Its funny. I did not ever think Id write on this blog. But eventually I have to. I felt so down ever since I was child, I am introverted. Last year I found a person who made me life a happy life, but temporarily. Many has changed, but eventually Misery, my love, found me once again. Im having these depressions and I have no idea what to do. Everytime I feel like this, I wanna quit. Die, sacrifice, doesnt matter. Wouldnt fight back at all. But then I wake up and my brain tells me “You will try again”. I dont want it to. I wanna pass… to next level. Maybe I am already dead, but I dont want to be helped. I wanna make it through.
Causes of my depressions? Parents, most likely. Mom made me perfectionist, always told me there are no friends in real life. So I always held my back off friends, never really spending much time with them, telling them anything. But that paid off. They liked me, they spent much time with me, they always told me their problems. And I’ve always listened. They liked it.
But for my entire life I wanted a partner. But cause of my introversion, I was often laughed at school. I wanted to be loved, but there was no one to love me. The girls would always laugh at me, they would always pass me. Schoolmates would watch me being beat and ashamed. I was just their sheep. Okay, i stood up to that, but It cant be changed. After many tries, the fate abandoned me, but I found this partner. I try love her and she loves me much, but I am having retroactive jealousy and feel like she is more experienced in sex than me, causing me daily depressions. I cant break up with her, cause there is no girl to love me as much as her. The girls dont like me, they never did. And I hate my gender.
I am alone
Ive always been alone
No one ever helped me
Mom broke my conciousness
Shame on me, hit me, laugh at me. You’ll make me feel better. Please. Thank you.