Session 20: The noise they call life

The more you look back at it, the more it becomes clear.  The chaos in the way everything around you moves, breathes, exists and ultimately vanishes into the void.  I’m sort of glad I found this place, I wasn’t sure a thing like this would exist.  I’ve been cutting so many ties lately, well, is still tough to linger as you start the preparations.  I think it was a good idea to set a counter, so I’ll start with 20.  I’ll post 20 things in here before I can manage to successfully be one with the nothingness and have the sweet embrace of everlasting silence.

I do not know if maybe I can help others while I’m here?  I grew tired of that.  Is not like you can fix people’s life’s and not take a beating while doing so.  Besides I think trying to even remotely do that in here can get you removed.  That is not really what I want to happen though.  You know, I wonder if they will look back at my browser and find this here and freak out that it was posted for the whole world to see and they acted oblivious to it.   Anyways, that is not what I want to post here on the first entry.

Is hard to come up with things to write you know, specially since this might be the one of the last things that will inevitably will remain in the world.  At least until the site goes down, then it too becomes part of the nothing.  I guess I should explain the tittle.  Life for all its wonderfulness is nothing more than a whole bunch of crumbled up events with few highlights and hell of a lot of letdowns and disappointments.  More letdowns than highlights.   Always more letdowns than highlights.  Like 99.9% letdowns, some hot gas and a grain of highlights.   Sure to many out there life is great, and kudos to them.  Let them rejoice in the grandeur of a walk in the park on a sunny day with a perfect smile and a happy dog.  That’s their cup of tea and they enjoy themselves so yeah, good for them.  I never saw things like that though.  I never wanted to be born in the first place, and yet I was so charmingly created.

Sure after I told people that I didn’t want to be born they started bashing their oh you gotta love life crap over me all the time.  It was better just to admit to them that I was loving life than to tell them to hush and leave me alone.  I was such a people person.  But I have somehow eliminated most of that noise, so I guess I got that going for me.

I think I talked enough about the past, and I’m pretty sure you don’t care about it.  Unless you know me personally, in which case I might be a bit worried as I’m planning this all hush hush.  So for the most part, the methods I tried have turned out duds as either the mechanism broke, someone spotted me, or it just failed completely.  I’m thinking that for this thing to be foolproof I will need some sort of location in which I cannot be easily found.  The method has to be as clean as possible too.  Sure I hate life, but that doesn’t mean that I have to be an asshole and leave a mess for others to clean.  Not that messy methods are bad, if that is your only available option then there is nothing that could be done about it.  I did came out with two ways to go out, gas myself with some CO2 or have all my organs extracted.

I think the second option might be too out there, but hear me out.  Not only will I get my wish of everlasting demise, but I also get to help others that require transplants.  Is too bad that is quite frown upon society to even comment that.  Unless I’m wrong, and if I am, I would love to hear from you guys about where it can be done.

So that leaves the practical of the two, gassing.  For that I thought about getting an oxygen mask kit and then changing the oxygen tank with other gas.  I would also need some sort of variable gas valve release, to increase the amount of gas as time passes.   Hopefully small doses will knock me out before all the gas is loose and finishes me off.  At least that’s the plan, I might have to read around here to see if anyone has had any issues with that set up.

Well that’s it for the first entry.  Being as happy as a chronically depressed person can be.

Cheers.