UGH. I hate myself so much right now. I had a lot of things going for me, an interesting job, a good education, friends….
But instead of being able to appreciate anything, I blew everything up in my face. I quit my job at the last minute (it was abroad), and have been hiding out in my room like a little *****. I’m just so depressed. And it’s happened before. It’s always so up and down. Left and right. I wish I had a better way of describing it than just, wow I fucked up. And I can’t take it back. I just hate myself and my incessant penchant for fucking myself over. And forgetting anything and everything that is good about my life. Because right now it feels like nothing and I don’t know how I’m going to get myself out of the pathetic stupid hole I’ve dug myself into. i’m just so ashamed and I’m increasingly starting to feel like a burden to everyone around me. what’s the point. I spend my days staring at the wall, or going to the shitty job i’ve managed to find, or looking up ways to kill myself. I just want to fix it. fix me. but I can’t. i’ve tried before and i just keep ending up in the same position. if it was external at least i could leave and try to outrun my enemy. but mine is inside, eating away at everything good that i’ve worked for, pulling me into the abyss. i try to get away but i can’t i just can’t and i’m so so so tired of trying. i’m so unsure of everything right now.
i just want the noise and the voices to stop.