done, but I don’t care enough to stop. I have no reason to. I’m not interested in the future, I just don’t see the point. I used to be religious, christian specifically, until my life collapsed multiple times and I finally stopped believing that there was some great god watching over us and protecting us. I tried to believe in a god who wouldn’t make good people suffer for no reason, a god who was too loving to inflict such pain on people… he didn’t exist. Death is inevitable in the end, and supposedly if you commit suicide you’ll go to hell, but I’m going there anyway, so does it really matter for what reason?
This is my first post. I hope its not my last.
Hmm..well..its hard . Waking up every single day. Going to school. Coming back home. And going to bed again. Going to sleep , at night.. is scary. Because you know ,then you’ll have to wake up tomorrow. I just feel like im done. Not that i dont have anymore strength left .but that i have no will left.
Really got no reason to go through each day. I hate going to school. Sitting there, among the same people. And feeling disconnected. Meh. There’s just a friend, whose presence keeps me from giving in .gives me hope, that its not all that pointless.we dont really talk now. Its sad 🙁 i kinda love him. But my head doesnt want me to be happy i guess. Screwed up our thing ( ambivalence, and fear of intimacy probbly) i think i have bpd. Also i kinda need him (bear hug :/ ..anyone? ). But wont talk to him. I want to keep him away from this. Just wanna see him happy.he has a great smile btw 😉
I have lost interest in food. And pretty much everything.
I think, human beings are all stupid . And scared. We have created a world. Our world. On a scale comparable to our own size. To distract ourselves. From the realization that . We are all , purposeless. Pointless . Their is really no sense to it. We are random creatures. Born by chance. Without purpose. And maybe , there is this void inside of us. This realization of how insignificant human race is, that is too painfull to admit.and acknowledge. And to avoid that, people pretend like they matter. They form human relationships. To validate their existence. Trying to make sense out of it. Probably, people are scared. Or ignorant. What do you think?
For those 4 years I’ve been biding my time, laying around, pushing myself through the dense air with no reason to do so other than just to play the part of my obligation in which I do not want. I wanted to leave 4 years ago.
I only walk through this air hoping it brings me closer to the precipice for my end.
I don’t want to leave a huge mess for someone to clean up or a body for someone to bury, but I want to leave. What am I supposed to do? Live on the obligations of others?
I don’t want to live my life on this planet dedicating myself to some job somewhere just to earn some paper just to keep living in a basic manner.
Selfish or not, I’ve wanted to explore. Not this Planet or this Place but I mean the vast entirety of the Universe I wish I could, I love the Stars.
Never felt like I was human anyways.
The stars are beautiful tonight, don’t you think?
Too bad I’m sitting here, I don’t think I can wait anymore for things to work out.
I just want someone to vent to, but I have no friends, I was once close to my siblings but I think they all kind of just got tired of me, and everyone else who is supposed to be my support system tells me people have it worse than I do so I have no reason to be depressed and quite honestly I have no Idea why my depression started, but I do know what triggered my suicidal tendencies and what is keeping me down and I want someone to listen with the intention of understanding and no just to reply. I want that without having to pay someone to pretend to care. Sorry for all misspelled words and improper grammar, I haven’t slept in 36 hours and I am very sleepy.
I love how when every body talks about my in-laws and parents and how my parents are over reacting for no reason(they kinda are). No one talkes about the two years of mental abuse from the in laws .the man reason why I din’t want to go to tahoe in there first place . but Im on my way and on my way to death mentaly emotionally hope full pyschicly too Im so tired .
gonna go have to break the news to my rents and eat shit whoo.
Today, I talked with my mother. I tried to tell her how I feel, that I’ve been holding pain for too long. And she didn’t understand, even if I can’t expect her too.
My mind is just killing me all the time now, and I’m just not able to bear it anymore. I don’t understand it, and I’m just soo tired of suffering for no reason.
What if life is just a nightmare that u can wake up from by killing your self ? What if living on earth is a living hell and when we die we go to heaven ? What if all our problem could go away a year from now ? What if Thing don’t get better any I’m staying for no reason. That’s the question WHAT IF ?
