So… I woke up and intended to kill myself today. I decided to give it one last shot with my MD who abandoned me. I sent her a text asking if there was a bed available at her hospital. That I was serious and was very genuinely asking for her help. Nothing provocative. Well, I had text her a bunch over the past few weeks asking when we can meet soon. Nothing provocative. But she wasn’t responding which was unusual so it created more distressed for me. Note: For those of you who haven’t read my posts, I have been through tons of treatment (ECT, DBT, PHP), career issues and tons of other stuff I won’t repeat. But, my MD abandoning me was the last straw. So… after I sent the “please help” text today she calls the local police to have them tell me to stop texting/emailing her.
I felt crushed and horrible that she didn’t tell me herself. And that she did this even though I was annoying her. I think she couldn’t tell me herself because she cares too much about me. At least that’s what my DBT doctor has said. Apparently, my MD is willing to see what would happen after I talk to my new MD… at least there is a tiny, tiny sliver of hope that she will be in my life one day.
I almost drove into a tree. So, I spoke to my dad to get advice about career stuff… he was a jerk. Had to listen to him tell me that I dug myself into a 100 mile hole and needed to get myself out of it. He told me all the things I need to do to fix my career but I had done those things. He said I didn’t do it right. It was useless. I already know I fucked up. I was looking for encouragement but got none.
So… almost drove into a tree again. Then, I spoke to my DBT doctor who validated my feelings about everything. My MD crossed lines with me. And it is crushing me. I’m hoping and praying she will just be friends with me one day (even my DBT doctor asked why we weren’t friends).
Anyway… I’m done rambling. I guess I want to live since I didn’t die after the worst possible news I could have gotten today.
I think I’ve got to adjourn from SP for a while. I need to figure out my life. Fuck.
9 comments
Both of my therapists use that digging a hole and can’t get out of it expression a lot. I have thought about using my car to attempt suicide but too many damn airbags. Knee airbags, curtain airbags, center console airbags, steering wheel airbag. Doctors need to put more effort into patients. It’s their job.
My doc was an a******* too. He dumped me EXACTLY when my former foster father also dumped me. Really cruel. At about the same time he bought one of the most expensive beers in the world for self-publicity purposes.
Of course he didn’t say he didn’t want to see “me” any more. He invented an excuse (that he would be unable to see any patients in the future because he was specializing in forensic psychiatry).
They are all the same, really.
I am still dreaming of meeting someone who cares, but it is just a dream.
Ok….unsure what u mean when u say uve texted her to know when you can meet??? Make an appointmEnt? Or talk outside of her office? Your M.D. cant be pals with all her patients – and why would she want to?Shed be unable to do anything with a demand upon her little free time by all her patient friends.. Its not an M.Ds job to text with u and meet you,except by appointment. She may very well be fond of you,but your making unreasonable demands…
If im wrong and shes simply flipping out over your seeking care normally,then sounds like she is in the wrong fucking business,to say th least, BUT I know also that we wear people out going in and out so much…im sorry,but it is true. Ive done it.It hurts being rejected and it only seems to hurt worse as I get older. Why are you so concerne/d with her being your doctor -hoping and praying sh will be friends with u?WHY? You dont need that-you need a doctor who will TREAT YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS. let go….move on to treatment elsewhere…im sorry your dads a dick….very unsupportive of him. You survived the day,though:) Youre tough:)
I hear you and disagree mostly. We were friends… basically. Others have said it. and it certainly felt that way. she told me all about her life. So… it’s a long story and I don’t feel like going into it but she created a friendship with me (and I’ve never had this connection with an MD) and then she abandoned me when I most needed.
Sorry guys. I need to move my focus from death to try to sort out my life. I will miss you guys but I need to stand on my own and figure shit out.
All I can say is thank goodness, was so worried last night. Go and see this new MD and once things are at the righ point then perhaps you’ll also see you’re old MD as well once those boundaries are re-establish. It’s going to take time, of course, but hopefully, bit by bit, things can be turned around for you. I hope you do get the care you need, Still Lost, there is a future for you, I think you realise that and I know you’ll keep trying. Give your cats a hug from me.
Hey nias. Thanks for message. Guess I’m officially taking suicide off the table. I hope to see my old MD again. Don’t recall if I mentioned this but she is starting a new job at the hospital in 3 months and will not be allowed to keep private clients. Despite what everyone may say, we effectively were friends so I hope one day we can be friends…
I wish you the best Still Lost.
I want to comment though I’m not really sure what to say. I’m happy that you decided to continue on, because you’re such a nice person. Though I would never have judged you if you had decided to end it. As long as you’re happy, I would be happy with that. You’re such a strong person for seeking further treatment and I’m so proud of you for that. I wish you the best of luck with everything!
By all means, figure shit out, but I hope you don’t feel the need to leave SP entirely. It’s not only about supporting the decision to end things — we’ll support you in your recovery, too.
I’m relieved to see that you’re taking suicide off the table for the time being. I’m rooting for you, Still Lost!