The life becomes unbearably painful for me. I’m slowly losing it.
Everything was just as I always wanted it to be. That is, until the third year of college. I did two faculties simultaneously and I started running out of time, sleeping less and receiving not-perfect grades because of that. Then I failed one exam. That completely broke me.
Suddenly problems appeared, all at once. Problems with being gay and not accepting myself because of it (I never loved anyone and never been with anyone, I consider staying in closet forever), with trust, self-esteem, need of approval, enormous stress, problems with physical appearance, money, family and friends relations. Realizing I won’t be able to fulfill all my dreams, maybe not even one.
Went from perfect optimist straight to cynic. Started briefly drinking and smoking, skipped classes, wandered around the house aimlessly, shut myself from the outside world, stopped dealing with everyday activities (like laundry, shopping). But still pretended everything is okay in front of my friends and family. Because of that I think I’ve developed many mental disorders.
That’s probably when I made the biggest mistake: I convinced myself everything would be good if only I grew a beard. Started working out and eating healthy. Seven months later and I’m rewarded with a sloppy goatee and sideburns. I’m just devastated.
I should have gotten bachelor’s degree this year, but because of skipping classes and procrastinating I’ve failed some of them. I have to pay quite big sum of money to repeat failed classes, but I’m not sure if I will be able to study in this condition. I don’t believe in myself and my abilities, so I probably won’t find a job either.
Every day is full of new disappointments, more stress and worrying about the future I messed up. Nothing makes me happy, even things I always enjoyed. Food is tasteless, I eat because I know I have to. It hurts so much I can’t sleep at night.
I’ve seriously been thinking about killing myself for a month now, so I guess this is a cry for help…? I don’t believe in God, so please don’t tell me to pray.
3 comments
First off, shave. Please. As for the rest of your problems the solution perhaps are not so simple. Life throws curve balls, and depression is one that smacks everyone in the forehead for a knock out. Talk to a friend, rant, see a doctor about some antidepressants, Trazadone is a good one and it’s a great sleep aid. You’ve been thinking about killing yourself. Do you know how you’d do it, the precise steps for success? If not, that’s good. Suicide becomes a mentality, and even if everything is going swimmingly the thoughts still come round every day. You’re crying out for help, you don’t know how good that is. Read some posts and there is no hope or desire for hope. We are the broken and the sad and the used and abused. We search for sweet reprise in death, you search for it in living. Good luck, carry on, take only as much as you can handle. Peace.
You need the lard in your life! Kidding. Look, take care of yourself. Even if it seems like a chore. Go meet someone who can support you. That doesn’t mean go around bitching to everyone about your problems and expecting them to love you. Don’t be a man whore, don’t act like a total virgin, and you should eventually find someone who can love you for who you are. Support, not take care of your grown ass. Please know the difference. Okay? Okay.
Thank you guys, I really needed to hear that.
I’m full of hope and I’ve started fixing my life. May we never meet here again.