No purpose… why do I bother?

When I was 15 I tried to kill myself. I was stressed about my home life, school, and my boyfriend and I were having issues. I spiraled so out of control and couldn’t see anything in my life but a giant black hole about to swallow me up. So I took a bunch of pills and downed a bottle of liquor. I called my boyfriend to say goodbye, and he called 911. I had to drink charcoal and I kept throwing up. I REALLY wanted to die then. But I didn’t.

I made it through. Times got HARDER after that, because of my attempt. I got send to the other side of the country, away from my already difficult relationship with my boyfriend, whom I thought was “the one”. He cheated on me with his ex and left me for another girl within 6 months. That spiraled me out again, and I contemplated suicide for a second time. No attempt. I was in a funk for about 7 months, but finally snapped out of it thanks to some online friends.

It’s been 12 years since that initial suicide attempt, and I am soo thankful that I failed at 15. My life is far from perfect, always has been, and especially now. But if I had died then, I never would have known what real love is like, I never would have spent an amazing 10 years with my soulmate and best friend. I never would have known what life can really be like.

I know that right now it probably seems like nothing will ever get any better, but it’s not true. Your hormones and current situation are lying to you and making you feel like there’s no hope for a better tomorrow. There is. Life can get exponentially better starting in your late teens and early 20’s. You just gotta hold on a few more years. You can do it. It goes by much faster than you think. A few years. If I could survive, then surely you can too. There is so much to experience. The world really will be in the palm of your hands very soon. You just gotta hold on until the storm of teenagehood passes.

Once you’re legally allowed to make decisions for yourself and take care of yourself and essentially do whatever you want, things improve soooo quickly. Just hold on. Start planning for what you want to do with your life once you’re out of high school. If you wanna be a singer, sing, and damn the people who tell you to give up on it. If you wanna go to college start making a plan for which ones you wanna go for and what you might want to study. If you want to backback around Europe for a few months or years, start planning it out and researching what you want to see on your travels. Keep yourself busy, and keep yourself occupied with a goal for the future. YOUR goal, for YOUR future. Damn what anyone else wants or what they have planned for you. It’s your life. And in a few short years, you get full control over it.

Anytime you get sad or overwhelmed, just think about all the things that you want to do once you’re out on your own. That will get you through the tough days. It does get better.