I’m 27. I’ve been depressed since I was a teenager and quit high school when I was 17. I’ve been dealing with anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts ever since. I’ve lived many years as a hermit, then started going to therapy and I was institutionalized for a year. Then last year, when I had turned 26, I was done with therapy and I needed to take the next step, so I went back to school. I don’t have any diploma’s, noone is going to hire me (nor am I ready for a job), so school it was.
This past year, my first school year, it was horrible. I must have stayed at home for at least three months total, because I felt so bad I couldn’t make myself go. Yes, I made it to the second year with good grades, because I’m doing a study that’s way below my skill level. But I thought, let’s do something easy so I’ll know I’ll finish it with a diploma.
Every day I’m there, I feel so anxious. I worry constantly about what people think of me. What the teachers think of me, what my much younger classmates think of me, what everyone thinks of my work. I am anxious, because I’m in a study in which I know I’m not reaching my full potential. I’m wasting time and energy on something I don’t dream about doing, while my dreams of studying a language at university just fade away, because that’s never going to happen. It makes me feel useless. I hate that I live in this world where I’ve been forced to live this way – go to school, get a job, succeed, money, happiness, then die old.
Daily I think about ending my life, because what is the point? I can’t make myself go to school anymore. Every day that I go I want to end myself even more. But are there other options? Quit school… and then what? I’m 27, there isn’t much choice left. But doing what I’m doing now, I just can’t take it anymore. I just can’t.
Ugh, I sound like a child. “I don’t want to go to school mommy”. And I hate myself for it.
My psychologist says that I have no choice. I must continue and survive (yes, survive) the next few years. Smother my anxious thoughts and depression with medication and face school mindless and numb.
I honestly think that I’m too broken to be fixed. People tell me that things will get better, but they’ve been saying that for years. I used to have hope, or at least wishes for a better future. But the older I get, my hope fades. I think the only thing that’s keeping me alive right now is the fear of pain and the unknown. Often I wish I wasn’t such a coward.
7 comments
You don’t seem to be a coward. Many people feel like you. I do. I’m alive because I fear the pain. I’m feeling that I can’t finish my high school. At the start of this school year I wasn’t able to make myself go there and put this fake friendly smile once again. Since month I’ve been sitting home. Without meds or therapy. Dammit, sometimes I wish I could die. But dying isn’t easy.
I strongly believe you can make it. After you’re done with school, you can find a job. Or maybe even go to university. You can’t say how the future will be, because the future isn’t preordained. You carve your future with a chisel. You’re doing it for yourself. Not for these people around you. You’re going to school only to grant better life to yourself.
People are people, they’ll be always mean. However the future may seem pointless, it isn’t so pointless when you try to find something to dream about. Find one thing you really want to happen. Everyone has such thing. You surely do too. I don’t say it’ll work. But give it a try. My dreams keep me alive.
I’m sorry you are feeling this way. I went through something similar in high school. I know it’s incredibly hard, but I do hope you find a way to finish high school or at least to find some help.
I do have a dream and I do think that is something I’m still clinging onto. But it’s frustrating to see people around me succeed in this dream and me not getting there (and feeling like I’ve failed). I find it hard to keep pouring so much energy into something, when I don’t know if it’s going to work out at all.
Thank you for your kind words.
Some people do get degrees later in life. Being a mature student is totally a viable option. Where I live, (UK) there’s a national organization that runs degree programs where most of the students are over 30.
If studying a language is your dream, then hold onto it. You could make it your career later in life. This sounds like bullshit, but it really is never too late for that kind of thing. I know of pensioners who have gotten their first degree in their 80s. The opportunity will likely be there waiting when you’re ready. And if that’s what you’re really interested in, then keep taking small steps towards it in your spare time.
I get how hard it is to live with anxiety. I spend most of each day (and night) feeling totally sick with it. Fear dominates my life. Forcing yourself to face it day after day feels impossible. But it can be done. Nothing lasts forever. Count the months. Count the days. Count the hours. Soon it will be over. But only you can say whether it’s worth enduring, and if it helps to move you towards your dreams.
In terms of living with it moment to moment, I’d suggest maybe trying to accept your fear. Accept that your teachers and classmates may think you’re totally worthless. Does that make it true? Or are you just struggling to do the best you can and move forward in the difficult circumstances you’ve found yourself in? If you can see value in yourself and what you’re trying to do, maybe it doesn’t matter so much what people who don’t know what you’re coping with think of you.
