disconnect and self destruct one moment at a time

my mind is racing with all kinds of negative thoughts. therapy is getting hard and heavy. been feeling physically sick with the stress. i am in a very fragile state. been stirring up the shit in therapy and something big is lurking just below the surface. i don’t know what it is but i can cry at the drop of the hat. i am supposed to be trying hypnosis but at the moment it terrifies me. i am scared . something momentous is going to happen and no one outside of therapy knows it. i am withdrawing from family/friends because i just don’t want to talk. i hate myself so much . even the most innocent comments seem to only reinforce those thoughts. i feel so lonely yet i am the one who is withdrawing from the world. afraid to say where i am on the “suicide scale” they will just want to throw my ass in the hospital again. while i can’t say when, where or why exactly  it has always been an option. what has changed in my fertile illogical mind is in the preparations. as in getting finances in order, insurance policies etc etc.  i am even looking to make improvements to my house so in case dave needs to sell . however fucked up that sounds , in my head it makes sense.  i guess withdrawing is my way of protecting myself. can’t be crying all the time at any moment or place. so my old standby is to fade into the background. don’t say much, don’t volunteer any real info. it seems to make my leaving easier. even though rationally i know that is all bs. but , alas, the rational mind hasn’t much to say these days. its the emotional mess who is pro death. on another note i think i saw the shrink Sunday at the Taste of -. it startled me at first. after all we don’t exist in the same economic plane. what a buzzkill. intoxicated, forgetting myself for awhile, then reality smacks me in the face. oh well what else is new?  at this point in time and space i really don’t see the value in my continued existence. failure is all i see.