Yep. Maybe it’s because I have so many things wrong with me. I’m not hiding behind them, I like to think not, anyway. I’m true to my feelings, and am kind of brutal sometimes. Usually, I say what’s on other people’s minds. I feel bad. I can’t figure myself out. I’m mean to those who intimidate me, and sometimes, I’m just mean for no reason – usually when I’m manic – which is no excuse. I don’t forgive those who have hurt because I’m afraid they’ll only do it again. I’m afraid. I’m afraid of everything. I wish I was pre-rape me. I was super young, but I had ambition! I was moving along in life like any other kid my age. But then I was raped, and all of that exploded into a wasteland of dread, anxiety, and lots of depression. I became a shell of myself, not able to trust, not able to appreciate things in life anymore, not to say I’m not better now, but at my core I’m still afraid. I still dread.
School is tomorrow for me, and I haven’t the slightest clue of how I’m going to find the motivation to make it there. I bought my uniform with a friend and everything, but now it’s time to actually get there, to do everything I said I was going to do, and it’s killing me. I hate this, I really do.
I wish I was another person. Someone who could handle life. Someone who could get out there without all the dread, without all the fear and depression, or at the very least, someone who could put all of that stuff behind them long enough to get things done. I like to sulk in my despair, allowing it to control me, so all I want to do is stay locked in my room, while someone else takes care of me.
Maybe I feel so ugly because my attitude to others can be that way. Maybe if I treat everyone with respect and give them the love and care that I’d want, maybe then I’d look at myself in a mirror and truly love who I see.
With that said, I’m sorry to everyone who I was every mean to on the forum. Yes, even orphaner-coolscar. I love you all very much; like a family of unique individuals I truly wish I had in real life. <3
6 comments
You need to forgive yourself TwistedSpace. I hope this helps. http://itsalwaysdarkestb4dawn.blogspot.com/2014/08/the-first-step-to-self-recovery.html
I appreciate the link. 🙂
TwistedSpace I think we just may have more than a few things in common like you said on my very fist post ….
That’s amazing. Sorry for being mean to you the other day. *Hugs* 🙂
*hugs back*
For whatever it’s worth at least you’re attempting school … I think that’s a huge step! I hope things go better than you think they will.. I’ll be keeping up with your posts seeing if you say anything about it all! Much luck!
Thanks so much, I appreciate it. I’ll keep you posted.