I have been around here for a week, reading posts about other people’s problems, previous attempts and their rebounds from said attempts. Some of the problems are mentioned, them being of loss, love, subject of hate, assumptions, guilt, etc. Some of these guys are well-off and loved, some perhaps aren’t. So I’ll just add myself undeservingly to the list as I vent it out in the following brief of my life.
I haven’t ever attempted suicide, I could never gather the strength to do so, but not a single day goes without thinking about it. Theres nothing wrong with my life, and as a matter of fact many would love to be in my place, but since childhood I have been gloomy. Parents, friends, relatives, everybody have not been able to understand why. Although in front of my friends I conceal a lot or wear a mask, whenever I try to reveal the sorry side of me they dismiss it as an impossibility.
Ever since I left the place I was born I have been disturbed, I still am. I have been an outcast always, everywhere. Everywhere, people are of a particular country, know a very particular language, are social geniuses. There are many more social geniuses compared to mental geniuses, and by social genius I mean a guy who knows how to get attention. I am from everywhere, hence I fit nowhere. I haven’t stayed in a country for any term longer than 4 years at a stretch. I have always been a social failure, whenever I have tried, I have made a complete fool of myself. I have stopped trying socializing for a long time, and I sit and wipe the isolatory sorrow over games and lots of it.
I can go unconscious, do what my instinct tells me to do, ignore others, do whatever I want. But I can’t, I want to stay aware and awake, keep my mind on, analyse situations, create solutions. But with the lack of authentic information, and my lack of knowledge and experience, I feel like I’m wasting the time of everybody here, wasting space, and ofcourse wasting the luxury which somebody else could use with much more glee than I do. I have a great mind, and I waste it over games and other BS because I don’t know where to apply it.
Much of the time I don’t trust the universe. I don’t trust that if I will work hard for the rest of my life to feed my stomach and help people I would get anything back. If there is nothing more to life than its single term, void before birth and after death (scientific view) , then whats the point of living? Just to feed our stomachs till we die, nothing afterward? I’d rather die right now please and get it over it, the suspense is killing me. I have heard and made many theories over afterlife, but I am a logical thinker, and blind belief won’t get me(yup im atheist). What kills me is that I cannot find anybody I can talk to and share my theories and receive feedback when it comes to my theories so that I can improve on them. I sit still, keep hitting WASD so that I can ignore the pool of theories I have in my mind. That’s what I hate about being smart, I have too many things to talk about, and too few people to talk about it. It haunts me frequently, and I’ll have no problem if one day death comes and claims me, I feel guilty enough being host of such a good mind and not being able to put it to work.
Thank you for sparing a slice of your day for this.
Please do read my comments to this post to get a better insight about my case.
6 comments
I’ve lived in 6 countries throughout my life, and every time I moved I lost a part of me. All my friends, support system and attachment to surroundings. I also feel like I don’t belong anywhere, certainly not in this damned country I am in now which is not my home. I don’t have a home.
I also have many theories about the afterlife, even though I’m not religious. Most of my theories are completely crazy which is what people tell me when I share my thoughts.
Also, like you I am an outcast from society because I hate people. I waste my time doing stupid jobs and watching Disney movies. It’s gotta end someday. Life is essentially pointless especially if there is nothing after we die.
i relate to you in that i feel i have no home… but I’ve realised that maybe the key to being happy is to make everyone around you happy. then at least you’ll have a purpose and you know what wouldn’t be there if you wern’t. (happiness)
@tma
Thats correct, key to being happy is making others happy. But the basic doubt remains.
@DeathDreamer7 Quite the similarities there 🙂
Well, home is where are your parents are, isnt it? 😀 Yeah but otherwise we dont have that attachment to a country normal people do, living in the same place, among similar-minded people. I think living in a single place narrows a person’s perspective down, and we are the few who do not have to have a narrow perspective. It feels almost like a responsibility.
Well, there are ofcourse different types of crazies, but i’ve come to assume that everybody’s justified in his own definitions. My type of crazy freaks me out time to time, then i just lie down and try to digest what i discovered.
“It’s gotta end someday. Life is essentially pointless especially if there is nothing after we die.” I know everything has to, everything ends (by observation), and thats what feels very uncomfortable. And exactly my point, why build my knowledge, why sweat why bleed why suffer when we are all going to physically return to dust anyway. Something’s wrong, and i feel that if i can’t find it out alive, i’d rather say goodbye.
“A great mind is worthless without education and direction.” -name
Ofcourse that ain’t entirely true, but bare with me for a moment.
First of all, thank you for sharing your story/feelings.
On being always gloomy I can’t help, simply because I too perfectly understand the feeling. There is a valid reason to end this all, but it comes at a high price., one which I’m still not ready to pay.
As a convinced atheïst (When I appear before the imagined friend I will explain him/her in detail how he is just part of my imagination) I do not believe at all in any afterlive or for that matter any purpose why we are on this little rock. However, I think you shouldn’t see it on a larger scale, but on your own individual purposes in life. Your own purposes are your choice. Wether it is helping other people or getting to become a millionaire or being the best gamer in the world or whatever is your choice. Hence the direction part in my quote (quoting yourself haha, that’s awfull). Find yourself a purpose or several of them. Mine are computer technology, a little bit of helping other people and mastering human nature by far less. I do have a strong believe in right or wrong (f.i. gay people have every right any other human being should have) and sometimes make babysteps to increase my use in this world.
