I keep making the same mistake. I keep looking for intimacy in random hook ups, like it’s the spark of life, but it’s hurting me. I’m putting my body through abuse, and my friends are scared of me. They don’t understand why I’m doing it and they keep away from me. I’ve been with so many girls and guys, broken my heart over and over, and I’ve swallowed so many pills but can’t die.
For 10 years it’s been an endless cycle of pain and numbing that pain. It’s maddening. I want to get out. I want to have friends. Get a girlfriend. Be happy where I am in college. But I’m stuck. I’m stuck and I can’t get out of this. I’ve tried everything possible: therapy; promises; abstinence; accountability. Nothing’s worked. Maybe this is the only way to break the cycle. To make the pain finally stop. Please just make this stupid pain stop….
3 comments
I went to therapy for abuse. It helped me figure out a few things. If you don’t want to go to therapy, you can try sharing here if you fell comfortable. To break bad patterns takes a lot of looking deep inside. It easier to keep up the self-abuse then change. Many times, our environment as children teaches us the abuse and we take over as adults and become our own abusers. Some scars never heal. I’ve learned that the hard way.
*feel. Stupid autocorrect
Spend some time alone and think about things. Think about why you got into all those hook ups and weather or not they helped any or put you deeper in the darkness. If you have an addition to something like maybe sex…. then you might want to pick up a book on the subject. I used to have an addiction that caused me muh grief and I lost friends and lost respect for myself.
but I bought some books by people who had the same addition and how they over came it and it really helped. You also have to believe you can change for the better if you work on it.