On Death & Dying

The other day I was sitting on the public bus and I was feeling really sad, as usual recently. Before I got to the bus stop I was sweating because it was really hot outside and I was also really sad because I had looked at myself in the mirror and I had seen something I really didn’t like about myself and I didn’t like myself, not that I have ever truly liked myself. Anyway, when I was on the bus, I started looking at the scenery around me and I started thinking how ever since I was young I have always felt like I wanted to be anything but in the form of a human being. I wanted to the the trees, or the leaves, or the clouds, the sky. I wanted to be part of the scenery. I wanted to be anything but human. I got to thinking that we don’t get a choice when we are brought into this world, we are just born into it by probability … whatever religious affiliation people tie to that is their own conviction, yes, but I believe that to an extent (b/c i am also religious but not hardcore) it is probability. I was born into this world without asking for it. Why then, I thought, are we not given the choice to die? I thought that it’s because those around us would miss us tremendously and those who love us would grief and mourn for us…that is why death and suicide is so feared and given a bad name. I believe we should have a choice to continue living. I for one, at the moment in my life, don’t really want to continue living but I know that if I left this world, my family and friends would all miss me and grief for me and I would hurt them so much. But I think leaving my physical body doesn’t mean I would leave this world. I told someone special in my life that I would always be with them, maybe not in the way they would want me to, but I would be in nature…the way I have always wanted to be…I would choose this for myself…the way I wasn’t able to choose at birth. I was born, but I never asked to be a body, a human. Maybe given the choice, I believe I would have been better being another specimen. The point is, I would like the choice. Looking from here on into the future, it’s just a long time and I don’t know sometimes if I ever want to leave my bed or even my room…I like it in here. I have many great ideas for my future but at the same time they are dreams in my head that, if I wanted to really badly, can be implemented but sometimes I just don’t want to continue living on and on for years. I just want to be, not existing in a physical form anymore. I don’t think people should stop you (even if they would be so sad to see u gone) on your decisions. Sometimes death to me is the best idea for then I would be everywhere…I believe in an after life…but I fear the wrath my God would have …because maybe He would think I was ungrateful…but I hope He would understand. I’m sorry.

But in the end, I equate it to a long sleep. The type I get once I am in peace after a good meal and after knowing I am loved. An eternally peaceful and blissful sleep without pain. That is what I want…without the burden of being human.