Part of my diagnosis is PTSD. I didn’t know that until today’s session. What else do I have to fucking work through?
end rant
Monthly Archives
September 2014
I have been hesitating on texting his aunt for help… but I had a dream about him last night… and woke up crying. got in the shower, still crying, and the whole time I was in there, I just kept saying ‘i have to text sam. I have to have help in getting him out of that situation’ so I texted her this
Sam..this is ali. I am super worried about ryan. I know I saw in his phone he told you he was done with me… I went to visit him over a month ago.. we reconciled… them he went flip floppy on […]
Sometimes I wonder, do I really love you?
Or am I just too used to spending time with you? Or that I’m just attracted to that charisma in you?
I don’t know. Everywhere I go, I try to avoid you, but yet, I still want to see you, even if it means catching only a glimpse of you.
I know you’ll still be there for me. But I don’t know if I’ll be there for you.
But I still miss ya.
Letter to nobody
I have been started to write a letter or something similar about my thoughts maybe someone will understand the pain inside
I am an immigrant from east, arrived in Belgium for a better life, but the things did not work that way, they just went down the drain slowly. I work in a computer store, giving other people advices about how to run computers, fixing it problems something like .it was fun at the beginning because this is a thing I like to do the whole it thing, but slowly it is not working anymore.
My wife and I arrived in Belgium to make a […]
“Can you see that I am needing
And begging for so much more
Than you could ever give?”
I miss you so terribly.
How i fricking miss you and your texts. How i fricking miss how we talked for hours. How you came after me. How we liked each other. How we would go home together. How you would ***** about her to me. Now tables have turned. Im lonely. You are with her. Everywhere. So close. I never was. So physically close. Do you like that. But i didnt want to freak you out. I could have flirted with you the way she always does. But i didnt want to be her. But now you prefer her dont you. You dont even say hi. You fricking dont […]
When I was a kid, everything was fine. Life seemed to special and worth it but as I grew up, all of that faded. As things started going a different way then what I had planned, I began to see the reality of this world. I am nothing more than trillions and trillions of cells smashed together with emotions attached. As much as I’ve cried my eyes out wishing there was a “god” or ANYONE for that matter that would save me. things have only gotten worse. I wish I was ignorant like 90% of the world that thinks our existence is worth anything. You […]
I had a real bad night last night. Barely got any sleep cos of these withdrawl symptoms I’m having.
I have been on Cymbalta for the past 5 years. The first doc who put me on it didnt care. So I ended up monitoring myself. I then learned from the 3rd doc I went to that I was taking well over the recommended maximum dosage-120mg I was taking 240mg most days! That was a clue that it wasnt working. So over the next 3yrs I tapered down to 60mg. Now my doc (the 8th doctor ive seen) has finally listened to me after nearly a year […]
In my recent story I told people that I was used, but in reality I was using them to feel pleasure, but when it came to having feelings for them, they turned me down. Karma does come around quick. I’ve been out of college for almost 8 months. I didn’t get a job after for what I majored on, instead I worked seasonal at Target. I’ve met cool people. After those 90 days passed, I feel like there’s no point to live. I feel all alone. People don’t bother texting, and if they do is because a guy is horny and wants to have sex. […]
Hi guys. I’ve been reading a lot of the stories here about suicide and depression and I can relate to nearly every single one.
I’m 21 years of age and for the last 2 years I’ve been severely depressed and thinking about suicide nearly every single day. I’ve tried killing myself a few times to no avail obviously with tablets and trying out hanging. I took my mums heart disease tablets and blood pressure tablets which she didn’t need anymore and forgot they were in a cupboard. There was so many of them I needed to drink a litre of water to flush them […]
I’ve come to hate the daylight. As much as I hate loneliness, being alone in the dark late at night feels so much more secure. I guess that is the time when people can’t mess with me as much – they’re all off in their dreams and resting. I don’t sleep much anymore anyway; except sometimes during the day when it serves the purpose of keeping the rest of the world away from me.
It’s a bad thing to do I know. Isolation feeds depression and anxiety, but I know myself well enough to know that I won’t always choose what’s right just because I know […]
Lately my thoughts are filled with my death…weather it be by my own hands, another or some freak accident.
ive always been suicidal, since a very young age and I’ve been in and out of ‘mental institutions’ since I was 13…I’m now 18. Nothing helps anymore…I feel like the weight of the world is holding my down. I try looking to things or people I love and know will be hurt by my death but even that’s not helping.
i can’t sleep anymore, I’m so scared of everything. I’m scared someone will break in and hurt my family. I’m scared of even the tiniest things.
Hell my dog […]
I saw an updated photo of my ex. I kind of miss him. I wish things were like they were before – when we actually got along. When we weren’t at each others throats. I loved him, and while seeing that picture of him today, I realized I still do. It makes me regret what I said about his mother that much more. I didn’t mean it, but it was still a low blow. He was mad at me at the time – we were fighting about something, and he said something that had offended me. I don’t remember what it was, it must have […]
Today was my first day of school. I was really worried about how everything would turn out. It’s not the worst school in the world, but there are some really messy situations you can find yourself in if you aren’t careful. I’m usually pretty safe, but there are kids who are in local gangs, and it doesn’t take much to piss them off. One kid was beaten up for wearing a wristband that was a rival gang color, and he wasn’t even in a gang! I’m happy there’s a uniform code this year.
Anyhow, things were better than I thought they would be for the most […]
I had a good friend commit suicide 5 years ago. I love and miss you Amber. I know you have found peace.
Give me your thoughts.
I always say I am keeping my suicide card in my pocket in case all else fails. I always tell myself once things have gone too far or are unbearable I will have a way out. In the past it has given me the courage I needed to take a chance or operate outside of my comfort zone. Today is one of the days where I think about cashing it in and making use of the “card”. Nothing is easy I get that. Living isn’t easy but neither is dying. Attempts at either option can make matters worse. I truly am trying very hard to […]
One of my biggest problems is I believe what people tell me. I want to believe them because they tell me what I want to hear. I hate being suspicious of someone’s intentions. I hate having faith that the next time will be different only to find out it’s not. I loathe myself. I often wonder if I would be better off if I re-discovered my inner “*****”. After I watched both my parents die of cancer (in the same year) I got soft. Too soft, I have too much compassion and tolerance because I know everyone is fighting their own battle. Even if they […]
I haven’t been able to stop the tears from rolling today. Driving out to pick up my kids I almost slammed into a semi full of fuel but didn’t and then had a second chance to pull right out in front of one doing 70mph. I’m sure that would’ve done the trick and it would have been an accident so my kids would still get the life insurance. But I hadn’t seen my babies for a week and I couldn’t leave them without one last hug and kiss goodbye. Today I confided in the guy that seems to be the root of my demons only […]
I don’t know what I am supposed to do. That’s what I’ve boiled down all my twisted, suppressing, diminishing thoughts into. I’m not content with what I have, or what I’m working towards in regards to my life and career. I’ll be able to live happily, comfortably, and better than some. Not that I’m saying I’ll be rich but I wont be living on the streets either. Somehow that’s not enough for me, I know it’s not just jealously or envy pushing me down since I’ve been in this state before, or should I say most of the time.
I go through what I call ‘my […]