Recent Events

First, I’d like to say that I’ve never used a website like this before. I’m sort of nervous about posting this, even though that sounds kind of ridiculous. Recent events have led me here.

I’m going to say as much as I can without saying too much.

Basically, I’m fourteen, I’m a freshman in high school, and I’ve been suicidal since the sixth grade. I’ve attempted suicide three times and I’ve been self-harming since I was ten. I’ve been hospitalized more times than I can count on one hand and I’ve been through inpatient care once. Along with that, I go to therapy, I see a psychiatrist, and I used to go to group therapy. I’ve been diagnosed with major depression with atypical features, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and body dysmorphic disorder. Basically, these past few years have been complete hell and a lot has happened.

I’m nearing the end of my fourth day of freshman year. Over these past four days, I’ve realized a lot.

I’m afraid to keep living. I’m sinking so deep into depression and anxiety that I cry in the morning because I don’t want to live another 24 hours. I can’t focus, I can’t think clearly, I never feel fully awake, I feel like I’m stuck in a fucking nightmare. I have a killer headache from crying hysterically this morning. My thoughts are floating around my head and they aren’t making any sense, so excuse me if any of this doesn’t make sense. This all feels unfair, how I’m told to keep going and keep suffering and keep quiet about it so that everyone around me can act like it’s just not happening. My parents are tired of my crying, they’re tired of me hanging up notes on my door about how sad I am and how I was afraid to tell them, they’re tired of getting calls from my school to pick me up. They’ve recently told me that I need to basically stop being a moody, depressed, anxious teenage wreck and be normal. I need to go out, make friends, join clubs, and act like the past few years have never happened. I’ve never been so frustrated in my life. But this is never going to end, because I’m going to keep getting worse. I don’t have a choice as to whether or not I go to school. I can’t just not go to school when I have an anxiety attack.

It never ends. I’ve lost most of my will to keep fighting this. I don’t know if I can keep fighting. I’ve basically given up everything.

So I’m going to post this, and I’m probably going to take a shower a little bit later and go to bed. I’m going to get up, cry, and not tell anyone this time, so I don’t get into any trouble like I did today. And I’m going to keep dragging my lifeless body to school and home again until I eventually off myself.

It’s an inevitability at this point.

It’s a matter of time.