Are there any less stressful ways you could get your diploma (some kind of distance learning course maybe?) Are there any other ways you might be able to make a living for yourself that don’t require a diploma?
When you say you are ‘done’ with therapy, does that mean you didn’t find it useful? ‘Cause it kinda sounds like you could use some more support, of one sort or another. It might help to have someone you can tell all this to and feel that it’s accepted, that you are acceptable, however broken you may feel. You may not fit into the world you find yourself in, but that doesn’t make you intrinsically less valuable than those who do.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. When I say I was done with therapy, I meant I had finished the trajectory that was planned out for me – a year long institution, then aftercare. I still see a psychologist every few weeks. Lately I have definitely been wondering if I need more therapy, again, but after being institutionalized for a year, it feels like taking a step back. It’s frustrating..
I’ve been looking into studying a different way, like part-time or long distance, but I keep running into problems with anxiety there. Like you almost always need to do an internship and I don’t know how I would handle that. I know many people get a degree in later life, but there’s also so much practical stuff to worry about, mostly money.
I’m one of those people who runs away from fear, instead of facing it. Sometimes accepting and facing it works for a while, but I always fall back. And I’m so tired of that..
Thanks again. You’ve given me some new perspective.
First off, don’t worry about your age. I’m the oldest one in my classes now, but I met a woman who was in her 50’s and studying for her college degree.
Secondly, if you’re in the US, most long-distance learning classes have to help you find an internship (my dad runs a long-distance learning program for a major University in the US. Not going to say which one cause it’ll totally give away my location lol). They normally won’t let you fail just because of that. But I understand the money constraints, although you should be able to get some good financial aid if you’re in the US. Plus, think of it this way, if you get a better paying job when you’re out, you should be able to pay off the loans pretty easily (interest rates on loans are low compared to other loans).
Not trying to downgrade your problems. I know how frustrating it is to have to worry about school. And I think part of your problem might be fear of the unknown. Have you had an internship before? They’re much easier than you would think. Your boss will expect you to make mistakes and they expect you to slowly learn to stop making those mistakes.
Lastly, as thehusk said, I’m going to share my favorite saying that I learned in therapy: “You’re doing the best with what you have.” You’re dealing with a lot on your plate right now: school, anxiety, and a long stay in an inpatient facility. It’s not easy, but don’t think just because you’ve hit a rough patch that you can’t do it. In addition, if you go to therapy/are on medications, have your doctors write a note you can give to your professors. Most are extremely understanding about problems, and most Universities will cut you some slack, and give you options to make your time easier there. They don’t want it on their record that a student committed suicide or dropped out because the University wouldn’t accommodate their illness. If you’re in the US, remember that a mental illness is the same as a physical illness in the eyes of the University.
Hope this helps a bit, and feel free to talk it out some more. And don’t worry about failing. You’ll get there. I know it’s frustrating watching those around you succeed (I’ve been there, trust me…It’s taken me 6.5 years to get a 4 year degree…all because of PTSD/Depression), so I know that it’s frustrating to push forward! But someday it’ll all work out, and I’m not saying that just to sound cheesy 🙂
Actually, I have never done an internship and people do tell me I worry about it too much lol. But one of my biggest problems is the fear of doing things wrong (and then people judging me for it) so you can see how hard it is for me to accept that an internship won’t be as hard as I think.
I’m not from the US, but I think a lot of what you said applies in my country as well. I know there are more options than I see possible, but a lot of it takes motivation and determination, and those are two things I’ve been severely lacking..
Thanks for your comment, it’s always good to hear some people can make it work.
I totally understand your fears of messing up and people judging you. I was the same way, but I can’t tell you how I got over that fear. I think I’m on so many meds that I just don’t care anymore lol. I know how hard it is to live without motivation…I’ve slowly become better about it through therapy and medication, but I know a lot of people don’t respond as well as I do (and I’m not saying that to rub it in your face, it’s just that I understand not having the motivation to go out and actively seek opportunities…I spent about 2 years of my life staring at walls, so I understand completely!!).
And I’m sorry the internship is weighed heavily upon. I just had my first internship this summer (finally felt well enough to go find one) and thought to myself, “Well, if I royally screw this up, what’s it going to matter? So, I don’t get hired by the company. Oh well. At least I have the experience.” But I know everybody is different and no one’s in the same situation. Two years ago I would have never had this mentality.
I hope things start looking up soon!! Let me know if you want to talk sometime!