Watching football this weekend and joking with SP posters about it was a nice distraction to the tormenting in my head. I still can’t think beyond Monday but I did take my meds tonight… I even contacted a few doctors. I don’t fucking know. I stop myself every time I think about the future. I don’t have the energy to fix my life after 3 years of hell… deferring grad school twice. There is no way my brain can recover in time to restart grad school in January.
Thanks guys… I didn’t feel so alone today.
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Yes, distractions are exactly what we need sometimes. 🙂 I can understand about the school stuff. I dropped out of my program (unfortunately I didn’t even get a bachelors degree), and I’d been thinking of returning to another school, but there aren’t any in my area that appeal to me. Plus, I don’t know if I can actually *focus* on school. I enjoy learning, but taking six demanding courses at once, or something, isn’t easy. I used to be a go-getter (sorta), now I just feel like a slacker. *sigh*
On the bright side, Denver is playing Seattle next Sunday. Last year I was a huge Seahawks fan, but now my loyalty is with the 49ers. Still, after the last Super Bowl, this will be a very interesting showdown. (I’ll need to be at a bar that is simultaneously airing the SF versus Arizona game [4:05 PM ET] and the Broncos/Seahawks game [4:25 PM ET].)
Sounds like good games. I can’t even think that far ahead. Yeah, I started for a few months but had a terrible time focusing, remembering and committing thoughts to paper. My mood was really good but my brain failed me. For me, when I am suicidal it takes a long time for the brain to recover and heal. A long damn time.
Understandable. You mentioned Monday – what’s happening tomorrow?
I’m planning to drive into a wall.
Yikes. Do you think that would kill you? It might just severely injure you.
If you do that around security cameras and survive, you’ll be put under mental health surveillance for a very long time. (They’ll figure out you did it purposely.)
I hope I wouldn’t survive. I would prefer a gun but since I have 5150s and 5250s, I am not allowed to own or possess a gun ever in the USA. The 5150 prohibits me for 5 years in California and the 5250 prohibits me in CA for 5 years plus lifetime in the USA. I know you can get guns illegally online but it would be just my luck that I try to buy a gun from an undercover cop… Then I have a record and will be even more screwed…
Still Lost, I feel bad about keep commenting on your posts but I feel I have to. I believe you want to keep going, you say you contacted a few doctors so you must, to even a small degree, want to at least try. I know you are confused and lack energy and have had enough and I can’t say it’ll get better for you because life is unpredictable. I just feel if one of the doctors you have contacted can work for you then it might be the one small thing that keeps you away from the edge. They might not be like your previous MD but may give you enough to feel you can continue, it’s worth a try? If it’s not to be then I hope you find another way to end it and find that peace, but I’ll be back later. Ni.
Thanks nias. I’m just done.
I’m sorry and sad but I understand, you have tried everything, if only there was a way forward you could see, at least you know there are people here who do care. I’d like you to consider another method, something less unpredictable. I wish you the peace you so deserve. I’d love you to return tomorrow and we’ll be here for you if you do. Ni.
Still Lost, in one of your other threads you said something that caught my attention – namely, that the way things were going you felt that your only option is to go on disability and resign yourself to being considered a failure by your family.
First, remove your family from the equation. It’s normal that their opinions would matter to you, but for the moment, and even the foreseeable future, what they think is irrelevant.
As for disability, have you considered that that might not be such a bad thing? It might give you some time to slow down, take a breather, focus on getting better, doing things you enjoy, making yourself feel good, and healing from all the shit you’ve been plagued with the past few years. It might also make you eligible for resources that aren’t available to you now. Just something to consider.
I’m glad you were able to find some relief this weekend : ) Keep coming around, see if it continues..
Hey Lost. All good points. With the exception of the past 6 months, I’ve been in lots of treatments. I’ve done everything while not working: ECT, DBT, PHP, meds, twice weekly DBT therapy plus Weekly with MD. I don’t care at all about my family. Fuck them. The last straw was my MD abandoning me 6 months ago. Now she won’t even reslond to me. I’m done. Fucknthem all. Thanks for your thoughts… I’m too far gone now and truly trued everything possible to get better. Apparently, I can’t get better
+ I hope you can hang on as well, nights are the worst for me, all my past failures came back and haunt me and thoughts of the future turns to thinking ‘what’s the point’, but the point is, things can change, I hope you’ll consider this and try and remain positive.
I’ve put this on the wrong post, sorry.
Will be thinking of you at this time Still Lost.