When I was a kid, everything was fine. Life seemed to special and worth it but as I grew up, all of that faded. As things started going a different way then what I had planned, I began to see the reality of this world. I am nothing more than trillions and trillions of cells smashed together with emotions attached. As much as I’ve cried my eyes out wishing there was a “god” or ANYONE for that matter that would save me. things have only gotten worse. I wish I was ignorant like 90% of the world that thinks our existence is worth anything. You live, suffer as much as you can, then die. I guess the only beautiful thing about life is that it ends at some point. The suffering ends.
I was diagnosed with testicular cancer in March of this year. I lost one of my testicles, went through 3 rounds of chemotherapy, and had another BIG surgery which I would’ve been okay without. Yeah, I had major surgery for basically no fucking reason. Now theres a huge 12 inch scar that shoots down my abdomen along with stretch marks from when I was really fat when I was younger. Completely disgusting. I completely regret everything I did as far as the treatment goes. One thing most of you guys don’t know about cancer is that, it’s a multi billion dollar industry. That’s why there’s no cure. Just the poison they give you called chemotherapy. I have so much regret that I can’t even look at my reflection. So me being so down about my appearance + my realistic way of thinking = the question I ask myself everyday: Why do I continue to waste my time on Earth?
The only reason I haven’t killed myself yet is because I’m trying to get my parents to hate me so it won’t be so hard on them. I realize suicide impacts everyone. But I CANNOT continue living like this simply because they want me here. I have to get some legal matters in order beforehand. That’s another reason I can’t do it yet.
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This is probably going to sound stupid, and I realise that, but just hear me out… Sometimes when I feel like maybe everything is pointless, I like to just sit and think. I like to think about how amazing everything is. You’re trillions of tiny cells smushed together, as you say. How amazing is that? I like to think about how much effort the universe went to to create each of those cells and then to create you; an individual that’s so unique; every aspect of you from the hairs on your head to the sadness in your heart. That scar on your abdomen, how amazing is it that your body created that in order to heal you. The cancer that it both created and fought off; imagine watching that take place inside your body with a microscope.
I know that all sounds so stupid, but when I feel like things are insignificant, I just like to take a step outside myself and connect to another side of things. Worth sharing I thought.
I think what Sparkle Dolls was quite interesting and kinda nice to hear, especially from a different perspective.
“I wish I was ignorant like 90% of the world that thinks our existence is worth anything.”
I wouldn’t call this 90% of the world ignorant. I mean just becuase they may differ in ideologies or personal philosophies from your it doesn’t make you any better or less than them. Just becuase this other 10% who are “enlightened” becuase they figured life is devoid of meaning, doesn’t make them any more than everyone else.
Even if there are no gods, other realms of existence and an overall purpose to this existence, we still can not negate the fact that we still exist regardless.
Might as well make the best of nothing becuase its gonna be nothing after this.
#NihillismKills