In the end I know two things that are completely and utterly true; that I do not matter, and that I am not enough. All my life I have felt completely and utterly alone, and this is partly my doing. I pushed away my friends and I isolated myself because I didn’t want them to get hurt when I inevitably killed myself; and I am finding that I am once again feeling this way. I cannot take the pain anymore, and my life will never get any better if it hasn’t even marginally improved over the last eight years. I wanted to go into healthcare and help to improve the lives of others, but how can I help anyone when I cannot even help myself? The stress is too much. The pressure is too much. My emotions are too much. The pain of living is too much. I feel as if I am drowning, and that every last breath is a struggle to take in. I’ve tried reaching out for help, only to be rejected and told that I was “fine”. Nothing I ever do is ever enough for anyone, including myself. The only thing that I am good at is taking up space on this Earth, and being a nuisance to others. I don’t know what to do. I want to succeed in life, but I am nothing but a failure that only ends up hurting those that are around. I do not deserve to be alive and part of the human race.
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Leftforthedead I guess you don’t know anything so let me enlighten you. You absolutely matter and you are more than enough. You are a beautiful and brilliant and amazing individual. You’re irreplaceable and unique and anyone who thinks that you’re a waste of space needs to be waterboarded.
May I ask how old you are? At what age are you giving up?
Well I wouldn’t recommend kicking people out of your life, we’re social animals and like it or not, we need people in our lives-at least a few because otherwise you end up hanging on the words of one person who may think ill of you.
I once went through a phase where I had argued with my friends over some issues and cut them off. Felt fine and proud for doing it, but then later I felt a terrible loneliness I never felt before, even though I was still fairly close to my family and wasn’t completely alone.
Fortunately I ironed out my differences with my friends and things were fine after-but I realized that even if you don’t like the people in your life, it’s best to keep them around till you can find someone better at least…just for one’s own sanity. There’s a saying, you can choose to be right or you can be lonely.
It’s important to know when issues are worth letting slide and which you have to stand your ground. I’ve had some relationship-breaking fights with all of my friends, I’m also not one to back down from issues easily-but I’ve become much more savvy in how I handle my relationships.