today i came to the conclusion id rather have drug induced states of happiness over no happiness at all. maybe one day it can kill me. at least that way i can die happy. i don’t see it happening any other way.
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I came to that conclusion at 13, by the time I was 15 I was a full-blown drug addict, smoking weed every day, using coke, mdma, speed, shrooms, DXM, LSD and anything else I could get my hands on every chance I got. I spent tens of thousands of pound on drugs over the next 11 years, I wore the shittiest, worn out, often second hand clothes because I spent every penny I could on drugs. People I knew had cool nice things but I didnt because I wasted all my cash on drugs, I even stole to get cash for it. It didnt make me happy, it just put off my misery till I came down, and you always come down sooner or later – the longer the binge, the bigger the comedown. I lost most of my friends because I was seen as an unstable druggie. Plus, it caused noticeable brain damage and as my doctor explained when I got help it was a big cause of my health being so poor and my bipolar and personality disorders got so far out of control.
Long story short – its your call, but in my opinion its a shit idea. It wont make you happy. Trust me.
im sorry that happened to you man. I’ve had problems with depression for years but lately I’ve just been feeling worse and worse. it seems the only relief i get is drug stimulated. its only maybe twice a week not even that sometimes. i ve got a good balance right now. and i know you’ll say i can’t control it. im not disagreeing but for now its helping. and if it ever stops helping then i don’t know what i could possibly do next?
I’ve exhausted every other option i can think of. I’ve been in therapy for years I’ve been sectioned twice i don’t know what else to do or where else to turn.
i hear what your saying but i really don’t know what else i can do now I just want to feel happy again. even with the risks, i just can’t go though everyday feeling like theres nothing for me. that’s no way to live? it can’t be?
I’m not here to preach dude – maybe you can control it, I hope you can, and I hope you’ll find the balance. I just wanted to give you my story in the hope you wouldn’t go through what I did. What are you using that helps?
Im sorry to hear about your depression getting worse and worse dude, I wish I had something positive and lifechanging to say but being honest I dont.. I know the feeling of exhausting all your options, trying to go by professional’s advice and feeling nothing but betrayed and disheartened. And when the chips are down I totally understand the desire to feel like someone else, someone who isnt so unhappy. Youre right it’s no way to live.
If I could I’d give you a hug.
thank you for understanding man i really do hear your story loud and clear i hope its somewhat better for you now.
im currently on pot acid and mdma, though i use acid and mdma way less cause the come downs are brutal. the most frequently ive taken them as once a week but after a bad comedown a few weeks ago I’ve pushed that back to every two weeks at most frequent.
its both a relief and a shame that you understand everything in my head right now. i hope you’re doing at least somewhat better. im really touched you took the time to reply to this and really didn’t judge. just talked. i didn’t expect that at all.
i appreciate the thought, we could all do with hugs every now and then x
You’re more than welcome dude, I’d never judge anyone going through such a rough time. And thanks for your well wishes, yeah things are kindof better now. Life is more boring being sober and clean and heavily medicated but I’m getting a bit more stable at least, still have ups and downs but I’m starting to be able to deal with them more. And its nice to be able to afford things like decent clothes and food and getting my hair done, makes me feel a bit better about myself 🙂
If youre only doing drugs a few times a week thats good, it becomes a lot worse when you wake up every day and have to get high till you go to sleep, you forget how to be sober.. weed is the best thing to be on its the most reliable and least dangerous. As you say acid and mdma suck on the comedown, once I got hooked on mdma so bad I was taking it every day then one night I took 17 pills and woke up in hospital one of the people I was with had to call an ambulance, I had internal bleeding especially around my eyes were all purple looked like someone had been punching me in the face, couldnt see properly there were neon pink/purple specks burnt into my vision for a few days. now THAT was a comedown to remember 😛 The doctor told me if I kept at it I’d do irreversible damage if I hadn’t already, that was the last time I did mdma. definitely worth keeping to to every two weeks at most or it starts to have less and less of an effect so you end up overdosing to get anything out of it.
It is a shame weve both been in the same place dude, I really feel for you. As we both know it sucks donkey balls. I really hope you survive and find yourself in a happier place one day soon. Noone deserves to feel that low.
Take care of yourself mate 🙂
the only problem is drugs are expensive. Where are you going to get the money to bing on drugs
Generally, first comes compromising other areas of your life to spend that money on drugs. Dealing, scamming, and stealing come next.
I used to go hard on ecstasy, pure MDMA, speed, cocaine if we could get it (very hard to get the real thing in Australia, it’s mostly garbage cut with speed and costs about $400 a gram) when I was in my teens and early 20’s. I worked a full time job making good money, living at home, so had nothing else to do with my time or money.
The ecstasy – or, what we thought was ecstasy, who knows what it really was sometimes – definitely changed me at a young age. The come downs were often severe, staying in bed for a day or two feeling all sorts of suicidal, anger, sadness at the same time. One time I took a fistful of pills and I had taken a girl I liked back to my house. We had to vote for the state on the Saturday and It was a stinking hot day, late November so summer was all but here. All I thought of at the train station seeing the girl home was I just wanted to jump in front of a train. So went home and I cried for about an hour.
I would go to work on Monday morning on no sleep because I slept all day Saturday and Sunday, I got a lot angrier at people at work and in my life. Pretty much withdrew from people outside of my Friday/Saturday night crew. Isolation Monday to Friday.
The euphoria in the moment is the most amazing feeling you will ever experience (if you get the real deal) but the come down lasts twice as long and takes you to the opposite end. Your serotonin yo-yo’s. I believe that people who suffer from depression have low levels of serotonin, I might be wrong though.
I’m pretty sure all of that made me dumber. My memory is pretty shot these days. Oh yeah, and we were heavy drinkers too. Lots of alcohol, ecstasy and speed/coke/ketamine anything. Never came close to an OD but I’m sure the seeds of why I want to kill myself were planted in those nights of partying.
These days, I’m 27 now, I recreationally take psychedelics. I think that the occasional use of LSD & DMT is a good thing for you if you’re of a certain mindset but not to be underestimated either. I’m not suggesting you should do it but for me I know my limits, I didn’t have any from 18-22
Just a story on drugs. Don’t get it confused, it’s not just the meth and crack users that get fucked up off the substance abuse, some drugs just take longer to bite you on the arse.
Hey Anunnaki, totally with you on the feeling dumber and memory damage, wish I could get it back 🙁