If you have purpose there follows a logical order. A great mind equals a lot of thinking, but put it to use (but it also requires a lot of information to stay entertained). If FPS games are your thing, fine, go pursuit it (the pursuit of happiness, Ayn Rand). Be all you can be in whatever target you choose. FPS’s would however not be my thing (too closed up environment and not enough changes). Education helps a lot in manoeuvring up to meet more interesting people and futher develop your skillset and selfworth.
That brings me to being socially accepted; Do you really want to be a social genius? If so; there are a lot of courses which you can follow to become better at it, but should you? In my opinion you shouldn’t. Taking in the fact that your spelling/grammar is very good you probably aren’t like 90% of the people around you. Do you really want to fit in with these kind of people? I sure as hell don’t. Try to find people around you who are more compatible with you. I know it’s hard, but you’ll get there. IMHO; I don’t tell all my friends about being depressed (they wouldn’t understand anyways), but I’ve stopped wearing a mask before them a long time ago / take me for who I am.
That brings me to the next point; Stop being insecure. You have every right to live and every right to say whatever the hell you want in this world. “Undeservingly?” Why? Untrusting in the universe? How does that work? Last time I checked everything worked logical in the universe. Maybe a bit random some times, but hell, that’s life. Wasting space? aren’t we all? How do you define a “waste of space”? It always boils down to the same things.
You are not alone; You are not the only one dealing with these kind of struggles and yeah, if you want we could exchange mailaddresses. I do think however that it would be slightly smarter to find people in your close neighbourhood (there are lots and lots of them).
Last but not least; If you feel like you don’t belong anywhere while you move every 4 years; that might be a good sign to stop moving. Getting to know people requires on average a lot more than 4 years. Ow, and sorry for my bad enlish, not my native tongue.
Kind regards,
name
This is a big one:
Nice Name. Thanks for that elaborate feedback, i’ll get back at you para by para:
Convinced Atheist: But there is a theory you do believe in? Or are you agnostic too? Anyway, the scale which i’m looking at is none larger than my individual, who i am, what i am, and what i will become, even after death. Its like getting an education for a better career, a better career for economic stability. Why economic stability? So that we can just postpone our inevitable destiny, death and the void beyond? If you fight a battle only to postpone a loss, without any possibility to win or even be remembered afterwards, then who would fight? Unnamed lives would be taken, and after you fall “with honor in battle” the only thing that remains would be a +1 in the death toll. Is that why we live, why we study, why we eat, is it all just to become a dead pile of bodies? You might say, why look at whats happening in the extreme end, why dont you just look at the journey. Its true, you gain much more from the journey than the reward, but the only gain that matters is what remains, whatever way you might do anything, be it math, or archaeology or teaching, the only thing that passes on and remains is the result and its test of time. And we know that everything fails in the test of time, whatever you do, or leave behind, it will crumble. There has to be something that remains, something that is unchanged.
logical order: Nope, FPS is not my thing, i play a wide genre of games too, RTS, turn based strategy, sandbox, RPG, simulation, etc. Apparently, there s rarely ever someone who has my stamina for mental conflict, most have less than 3 seconds before they crack yet another joke, or scoff at it as inappropriate to discuss. Among my friends, i talk about social issues, issues which are very controversial (because i just don’t get them, like terrorism, gender inequality, intra-religious conflict like that in muslims). Most of my friends do not know about these issues, because they’re geeks , they know gadgetry, they know at most national politics, but its rarely ever that they apply their brains and open their minds to these issues. This is where the brainpower needs to go. Sometimes i feel like, my mental power is way beyond my friends and even my comprehension, hence there is no development of skillset, just stagnation and following the flock.
Socially Accepted: To be frank, i’m an introvert. The place where i am and my parents have directed me to today, is an elite institution. I’m among people who talk math, science, not english. When they read the news, they research sports and gadgetry, not politics(i’m more interested about international politics rather than national). But these guys are also smart, perhaps as smart as me, perhaps better, but all of them wanna get rich. About the mask, i frequently hide me from myself, i have given up trying to know who i am, am i the guy who talks to people, does whatever peers generally do, loses control easily, or am i the guy who sits in gloom, thinks, thinks harder, in multiple ways and possibilities, and considers social interaction only a way to get things clearer for me and to open the mind of the opponent. Bothering too much about other’s improvement usually gets us killed earlier.
Next point: I know, i am insecure. I can’t seem to find how you came to that conclusion. Undeservingly because most of the guys here have attempted suicide, i haven’t, not even close. My max was perhaps throwing my frail little 10 year old self towards the wall and beating my 12 year old self with a pillow. Ohh yes, and a logical order to the universe. I don’t know how deep you’ve been in physics, but i’ll tell you something, we still dont have a concrete idea whats going on here, scientists are still working on that. They say a lot of things over the top to convince the media they’re awesome. One thing i’ve realised though, there is magic, everywhere, everything is a trick, for those who cannot predict them. And by waste of space, my parents are good planners and have a lot of backup, i have a good brain and I am in an elite institution by virtue of said brain. If somebody else was in my seat, he would’ve been happy, made his parents happy, happy happy happy, happy. Rather than me, who doesnt call his parents for weeks, who doesnt talk to his friends, who sits and tries to solve himself and others, or most of the time divert this mind of his into movies and games.
Not alone: Sure, we should, is there a PMing system in this website? Ohh and my neighbourhood is damn small. I know, i’ve realised it now that i’m not alone. But i have to crack this afterlife problem, i need to.
Moving: Well, not much of an option there, daddy’s job is such 🙁 Lol, nvm, i learnt my native language after a learnt english, and i learnt both of these much after i learnt the language of wherever i was born. My english is bumpy too.
Thanks again 😀