I am always sad for no reason. I cry myself to sleep alone in my room. I write poems on wattpad how I feel about the world. I always wonder why I’m still living, it’s for people I care about my mom, my friends. My friends don’t give a damn about me but I still love them. I can’t look in the mirror without insulting myself. I literally have no point in this messed up world. It is the ugliest place I’ve ever been. I have lost my sanity that I have made a finger puppet to talk to. Afew days later I stopped talking to him and I feel like I hurt him and I cry and cry I’m a cry baby I am a wimp. I am not strong enough to commit suicide I need a suicide encourager in my life and I would of done it. I doubt anyone would finish reading this but if you didn’t, that’s okay I’ll still rant on. If I weren’t me and I was somebody else I’d hate me. I already hate me. If you read this to the end thank you. I’m sorry for waisting your time but I didn’t know where else to go.
I’m never going to be the same, it’s still here in my head and it’s not going away. The voice in my head.
He’s me but not me, how do you describe yourself when you don’t even know who you are anymore. He knows me better than anyone else, better than my parents ever will, better than my “friends” ever will. I don’t think even she can save me anymore. It’s been too long.
I wanted to go to college, I wanted to go to university to study maths. Now I can’t hardly do a sum without thinking about her, or what I’ve done since, what I’m setting myself on doing.
My brother nearly died today in a skiing accident. Smashed his face after falling 30 ft down, he’s in hospital right now with internal bleeding around his brain. He has a girlfriend been with her for two years now. He’s got both things I want right now. A relationship with someone who cares for him as much as he cares for her. And death.
I want my life to rewind 12 months. So I can relive my summer with true friends, stay with them so I don’t force myself through the absolute fear and difficulty of making new friends. So I don’t make the mistakes I made when I had no guidance. So I don’t end up how I am now, a drug addicted mess.
No friends, no one I can rely on, a family that doesn’t understand, a jealousy. I can hear myself now telling me to throw myself off a cliff break my bones and freeze myself to death.
I don’t know why I keep myself going. I quite often feel there’s no reason to. I suppose it would be because she would find out. I still have a small piece of me holding on to a memory of when I was once living.
I dont know what to say so i’d rather just leave a song that describes how i feel
by Asyrel
written by Asyrel
rain falling around me
can’t tell if weather is warm
or why I am cold?
fame falls all around me
can’t tell if I should just hide or run
some people hold onto their misery,
a token of their lives
painted faces, warlike, they march on
feel the end near, blinding and screaming
for blood they’d do anything
can’t tell if I should just hide or run
some people hold onto their misery,
a token of their lives
painted faces, warlike, they march on
feel the end near, blinding and screaming
for blood they’d do anything
got two tickets to Peridon, just can’t sleep
I’ve got no reason to worry ’cause it’s just a dream
on my way to the classroom
lit the fire
it’s a burning desire
murder
water is needed
hate seems always following
can’t tell if I can run, can’t find my way outside
hate seems always following
can’t tell if I should just run or hide
some people hold onto their misery
a token of their lives
painted faces, warlike, they march on
feel the end near, blinding and screaming
for blood they’d do anything
got two tickets to Peridon, just can’t sleep
I’ve got no reason to worry ’cause it’s just a dream
on my way to the classroom
lit the fire
it’s a burning desire
murder
water is needed…
I’ve been trying to find myself for a long time that I completely lost me. I don’t even know what’s my purpose here. I don’t even know if i’m worth living every single shitty day. I’ve been so tired of life, I have given up to my own self. I guess life wasn’t really meant for me. And now i feel so sorry for everyone who would like to trade my life with theirs bc not everyone were safe from death. I am really trying my best to live, even if my mind stops thinking, even if my heart almost stops beating, even if…i had no reason left to live
I have nothing better to do so I’m cutting myself. I feel to overwhelmed and unmotivated to do anything else, like studying for exams. I think I do it for attention to a certain extent because I do it in a noticeable place.
No family.
no friends.
no feelings.
no reason to keep on going.
i’m barely able to do anything.
at least i’m not depressed any more, but i sometimes miss feeling the sadness.
i spend most of my time thinking about suicide.
