I worked myself stupid last year for an organization that was going under. I literally spent 56 hours working with no breaks and no sleep. You would think that the women who profited from my work, would spare an hour to come to my birthday celebration? Fuck. They don’t even have to come for an hour. Just show up and say hi. That’s all. I really wish I could articulate how hurt I am that I will be spending my 21st birthday…alone. What is the point of working hard on relationships if there is no gain to them? Why kill myself worrying over if i’m giving enough to the friendship if I’m going to get nothing in return?
Out of 50 of my closest friends and acquaintances…two have said they’d go if I wanted them to. IF I WANT THEM TO? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Do I have no close connections at all?
The one person whom I thought was my closest friend, the one I could confide in all my deepest fears, said that she wasn’t going because she didn’t feel like walking a mile. All I feel is complete and utter devastation and betrayal.
What the fuck do I have to live for? What is holding me back from just ending it all right now? No one would fucking care until there was work to be done. I’m so glad that I have done all this work with nothing to show except a lone table with a pathetic drink in front of me. The fuck do I have to live for?
I think it’s time to say goodbye. So..as if there is someone on the other side of the screen who cares, goodbye. I hope whoever finds me isn’t too inconvenienced.
4 comments
Hey please dont do anything… I swear its not worth it. It will get better, there are other people out there that will appreciate your effort and dedication
Happy birthday Aarina – and you won’t be the only one spending their 21st all on their lonesome.
That’s really jack that your friends won’t make the effort to see you for this one day (one mile is fuckin’ nothing – I slogged it 12 klicks to a mate’s house once, and that was just to watch the rugby).
(That’s impressive that your closest acquaintances’ count is in the double digits. I’m still counting on the one hand).
Anyway. I’ll be thinking of you whilst I throw back a bottle of top shelf, sitting on a lone park bench overlooking my beautiful yet smoggy city during what should be my march into true adulthood.
Happy birthday once again. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to see a man about a dog.
You know how many times I felt as you do? Now I’m 68!
But it doesn’t mean I don’t get depressed once in a while, last time was 25 years ago, as I am now, hence even registering and looking at comments here…
Don’t do anything “stupid”! The one place NO ONE can come back from is death, and it’s too easy to bring it on. It’s a lot harder to keep going, but I promise you there will be years of happiness to come and this moment will be but a memory…
I don’t know where you are, but I hope you are still reading here to see if anyone cares, I do care.