Once life was good. I was happy. Happy enough. But I ruined it. Now my days are spent in silence, alone, dreaming of the past, wishing for it all to have turned out differently. I despise the present of long awful days lost in sadness. I dread the hopelessness infecting every second of every day. I’ve tried to be happy since. I have moments of contentment, of distraction, but it never lasts. I spend all my time alone, afraid, anxious, and miserable. I cry often. I sob and I pace with my hands cradling my head. All my joy is gone. Any passion I once had has long since passed. I look forward to nothing.
Few know this about me. Strangers might imagine I’m happy because I’m friendly, because I smile and I laugh on occasion. I wear my mask. But the smile is false and the laughter hollow. As soon as I turn away the smile fades into bitter darkness.
I can’t go on like this much longer. This isn’t living. It’s barely existing. I think of suicide constantly. I have my plan. I no longer care how it will affect others. The pain far outweighs any thoughts of guilt.
Soon…
I look forward to oblivion.
3 comments
Oblivion … somehow that’s more appealing to me than heaven.
I understand that I too, having put a smile on my face so others wont notice. Its painful enough living like this let alone having to fake it all is fine.
I don’t look forward to it, but it’s most likely the best option available to me. george westinghouse memorial bridge if i decide to go I will go there. Statistically speaking it’s most likely better than even the golden gate bridge since you are hitting the ground not water. I will drink a bottle of some vodka and take that plunge. It seems like it’s going to come to that anyway with the way my life is going.