For some reason, these past few days, I’ve been really sad, but I don’t know why. My life’s been pretty ok these past few weeks. I mean I had a meltdown on Monday because I had to go apply to college and I don’t want to do college. But I have to because I can’t move out because I don’t have a car and I don’t make enough money to support myself which I learned last semester. And the only reason why I moved back in with my parents was because I hated it more at the last college I was at. But anyways, I start classes on tuesday and that is something I am definitely not looking forward to. I’m currently working at a restaurant that I worked at before I went to that other college. And I’m okay with that. It isn’t too terrible there. Only one of my coworkers hates me, and probably hates me even more after she under tipped me $3 when I was busing and some of my other coworkers had a talk with her about it. It wasn’t that big of a deal, but overall, I don’t make much busing and if it isn’t busy I get screwed over usually. I’ve had problems with that girl since the day I met her. Everytime I bus she avoids me till the last possible second and makes up shitty excuses as to why I have to wait 5more minutes for my tip when I could’ve easily been gone 15minutes before. But other than her it’s not too bad. One of the servers there is really cute and I think he’s interested in me but I suck at knowing that stuff and I honestly doubt he’ll ask me out. But he did tip me like $4 more than he should’ve tonight so I don’t know what that means. So my life is okay right now.
I haven’t talked to my person in about a month even though I want to, but I don’t want to intrude on his life. I may text him on Tuesday and tell him that I’m back in college and stuff and maybe see if I can hang out with him sometime. I think maybe because I haven’t talked to him in a while is why I might be sad. I’ve been on the verge of tears the past two days. And I haven’t been feeling the brain numbness/emotional numbness I get when I am depressed this week really until earlier this night at work. I don’t know.
I want things to happen. I want that cute coworker to ask me out. I want to get in a job where I can actually financially support myself. I want to have my own car. I want to talk to my person.
But I don’t have control over those wants. I can push to get them, but it’s someone else who has the final decision in it. And I’m just sad. And I don’t know why.
I know im not suppose to be here, and no one wants me here. I know everyone hates me and all i can manage to do is bring out hatred in people. I know i will never be helped, or loved again. So why do i have to talk myself into it, why cant i cut deep enough, why am i scared. I have nothing worth staying for and no one wants me here. It should be easy then right? It makes no sense what so ever to still be alive when there is no reason. A lifetime in the void is better then staying in hell. Im sorry if i offend anyone
I have dealt with more pain than you think. You have no reason to judge me. The simple fact that you judge me proves that you are smaller and weaker than me. You can’t deal with the pain I’ve been through. Yeah you can say all you want about me, but it’s not gonna change what I believe and I believe in myself. I don’t need to believe in you or your friends or your family. I don’t have to listen to you or what you have to say. I am me for a reason and no one can change that. You can go fuck yourself.
~Kninea
I can’t help but want to scream when the memories of this day flash through my mind, as if they were not memories, but annoyed spirits. They fly around inside of my head, touching every aspect of my mind, looking for the slightest excuse to gain control and make my life a living hell. They seem to be a sentient thing, a personality outside, and yet within, myself. Made specifically to destroy me, and gruesomely efficient at their work. Perhaps, if they truly are sentient, they enjoy their work, and that is where their almost deadly determination and efficiency originates from.
They hurt by reminding me of the moment where I crossed a line, it was no huge gesture or act, but simply taking for granted the privileges that had been given to me. One too many cutting remarks, normally forgotten, but now hold their place of infamy in my mind, sitting upon their dark pedestal. It could be argued that I have no reason to feel the shame and pain I do upon remembering this, but the objections are futile when the thoughts take control of me. I hope against this sea of hopelessness and darkness that my apologies and attempts at solving the issue are successful. Perhaps this hope is simply naievity within myself, a traitorous part of a mind already taught to misbehave. These feelings are amplified to the recentness of the events, along with the loss of what may have once been a budding friendship.
Wars behind the eyes that stare out so passively, so seemingly innocent. These have always been there, and took place in my mind before today’s events were even a possibility. Like any war, the causes are varied and diverse, but some can be seen through the murky waters of my troubled mind; heartache, caused by one too many lost loves, rapidly decreasing self-esteem, derived from a misunderstanding and misinterpretation of the norm, and doubt from all of my past failures and misadventures. Questions nobody should have to contemplate on such a consistent basis fly through my mind more times than I care to admit, or count. “Do I feel for her, or is it simply a lie from my treacherous heart? Does it matter if I want to live, as long I am alive? Do I truly stand alone in this unforgiving world?”
Does anyone here know the feeling of being so calmed (with no reason) after being so so sad?
It is like being ok about all the shit. It kinda scares me (not really, but in a way) because I feel really capable of ending up everything but I do not want to hurt anyone, I do not want to make them sad.
I don’t know what to do. I’m numb.
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