So… I woke up and intended to kill myself today. I decided to give it one last shot with my MD who abandoned me. I sent her a text asking if there was a bed available at her hospital. That I was serious and was very genuinely asking for her help. Nothing provocative. Well, I had text her a bunch over the past few weeks asking when we can meet soon. Nothing provocative. But she wasn’t responding which was unusual so it created more distressed for me. Note: For those of you who haven’t read my posts, I have been through tons of treatment (ECT, […]
Monthly Archives
September 2014
So this is my letter… I don’t know when exactly I’m going to do it, but hopefully by next spring. PLEASE help me proofread this! I want to make sure my relatives understand my decision and can go on without me. I’m 21.
Dear mom,
I know this will hurt you for as long as you live. I don’t know what to say to ease the pain I’m going to cause, but I know that ‘sorry’ changes little. Though I will tell you why I did this, I know you’ll still be overwhelmed, confused, and hurt. Everything that was going through my head before I did […]
Well, wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t at the end of my figurative rope. What do you do, if life just ain’t… fun… anymore? Nobody gives a damn about you. You got nobody to vent to, to talk to… Except the anonymity of the internet… Sure, your sick dad, wife, and kids all DEPEND on you… But they take you for granted day after day. And your elderly dad, you realize, never did jack shit for you… You were an inconvenience to him and your mother…an accident, she gladly told you her whole life. He never took time off from work for you, yet now […]
I can’t seem to do it. I have adhd. I get jobs and I try hard and in the end it’s always the same. I’m not going to kill myself because I know how it would screw up my kids, but I really want to die. I thought this time would be different. I got an ADHD coach, and I worked harder than I ever have to keep everything together. I loved my work. I kept a positive attitude.
i feel so hopeless. I’m so tired of feeling defeated. What’s it like to be good at something? Yes I want to kill myself. I just can’t.
lots […]
I have never really written anything for anyone else to read before… to tell you the truth… I am not sure if this is a good idea. But I am going to try.
I was diagnosed with severe depression when I was 15. By the age of 20, I was on and off 12 different anti-psychotics, anti depressants, and anxiety medication. I was hospitalized seven times for suicide attempts.
They then told me I have what is called Borderline Personality Disorder. With Major depression. I am now 23.
I just… I hate myself so much. I became impulsive, after my boyfriend of six years and I broke up, […]
Everyday I Wake Up and Its Just Another Day I Wanna Die ,Who Am I .?Whats Life When It Doesn’t Have A Meaning To It Anymore..I Never Had A Good Life ..From Being Bully in School from Coming Home To Abuse.. Never Feeling Love but Someone Was Feeling Love Under My Dresses and Skirts ..I Cry Just About Everyday and I Ask God To Take The Pain Away..But He Aint Hearing Nothing IGot To Say..I’m Confused On EveryThing ..No One Understands What I Go Through..I Gave Out More Love Then I Was Giving..I Never Seem To Accomplish Any Goal In Life ..Feel Like A Curse […]
I worked myself stupid last year for an organization that was going under. I literally spent 56 hours working with no breaks and no sleep. You would think that the women who profited from my work, would spare an hour to come to my birthday celebration? Fuck. They don’t even have to come for an hour. Just show up and say hi. That’s all. I really wish I could articulate how hurt I am that I will be spending my 21st birthday…alone. What is the point of working hard on relationships if there is no gain to them? Why kill myself worrying over if i’m […]
It all started when I was in 7th grade. I was a fat harmless lol girl who always minded her own business. Then all of a sudden everyone started calling me really hurtful names like trash , fat , whale , fat ***** , fat ass. They would always tell me that I wasn’t pretty enough and they would tell me to kill my self that no one would miss me. Id run home crying Locked my self in my room and got the blade and cut my legs and stomach where they wouldn’t see because I didn’t want them to see that I was hurting […]
I am suddenly compelled to post this. Maybe someone other than me needs to see it, I don’t really know. But I follow my intuitions, trouble or not.
-peace
Sitting here now writing strangers in the same boat feels a little odd to me. I was not intending to be here, but want to put it out there now that I am. I’m 42, dealing with chronic neck and back pain for the last 10 years. Co-pay after Co-pay it never gets better unless I’m drugged. Drugs are turning me into mush and procedures fail to elevate the pain. I’ve been thinking about this for some time, I feel at peace with my decisions. I’m getting closer to a reality that has been a spark growing for some time. I’m ready and […]
… the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
… the courage to change the things I can
… the wisdom to know the difference
And the courage to blow my fucking head off.
