…after a week of not seeing her turns into both of us crying in a bar while she tells me that she can’t promise me to be that person who builds a life with me, and that i deserve to be in a relationship where i’m a priority but that she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. I come home and get on some dating pas to cruise since we’re poly anyway and there’s nothing better than drowning your sorrow in another person and this boy tells me “i can’t date someone who is basically taken.” Now i know I wouldn’t want to date anyone who doesn’t get poly armory anyway but my brain is on overdrive about how i will always be alone, on how i will never have a family, a partner, a dog, a kid, or a home.
This morning I wake up not feeling much better but i have to go to work. People are depending on me. I don’t want to levee my couch, which is where I slept last night so i wouldn’t have to feel the loneliness of my big bed.
Logically I know that I will be ok. Logically I know that I will figure something out. Logically I know that my heart is broken but not in pieces because it’s grown too tough to fall apart again. I just don’t know if I can do this; love with no commitment, with no care, when I thought that’s what she wanted. I don’t know much right now except that i have to go on regardless of how much my veins beg to be ripped open.