I can’t describe myself in 5 words. I’m too messed up. I seem like I have a good life. I don’t. I project it well. I guess I have had a lot of practice. I want so desperately to live and enjoy every second of life but I can’t. I feel like I’m in so much pain it no longer seems bearable.
Ill go back… I was a bad teenager. I did drugs was wild and had so much fun. I got in with a bad crowd and caused so much heartache for my family. I lived anywhere I could for a few years. I drank so much to escape. I got a phone call – my dad had cancer. My dad my hero was dying. Within 6 months he was dead. I never got to make him proud. I’ve spent the last 7 years doing my best to make him proud, with the occasional slip up. I used to cut myself long before my dad got cancer. I actually itch now wanting so badly to cut away the pain but I can’t because someone will see. I can’t hide it like I used to.
I have a great job, I’ve worked hard for this position but even now it doesn’t give me the same pleasure it used to. I have the perfect boyfriend who does the right things but he hasn’t a clue how deep my pain runs. I get so angry sometimes I can’t shut it off.
My brother studies psychology and I have even fooled him into thinking I’m ok when I’m not even close. I want the pain to end but I don’t want to be a zombie on meds for the rest of my life. I choose to believe I’m stronger than that yet I’m typing and crying my eyes out. I am so scared to tell people what’s going on in my head because I believe they will commit me. Everything is so dark I just want to smile for real again and I wonder if I ever will. I don’t want to die I don’t want to choose suicide I just want someone who understands to explain to me what the hell is wrong and help me fix it
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I was also a ‘bad seed’, if you will, so I understand your guilt. That combined with your dad passing is probably the reason you’re here today. Sometimes our past just overrules the present, no matter how hard we try to keep it from doing so. I still deal with the demons from my past, haven’t yet figured out how to control them, and likely never will. You just have to learn to live with them, and you seem much closer to doing that than I. It’s good that you’re looking for help and not acting on impulse, you obviously want to live. That’s all I have to say, but hey, i’m not Dr. Phil.
Thanks Snuffles. I just wish there was a name for what I feel. I wish there was something non drug like I can do to fix myself. My past keeps finding ways to come into my present. I wish to escape it all but not end it all.. Not yet.. I feel there’s still hope somewhere. I want to tell people I’m not ok
Then tell people you’re not okay. If you don’t then you’ll keep feeling like this. I never had anyone to console in, it appears as if you do.
You make it sound so simple . It’s far from it. I can’t even describe how I feel . I want the pain to stop. I tried to tell people what was going on – the response is the same they all thing going to a doctor will help- get some meds- that’ll stop it.. It’s so not that simple . I have people in my life yes and maybe it seems wrong I can’t tell them but I can’t even begin to tell u the burden of what I carry and to think I could put that on someone else
I understand that, and wasn’t trying to make it sound simple. I know it’s not, but if suicide is out of the question, that means you want help, and if you want help, you need at least one person to confide in, whether it be your brother or whom I would recommend, your boyfriend. I know it sounds like a clusterfuck, but if you don’t, eventually suicide may not be so far out of the question.
I understand that, and wasn’t trying to make it sound simple. I know it’s not, but if suicide is out of the question, that means you want help, and if you want help, you need at least one person to confide in, whether it be your brother or whom I would recommend, your boyfriend. I know it sounds like a clusterfuck, but if you don’t, eventually suicide may not be so far out of the question.
Tell it-tell someone you can trust.Better yet,get a counselor or psychologist,to whom you can confide-that way you can be certain it is confidential and you can get the info you need on how best to cope.Not to say that you will get the info and suddenly be ok. Ive done this,and im still not ok. Im never going to be OK again. Some of us can recover,though.Ive seen people pull up out of the shitstorm of addiction and severe depression by working the NA program(12 step). Some things just can’t be fixed,and must be accepted.Some things we must learn to live with. Im an addict,too,and have been reckless and extremely inconsiderate to my poor parents.They forgive,and they keep loving me,as all parents should(I believe) when a kid is fucking up. Yet there will always be a pang of guilt and shame in me till I die. Anyway-yes!You should talk to someone you can trust,and until then,keep posting here.Its a relief to just get it typed out,even if it is just a small relief. Its slightly less heavy afterwards.And if you keep examining it and talking about it,you can possibly get much better…
Family and friends sense of identity are very much connected to who they need us to be, just as our identity is connected to how we experience our friends and family. When dealing with the issues you describe so well, but that words can’t fully express friends and family can’t help. No matter how much they love us, and perhaps because of that love, they will most likely say and do the wrong things.
I think what we really want from our family and friends to to be witnessed to be seen but because they love us they will want to help us, to fix us. The best aspect of being connected with others is also its worst, is how entangled everything becomes.
You still can imagine hope so having a third party to talk to, one that is not connected to you and is trained to listen might help. Their will be some that might suggest medication and that could help bring you to a place where you will be better able to find the answers you need.
I think that is the key find a person who can listen to you and reflect back to you your own thoughts and stories so that you can discover what is really going on.
It’s strange but often its not until we hear out loud our own inner voice that we discover what we are really thinking. Our inner stories usually seem so real, so logical, so well articulated but when we say them out loud and hear the words… not so much