It’s never-ending.
Don’t try and fucking tell me it’s just ‘a phase’, and please, PLEASE, just stop telling me it is going to be okay. I’m sick of your lies. I’m sick of you smiling when I’m covered in numbness. I’m sick of your ‘good morning’s and ‘good evening’s.
I hate you for not accepting me, as I try to do that myself. I hate you for being so naive and stupid. I hate you for believing I will be good again. Face it. Me, depression. It took over, can’t you see ma? can’t you see it’s not your son anymore? Can’t you see I’m someone else? Can’t you feel my burning skin?
I turn to my fantasies. I turn to my little ritual knife. It’s cold. I’ll have to warm it up. And it feels good, when the blade cuts my stomach to my body of tar and let the hate flow with the dust in the air.
Once again, I open my eyes to this shit of a life, thinking I should have ended it yesterday.
5 comments
Wish i had something helpful to say to you, but i don’t. I turn to my fantasies too. And i also turn to my scapel. I hope you find peace.
People cannot see what is in front of them. People are all stuck in their own story, version, illusion of the life in front of their eyes. so, no, Mom can’t see because she hasn’t lifted the veil to see you. You can’t see Mom cause you’re busy cutting and living in your depression. No one “sees”.
Why do you feel like you do? Hatred will destroy you, I know it’s cliche but if you open your heart and try to find the good in life and love, you might find yourself pleasantly surprised. Something I’ve learned though far too late to change my terrible fate, love is the most amazing force in the universe. Though I am an outcast, I learned far too late to change my journey into darkness how precious life is and to live each day like it was your last. I don’t know your situation and it could be dire, but don’t give into your demons. Try taking medication for your depression or talking to someone. I understand how you feel about not being accepted.
It’s not like I chose to feel the way i do. And I meant hatred towards myself. I love my girlfriend. I take medication and talk to a psychologist twice a week.
Fuck yes! This is how I felt, but not anymore. I would feel like there’s nothing good about myself anymore, that that “good girl girl” is dead. But now I see everything differently, and I couldn’t believe that I had been missing out. I don’t take drugs or talk to a therapist, I don’t believe in it tbh, but if I tell you how I did it then you’d probably offend me so I won’t. I wish that there was something I could do or say that could fix everything, but maybe you don’t want to be fixed (I didn’t then), everyone deals with everything differently so just find your way and give it chance, you only have this one life and that’s it, so make it a good one.