My name is Micaela,
I have been upset and miserable for as long as i can remember.. Last night I had I fight with my mom who I once held near and dear to my heart, she is slowly drifting away day by day .. I cant stop it I dont know how… she makes me feel bad about everything I do when in reality all I want to do is help and make her proud (she Always tells me that she is , but I never really feel it)… like today during the fight she was describing the things I do but when I heard the way she was describing me it was like an exact image of what I saw in her.. she makes me feel like im going insane like on thoes horror movie shows where they make you go insane by telling you that you are them.. do you get my drift? I just dont know what to do anymore.. I’m tired and lonly I feel like have no one to trust anymore… I wanted to take a bottle of my mothers clonazepam but they were already finished.. I have tried suicide so many times but all I did was fail because the mommy that I once had changed everything for me and made me feel better. Now all she can say is that I am ungreatfull for the things she does for me, but little does she know that the reason I keep all the stuff she tells me to throw away is the appreciation , I dont throw the things away because its the constant reminder that she bought it for me. She says I am inconsiderate, but I am not because when ever I see her struggling down on her knees with pain and sadness I am the first person to jump in and help her with anything she wants help with, yea sure I may not do it in the exact second she askes but I will do it. The problem with me is that I hide my pain every day, I hide it deep down, it’s always there hiding behing the big smile that I put on every day so that no one will take me down at my weakest point, but my mom of all people should see that pain and try to fix it…but it does not happen that way anymore ….”Mom can I have a hug? ughh okay in a minute let me just finish doing this” when the hug finally comes its so shallow its like there is nothing there to actually feel , no connection, emptiness.. I dont know why but every time I try I dont feel the warmth flow into my heart like the days back then… I love my mom but I feel like my world is falling apart right now.
The more I read about the after life the more upset I become.. like do you go to heavan or hell or does your soul rest in peace or rome around same as when we were alive.. I want to be set free .. I want my soul to stop it’s inner battle I want it to go to green apastures and in beautiful flower fields.. I want my soul to be set free.
P.S=I KNOW ITS ALL JUST ME ME ME AND I I I BUT THIS IS HOW I FEEL.. I HAVE NO OTHER WORDS TO PUT IT IN.. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LISTEN