I was foolish to think that I could have a happy birthday. In what world would I ever deserve one day where nothing went wrong? One day where I could feel happy and celebrate 21 years of surviving depression, anxiety, and just overall shitty life? No. It would be my last huge milestone birthday that would just take the cake. No pun intended… Happy fucking 21st birthday to me! Complete with family drama, friends telling me I’m a piece of shit, and being spat on for trying to help. I am so sorry world. If I am that much of a disappointment and hassel, I’ll […]
My best friend is a silver tongued devil, he made me an addict to him. I can’t seem to get away from him at all. He tells me to slide him across my skin when no one is around. I don’t know why it feels so good. I’m addicted…addicted to the release I get from it. I always have him and if I don’t I’m carrying a pencil.
I don’t understand why I’m treated like total crap, no one notices me ever. If I’m noticed they see me in a corner with my hood up. I sit silent not wanting to be beaten up again […]
I can’t handle it anymore, i just want to end my life, I’m a mess, and I’m a mean person with everyone I love.
My dad just die in 2011, and it hits me so hard, and I was so angry, because he never was there for me, even after all, I loved him, he’s my dad and I just wanted him with me to protect me.
I almost commit suicide because of that, and it didn’t happen because I was afraid, I’m still afraid.
After three years, now my mom has a boyfriend and he’s a kind person, he has two daughters, the younger one is so […]
Hi again all you humans. Its been awil since I last posted. But today I randomly felt like I should… well what ive decided on saying is this… this is my messege of hope to every one out there. Don give up. Sometimes things might take awil to get better or change. They might never change. But we have to keep fighting. Oblivion is inevitable people. Early or late it happens… we cant change that… there are many reasons a person could feel these ways. We feel… lose of a loved one. Child hood abuse. bullies. Hating yourself. Negetivity. Etc. Milions of reasons. I might […]
Reality is boring & LIMITED !!
Real life is boring & LIMITED !!
Real world is boring & LIMITED !!
I also hate this life, I hate people / humans (well.. MOST/90% of them), I hate reality, I hate this world.
its very BORING !! and especially nowadays become ONLY very materialistic, money / profits driven only, all about money, money, money, & image, image, image! ; it’s very superficial, shallow, and mundane boring!
Why movies, video games, comics, books, novels, anime/manga, creative Art, basically human’s IMAGINATION & fantasy is often/always a hundred times FAR much more interesting & better than this sad, mundane, boring, superficial, […]
i don’t know what to do anymore, i really don’t wanna die, but i want the pain to go away. i just don’t know how to do it without commiting suicide. please someone, help me i really need help. but i don’t get any. people around me always just run away from me. i don’t know what i have ever done to them.
i normaly cut everyday but i’m trying to stop, bc i almost died once of it. i didnt meant to do that, but i was so angry at myself that i did it to deep. i really don’t wanna put myself in that […]
I decided to not kill myself and face what the hackers and their coalition have in store for me. I have actually been praying, and asking god for forgiveness for being such a messed up human. The Coalition of hackers and people they got to their side from hacking tricks, deception, and me simply being manic are in the process of trying to get me thrown in jail. Ironic as it is considering how I was being hacked and harassed and all, but it is what it is. I hope if there is a god he can see despite all of my flaws that deep […]
i cry
and scream
whenever i come crashing down
from my high.
it’s the disorder-
the disease-
that pushes me
taunts me
backs me up into a corner
until one day
i’ll crash down
so hard
i’ll end up a corpse
because that’s exactly what my mind wants.
it’s fucking sick,
i hate the mocking
and the teetering off the edge
and i don’t know
if i’ll ever be able to reach that day
where i can give a big fuck you
Xorn
-beat at 55-
I need to find camaraderie, today. I walk because I die.
I got a grand a month, I’ll buy the wagon.
Take this book of true-dire and let me live freely like you.
Godmother of Mercy. Sister of Seraphim. Brother of Crusader.
A chained black-beast of ‘Heaven and Hell’.
Do not ever forsaken, “Salvation.”
Someone bust the next wrap, we can probably make at least a ‘thou’.
Don’t leave here thy no longer; like a bird, you can open my cage.
Pure alchemy, fortress; fortify my iron-chain of fate, vowed to the death.
The faithfulness of it’s mankind, the fidelity and homage for the undead.
I need to explode in golden-fire from the die.
‘Comrade Of True Life; arrive, awaken’
(2x)